A story for your reading enjoyment.

Written in a fit of boredom ca. 1993 A.D.

BONUS STORY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
-By Lord Airball himself.

The tale of a Loser named Floyd, from Fargo, North Dakota.

Now, once uponatime, thar was this kid. He went to Walter Mondale High School, which was a stone's throw from his farmhouse in Fargo, North Dakota. Now, the air in Fargo was real light this day, so a stone could carry a few miles on a good throw, but that's not important right now.
Anyway, Floyd, that was the kid's name, was on his mountain bike headed toward school one morning when he suddenly noticed some odd thing about the air. It was kinda thin first of all, but there was something else that he couldn't quite place. It mighta had something to do with that mysterious meteor shower that happened last night. But, who knows?
Floyd continued pedalling along the great field over toward W.M.H.S. (School motto: What de name o' dis place agin?) when he noticed the oddest thing lying along the path. It was kinda reddish-blueish-greenish- yellowish-orangish, and it was glowing. Floyd stopped to check it out. It was the number 13 (I said it was ODD) and it was on this bright shiny crystalline structure. It looked like a prism reflecting bright sunlight, the wierd part \ was, it was completely overcast.
"Groovy." Said Floyd, as he picked it up and shoved it into his front pocket. He then looked at his watch, and realized, he was going to be late to class! So he got on his bike, and pedalled away as fast as he could.
"Man, I hope I'm not late!" Said Floyd while pedalling.
Suddenly, he felt this extreme cold on his leg, right under the crystal in his pocket. "Whoa!" He yelled, as his bike suddenly took over, and must have been up over a good 60 mph. Floyd just hung on and made it to school in just a couple of minutes. He ran inside and jumped into his desk just as the early bell sounded. "Hot phlegm!" Said Floyd to himself.
Now Floyd lugged his books onto his desk, and noticed the laces on his purple and red All-Stars were untied. As he was tying them, he heard a couple of snickers from the kids around him. He heard a blatant "Can't you afford real shoes?" and looked up. See, everyone in WMHS had to wear brand new athletic shoes, especially if they weren't at all athletic. Everyone had the same type of pants, and basically the exact same shirt, each shirt displaying it's price in big letters across the chest. Floyd was the only exception. He had on purple sneakers, a Dead Milkmen shirt with a hole in it, and old jeans ripped off just below the knees.
"Look," said Floyd. "Life is much more that just showing off how much hard earned money your willing to piss away on clothes that cost about 15 cents to make."
A riot of laughter arose throughout the class. "What a LOSER!" He distinctly heard someone yell. Suddenly the door opened, and in stepped Mr. Johanssen, the history teacher. He was decked out in Gucci stuff that he must have spent a fortune on. Everyone hushed up, and sat up dilligently at their desks.
"Now class," went Mr. J., "today we must continue our lesson on why you have to be cool." Floyd put his head down on the desk in disgust.
"All through history, only the coolest people have ever become important. Blah blah blah blah...."
On and on went Mr. Johansson, as Floyd had just thought up a great idea for a piano and bass guitar sonata in his head! He was in the middle of writing it down, when he was rudely interrupted by the call of "FLOYD! Answer the question! What is the proper haircut you must get in order to be successful??!!"
Floyd recalled his marine buzzcut with the one segment of long purple strands hanging down the left side.
"Ummm.... What you look like doesn't matter, it's your ability that counts." Said Floyd.
The class broke out into uproarious laughter, as the teacher hushed them up.
"You don't belong in this class. You're just a loser!" Said the teacher. "And you know what that means......."
The whole class began to snicker again.
"The hat!!" Went Mr. Johanssen. The class laughed even louder.
Mr. J. gave Floyd a hat that was a tall pointy cone, and it had the word 'LOSER' etched right across it, in bold, black letters.
"I've put up with you for a month already, punk. Now you've got to learn the hard way!" He then ordered Floyd, with his hat donned, to the principal's office.
Now Floyd was walking down the hall, thinking, how did I end up here? No one ever said anything like this in Michigan, but as soon as we move out here to the sticks, all this happens! Maybe this is a nightmare, maybe this is the Twilight Zone.............................
Floyd walked on into the principals office, and a kid with a big $44.95 on his chest guided him in, snickering all the while. "Floyd Verquin here for you, sir." Said the laughing kid. "Thank you," replied Bill Jones, the principal.
Floyd sat down, and the principal said, "You can take that hat off now."
"I don't want to." Retorted Floyd.
"Well, you have to." Was the response by Mr. Jones.
"Why?"
"Because it's ugly!"
"Who the HELL are YOU to say it's ugly? Just because YOU think it's ugly, doesn't mean I have to think it's ugly!"
"Well then," Answered the principal, "there's no place for you in my school. You really are just a loser."
"At least I'm not just a pathetic clone WINNER like you!"
"Get out! I never want to see you in my school again!"
"Go dry clean your wig!" Went Floyd, and he marched out.
Now it was too early for Floyd to go home, and he was sorta up for a pizza and some papaya juice, so he decided to head on into town, instead of going home. As he mounted his bike, he gritted his teeth and said to himself, "I hope a vacuum cleaner hose gets shoved up your rectum and sucks your intestines out, Mr. Jones!" Then he headed toward town.
When he got to town, he saw the same exact trash. Everyone looked exactly the same, with prices on their chests, and the works! Occasionally, someone would see him and laugh, or shout "Hey, loser, nice hat!" But Floyd just kept right on riding. He parked outside a pizza parlor and locked up his bike. He ran inside and went to the girl behind the counter. She was real cute.
"Hi!" Said Floyd.
"Hi." Said the girl. "Nice hat."
"Thanks. Can I have 2 slices with peppers and onions?"
"We don't have those, just pepperoni."
"What??! How can you run a pizza parlor with just pepperoni??!!"
"I just work here," she answered, "and if you haven't noticed, this is a Winner town. Everyone wants to be exactly the same as everyone else. No one wants anything other than pepperoni, because that's what everyone else wants. I like mushrooms and peanut butter myself."
Just then, this cog in Floyd's brain turned over. He suddenly noticed the girl's shirt had a picture of Bart Simpson on it, and had no price value.
Announced Floyd, "You're not like them!" As the light in his head suddenly clicked on.
"Shhh! Not so loud! They don't like people like us here. I remain inconspicuous. At least I'm hidden behind this counter, and I wear my jacket while I walk home. I used to roller skate home, but some Winners stole them and and broke them, because they were uncool."
"Wow!" Interjected Floyd. "This is the Twilight Zone!"
"No crap." Said She. "My name is Lauren."
"How did you get here?"
"I was born here. My parents are Winners, too. I was a Winner when I was little, because my parents forced me to be like everyone else. I didn't like it, and started doing things that I liked. They threw me out. Fortunately I had a friend who, although she's a Winner, lets me sleep in her basement. I've been working in this dump for a year and a half, trying to save enough money to get out of this awful place, but my "friend" keeps on taking most of my earnings for rent. I sleep in her cold crummy basement! And my boss here keeps on withholding money from me because I don't dress "right" and my hair isn't the "right" length. Life sucks."
"Wow! I moved here from Michigan a couple months ago. My parents are cool, but they work over in Hamming, and we just live here in Fargo because it was cheaper. We bought the house from some old lady who died. Her kids sold us the deed. I got stuck going to Walter Mondale High School......."
"Oh my GOD! I'm so SORRY!"
"What??!!"
"Nothing, just WMHS is Winnerama world! You were probably....."
"Tell me about it. I got thrown out."
"Figures. That would explain the hat."
"Do you mind if I hang here awhile? I don't want to go home yet."
"Okay, just hide here behind the counter. If my boss comes in and sees you here, we're both dead."
"Deal."
Floyd jumped behind the counter, and Lauren turned the TV on. A newscaster appeared and was giving some report from right out in front of the high school. There were a couple police cars and an ambulance, and the voice was saying...
"To repeat, Walter Mondale High School principal Bill Jones has died this morning. The only details that we can give at the moment are that a janitor accidentally stabbed him with a vacuum cleaner hose, while it was still on. We will update this terrible news, when we learn more. We now return to our regularly scheduled program........."
"HOLY ZARQUON!" Went Floyd.
"What is it? That guy was a Winner Lord. I say good riddence to him."
"That's not it, Lauren. See, I killed him."
"You were the janitor?"
"No, no, not exactly.... See, today while I was riding away from school, I wished that someone would put a vacuum cleaner hose in his butt and suck his intestines out..."
"Get out."
"I did."
"But....." Began Lauren, when she noticed Floyd's eyes light up. Then, in almost a panic, Floyd pulled the crystal out of his pocket.
"I found this on the way to school this morning, and I was late, and I said I don't wanna be late, and my bike hit warp 9...."
"Excellent!" Said Lauren.
Just then, a really big balding guy with a shirt and tie that had $500.00 written all over it, literally, walked in. "What the Hell...." He yelled. "Babe, what did I tell you about letting any loser friends in here!!!!"
The big guy picked up Floyd by the shirt, and lofted him over the counter.
"Now your gonna get pounded!!" Yelled the big guy, as he hoisted Floyd's 130 pound body high above his head. Lauren screamed. Floyd completely freaked out....
"Put me down! Please put me down! I wish you away! Aaaaarrrgggghhhh!!!"
Floyd, in a complete fit of panic, tried to possibly access the strange artifact lodged into his pocket. Of course, when you're being held up 7 feet above the ground in a pizza parlor in the center of a potentially hostile town, it's hard to think clearly.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuggghhhh!!" Continued Floyd. "Put me down! PLEASE put me down! I wish you would put me down!!!" Nothing seemed to work.
Just then, Floyd saw a big sneaker whip across the big Winner's face. Lauren executed a perfect flying kick from off of the the counter, and landed it squarely across the big man's jaw. The jolt, accompanied by the shock, resulted in Floyd being suddenly released, and thus to fall a substantial distance onto the linoleum floor.
"We gotta motor!" Shouted Lauren, as she grabbed Floyd's arm and headed for the door.
The big man yelled. "You NEVER come back here AGAIN! If I ever see ANY of you damn losers again, I KILL YOU ALL!!!....."
Floyd unlocked his bike, and jumped on it. Lauren jumped right onto his back.
"Pedal!" She yelled. Floyd took off like he was training for the velodrome in the next Olympics. After a minute or two, they were out of the town center, and back into the sticks. Upon reaching the outskirts of town, they dismounted the bike, as it was a tad uncomfortable, and proceeded to walk back to Floyd's. Floyd took a few seconds to catch his breath.
"Cheese, that guy was crazy!" Noted Floyd.
"In this town, he's considered normal, and we're the crazy ones." Answered Lauren. "Never forget that."
The theme from the Twilight Zone echoed in Floyd's head.
"You can stay at my house, if you want." Invited Floyd. "My parents are Losers, too."
"That would be so froody!! Do you mean it?"
"Sure." Upon hearing that, Lauren put on a smile, that looked like she hadn't smiled for years.
"Where did you learn that Kung-Fu stuff?" Asked Floyd.
"Oh, I used to watch Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris movies whenever they were on cable. My parents had cable. Every Winner has to have cable. Actually, cable is the only thing I miss."
"Excellent! Can you teach me?"
"What, how to watch cable?"
"No, the karate stuff."
"I guess so."
"We have a sattelite dish. It's better than cable."
"Excellent! We can watch Bruce Lee movies in Japanese!"
"Hyang wung, whu HAI yun wooooo....."
"Stop that, it's not nice."
"Sorry." Apologized Floyd.
They walked in silence for a minute, the only sound was the 'tiktiktiktik' of the bike chain rolling along.
"I can't stop thinking about this crystal, and why it might have worked on the principal, but not on that pizza guy. I just don't get it."
"Maybe you have to use precise words." Suggested Lauren.
Floyd pulled out the crystal, and examined it again. He noticed the clear image of the number 11 still on.........
"Hold the pickles!" Yelled Floyd. "When I found this, it had the number 13 on it!! Now it says 11!! Look, see the number?"
"Oh wow! That's pretty neat....."
"That makes sense! After I found it, 2 wierd things happened. First the bike, then the principal. 13 minus 2 is 11! If only I can remember what I said that was so special. I tried 'I wish,' that's too obvious."
There was a good pause.
"How about stress? Maybe it only works when your all hyped."
"Nahh.... then it would have definitely worked when that guy had me up in the air. I thought I was gonna wet my pants!"
"Oh yeah, that's a good point."
There was a little more silence.
"There's that rotten high school." Noted Floyd, as they walked past WMHS.
"Oh, gross! Those damn.... Oh my God, Floyd, WHAT TIME IS IT??!"
Floyd looked at his watch, and this resonating bell sounded.
"12:30!" Said Floyd.
"RUN!!!" Screamed Lauren as they pulled the bike along as fast as they could. There was nowhere to hide, the fields were flat and clear, interrupted only by a lonely roadway leading to the school building. Floyd turned and saw hoards of snotty adolescent winners emerging from the building. Floyd and Lauren ran with the bike across the field toward the woods, but the field was so tremendous, it was almost as if they weren't getting anywhere. School busses were passing along the road, as they could hear laughing and shouting coming from the gaping pointing souls within the roaring yellow machines. Suddenly, they heard a different roar, as if it were coming toward them. A big 4X4 that really looked like a giant Hot Wheels car with winner written all over it, literally, was zooming toward them. They ran as fast as they could toward the woods, after which was but a relatively short hike to Floyd's parent's property. However, they couldn't outrun a truck. The truck cut in front of them, just short of the woods, and these 2 big ugly dumb winner jocks jumped out. They were now a pretty safe distance away from the road and the high school, so that screaming wouldn't really be of that much use. Besides, no winners would wan to get involved, anyway. The school busses were all gone, and all was nervously silent. The only sound was the heaving of the 2 steroid-pumping winner jocks, about 6 feet in front of them, slowly approaching.
"Where you losers goin?" Mumbled one of them.
The jocks then attacked the terrified Losers, and threw them to the ground.
"Die! PLEASE die! I hate you! I need you to die!" Floyd tryed to activate his crystal, but again nothing worked. The jocks stood over them, laughing, when one of them grabbed Floyd's hat, and broke it in his hands. While they laughed, Lauren stetched up and kicked one of them in the groin, and he keeled over onto his knees with an agonizing look on his face. She however, was still on the ground, and was not yet entirely oriented. Before she could react, the other thug assisted his cohort and grabbed Lauren by the arms. The groinally dysfunctional thug arose in time to hold her legs.
"This babe looks too cute to be a Loser!" Went a thug.
"No way!" Went the other thug. "She's still a nasty Loser."
"I want her!" Went the first thug.
"LEAVE HER ALONE!" Yelled Floyd.
The thugs laughed. One of them pulled out a long, shiny knife.
"What are you gonna do, loser?" Went a thug.
Lauren was too scared to scream, and Floyd wasn't far behind.
"Come on, crystal! Do something!! I hope these guys get heart palpitations and aneurysms."
Suddenly, one of the thugs started to twitch violently, and drool.
"What's wrong, Bobby?" Asked the other. "Bob....Gaaaakk!!!" Lauren then dropped safely to the ground.
The other thug then went down, gripping his chest, and began to writhe around like a fish on hot sand. The other continued to twitch and drool while kicking the ground. Lauren just sat in amazement. Floyd pulled out the crystal and noticed blaring at him, was the number 10. "This is cool." Said Floyd. The thugs continued to gasp and twitch and Lauren motioned to kick one of them. "NO!" Yelled Floyd. "If we don't touch them, the police will think that they died of natural causes."
"What?" Asked Lauren.
"I gave them heart palpitations and aneurysms. I know how the crystal works. I'll explain at my house. We gotta go before anyone sees us here!"
Floyd and Lauren picked up the bike and ran to Floyd's house.

The losers walked up the stairs to Floyd's kitchen, where his mom was making dinner.
"Mom, this is Lauren. Can she live with us?"
"How was school, son?"
"Oh, I got thrown out."
"What??!! How? You're a geek!!"
"Yeah, but I don't dress like everyone else. See, it's a long story. All I can tell you now is that we HAVE to move from this place A.S.A.P."
"What?"
Floyd and Lauren explained the stories about Fargo, and the extreme Winneristic society. They refrained from mentioning anything about the mysterious crystal and the death it has already caused.
"Just tell Dad as soon as he gets home. He can still work in Hamming, we just can't live in Fargo!"
"Okay, okay kids. I'll tell him. I did wonder why they kept laughing when I went to the supermarket..... and the numbers on those shirts!........ Oh, by the way, I'm Mrs. Verquin." She gestured toward Lauren.
"Lauren Ziebericci."
"We're having chicken francese for dinner. Do you like chicken?"
"I've lived on pepperoni pizza for 18 months. I'll eat styrofoam."
"Good. The chicken is more nutritious."
The loser youths traversed into Floyd's room, where he proceeded to play his CD of Beethoven's Third.
"If the townspeople heard you playing this, they would stone you."
"But how? This is what real music is all about!"
"I know, but it isn't on the top 20 chart. No one is allowed to listen to anything that is not on the top 20 chart."
"That's sick! What if the whole chart sucks?"
"That's what Winnerism is about. No opinions about anything, as long as" you're just like everyone else."
"We must get out of here."
Floyd pulled out his crystal.
"I have to show you how this works. See, it's not a cheesy wish crystal, like in fairy tales and all that, this is a hope crystal. This only works in self defense. You can't just hope for material stuff, or for selfish gratification, it has to be used wisely, to just assist the way, like with the bicyle, or maybe to avenge against the guilty..... I don't know. All that I do know is, what I said when I used it all 3 times was 'I hope....'"
"That's pretty froody." replied Lauren.
"Actually, I think I can use this now, to help us escape this place! I hope my dad finds a really nice place in Hamming, for the same price as this place, on the way home from work, and buys it!"
"When will we know if it worked?"
"My dad comes home at 6."
"Yuk."
"You know what I mean. Let's go watch TV."

At about 6:00, Floyd's dad marches in the front door, with this major news, about a better house, and how he won't have to commute as far and being able to ditch this crummy wierdo town and all that. Floyd and Lauren felt this warm feeling through them. They knew that everything was going to turn out fine. Floyd looked at the crystal, and it had a bright 9 on it.
Floyd's Dad turned on the TV, and the news was on.
"Oh, crap Floyd, look!" Interrupted Lauren.
The 2 jocks yearbook pictures were on the screen, and then there was footage of police cars and investigators all around the scene, just on the other side of the woods that was the barrier of the Verquin's property.
"Fudge." Said Floyd, as he ran to the window. He could see the flashing lights through the woods at the edge of his property. Lauren turned the volume up......
"...the police have testimonies from several witnesses from Walter Mondale High School that 2 outrageously clad youths were seen running through this field around the same time that death occured. The identity of the youths has not yet been discovered, but it is also suspected that they might also be somehow connected to the gruesome demise of principal Bill Jones this morning....."
"Puke vessels." Injected Lauren.
"Relax, babe! I have the insurance policy! I hope they don't find us!"
Floyd looked at the crystal, and there was the number 9.
"Hang on a second, heh heh... I said, I HOPE THEY DON'T FIND US."
Nothing appeared to happen. No decrementation.
"Dinner's on!" Called Mrs. Verqin.
"Don't worry about it." Assured Floyd.
Lauren just held her breath.

During dinner, Floyd's dad informed about the house, and how he planned to move out tomorrow, being that tomorrow was Saturday, and how he just had the house temporarily held and all. Getting out as soon as possible was all that Floyd and Lauren could care about right then.
"By the way, who's the girl?" Asked Mr. Verquin. He was so excited about the house, that he forgot to notice her.

The next morning arrived, the horizon seemed pretty clear, yet the kids still couldn't feel completely safe until they were out of town for good. The crystal still said 9, and Floyd even tried again, with no change. The four of the losers used Mr. Verquin's pickup and his wife's car to make a bunch of trips back and forth, packing everything into boxes, and loading and unloading stuff. A police car passed them on the road and the kids' hearts both skipped beats. But, the cop just kept on going by. The new house was about 40 minutes away from the old, and the moving took all day. But, by the time the evening hours were in session, the move was complete.
Sunday was spent over at Hamming High School, registering both kids into the 11th grade, Lauren a year behind to make up the year that she lost at the pizza parlor. Life was just about clearing up, to the point of the story where it's just safe to say they lived happily ever after.
Monday was a great day. All the kids at Hamming High were different. It was such a breath of fresh air. The teachers were normal, no freaky sadistic fascist sociopaths, and Lauren let Floyd hold her hand at lunch.
The bell rang to go home, and Floyd and Lauren met and went outside to catch their bus. The busses were all lined up, and kids were laughing, but they were all laughing with each other, and not at anyone. Everything began to seen so happy that it was acually becoming sickening, until Floyd noticed that siren flashing at the edge of the school parking lot. Lauren noticed it shortly after. A cop with a box of donuts walked out of the building, and right toward them. "You kids!" He yelled. Floyd and Lauren froze. The cop approached them and said, "don't stand here! People are trying to get through here! Now go before you miss your bus!"
"Heh heh..." Uttered Floyd. "Yeah, heh heh...." And they took off for their bus.
"I think I wet my pants again." Said Floyd.
"You and that bladder....."
As the kids were stepping onto their bus, a guy in a long, brown trench- coat was stepping down. He grabbed each kid under each of his arms, and said, "Where you losers think you're going?"
The busses left, and he dragged them into a grey Mercedes that had $80,000 written all over it, literally.

The man in the trenchcoat threw them into the back seat, and then got in and proceeded to head in the general direction of Fargo. The car had a protective screen between the front and back seats, and the doors were locked from the outside.
"What are you doing? This is kidnapping!" Yelled Floyd.
"I'm detective Fritz. You two are under arrest."
"For what???!"
"Murder. I don't know how you did it, but I know you did it."
"What??! That's crazy!"
"Your name is Floyd Verquin, right?"
"Uhhhh..... No."
"I'm not that stupid, you damn loser. See, three days ago, a bunch of kids from Walter Mondale high school happened to see two kids, a boy and a girl, running across the two mile field between the school, and the property that you conveniently moved from the day after.. The best part is, a kid named Floyd Verquin was expelled from that same school, on that same morning, just about 15 minutes before the principal that had expelled him was visciously killed. Also, one of the kids running across the field, just about 15 minutes before those two upstanding town youths were killed was said to have been wearing a pointy red hat, just like the one that you were last seen wearing before you left school. Plus, we found fragments of the hat at the crime scene. No one, and I mean no one else in this here town would ever even be caught dead wearing a hat like that. Like I said, I don't know how in Hell you pulled it off, but we know it was you. And believe me, as soon as any high court judge in Fargo finds out that you two are losers, they'll convict you for hijacking a 747 if they feel like it. You're finished!!"
Lauren gripped Floyd's hand really tightly. She looked ill. Floyd felt ill. Yet, he knew that they had but one chance. He pulled out his crystal, and gripped it in his sweaty palms really tightly. He said quietly, "This day started out like a dream come true, and now it's turned into a nightmare. Please, I hope that there is anyone, or anything out there that will help us get out of this mess."
His hands slowly began to feel quite cold, as the number on the crystal slowly mutated into the number 8.......
The two losers' eyes both opened up really wide. "Bio-rad...." Said Lauren.

They started scanning around for who or what ever it might have been that the crystal had acknowledged them on. All they could see around them were fields and farmhouses and Winners. They were completely on edge for the entire journey over to the Fargo police station.

Upon arrival, Lauren and Floyd were handcuffed and dragged inside. They were both fingerprinted and had mugshots taken. Then, they were forcefully thrown into a holding cell.
"Wait!" Yelled Floyd. "Don't we get a phone call??!!"
"Losers like you don't have any friends to call."
Floyd gritted his teeth and was ready to shred something violently.
A voice from within the cell suddenly spoke....
"Rastafan! It must be true!" Said the voice.
"Hello?" Said Lauren. Floyd began to hit his head against the cell bars.
"Jah always come through." Said the voice. A really dark man with really long dreadlocks, a huge flourescent multi-colored shirt, and real fresh Jams stood up from within the corner and said "My name is Grant. I welcome you." He appeared to be really happy.
Floyd suddenly realized what was going on, as the lump on his head began to grow. "Lauren! It's him!" Said Floyd.
"Duh!" Said Lauren. "I'm not stupid."
"Yes, Jah delivers." Said Grant. He reached into a little pouch he had hidden in his shorts, and pulled out an extremely shiny crystalline orb, that looked kinda like an 8-ball from a billiards table, only slightly bigger. The number 8 was really there, and really bright.
"I said I Hope someone can save me, and this thing give me you. I am Loser, too. See?"
He pointed to his loafers, on one of them was etched 'Loser.' On the other it said 'I luv I Jah.'
"Hang on," Said Floyd. You think we're here, to save you?"
"Is it not true?"
"We thought you were here to save us!" Said Lauren, and Floyd pulled out his crystal. It seemed to be glowing brighter than ever, with the number 8 seemingly pulsating. Grant stared contingently, then looked at his orb.
"Where did you find that?" Asked Grant.
"Out in the field." Said Floyd. "Why are you here?"
"I am an astronomer, and I calculated that there was to be a beautiful meteor shower here in North Dakota sometime last week, so I drove all the way up here from the Jamaica to see it....."
"Wait a minute," Interrupted Floyd. "Jamaica is an island."
"Bitchin' Camaro! Bitchin' Camaro!" Replied Grant. Floyd and Lauren finally managed to crack a smile at this.
"Actually, I take ferry from Jamaica to Miami, then drive from 'dere."
"Aaaaaaahhhh."
"Yes, and after the cosmic event, I find this glowing baby on the ground. After I pick it up, wierd things happen. Like, I say 'I hope dere is room at hotel, and dere is... den I say 'I hope me room is on de bottom floor, and it is. Then, the orb which say 13 when I find it, say only 11. I don't get it. So I say 'I hope I not going crazy, and I see de orb change to 10! Anyway, while I was in hotel, I was relaxing with me reggae music, and dey arrest me! Dey say dat me music is not on de top ten, so it be illegal!! What crap is dis???!!!"
"Fargo is a crappy city." Said Lauren.
"Something must have brought us together." Suggested Floyd. "Maybe.... Holy Voltron! Lemme see that orb again!"
The orb had a triangular shaped shaft running directly through it. Floyd pulled out his crystal and said, "lemme try something."
He inserted the prismic crystal through the orb, sealing the orb completely, making it a solid sphere. The sphere glowed ten times brighter than in did before, and literally jumped out of the losers' hands. The orb floated there, in front of them, as if it were looking at them. Suddenly, they heard a voice:
"Hello, you who are called losers. My plan in bringing you together was flawless. I am Airball, or the ball in the air. I began a Loser revolt that resulted in a complete Loser rule of the Earth in a past civilization, over 200,000 years ago. I have returned here from my advanced plane in the stars, to instruct you in your mission......"
"Excellent!" Said all three of them together.
"See," Said the orb, "I lived a whole buttload of years ago on this same planet, when it was inhabited by race of monkey-based humanoids just like yourselves. The Earth was even more Winner controlled then than it is now. We led a Loser revolt taking over the Earth, and created the greatest civilization ever existing anywhere in this galaxy. Eventually, the Earth needed to recharge its resources, as it became much the galaxy's tourist paradise, so we shut it down for a while, to let some other organisms evolve. The Losearth civilization lasted close to 15,000 years, longer than any other in the galaxy's history. Anyway, since then, species and the like have evolved and crashed, over and over again. Until you. You seem to be on a rather similar course as we were, except with much more potential! You are a very young race, able to skip the absurdity of the dark ages and ignorance, and have a very good shot at overtaking us for best civilzation ever! But, one obstacle stands in your way. This Winner thing is spreading, and dangerously fast. It began as a small cult, and spread to small neighboorhoods. As you have seen, it has already spread to whole towns, like Fargo. Soon, if it is not stopped, it could flood whole states and countries, meaning that your civilization will be so pathetic that it will plummett into oblivion before your grandchildren even know it. I have been sent to you from the Aethereal council to try to stop that from happening. After a thorough screening, I have chosen you three losers to do this. If you fail, your civilization will fail with you. If you succeed, you will join the greatest heroes in the galaxy."
"Whoa." Said Floyd.
"But, what is so special about us?" Asked Grant.
"I dunno." Said the orb. "There is one more important thing you must do. You all must touch me at the same time."
"Now?" Asked Floyd.
"No, yesterday! Of course NOW, you dolt."
The trio all extended their arms and touched the orb. "Oh yeah, this could work. This could REALLY work......" Said the orb, as a HUGE flash of light flooded the cell, knocking the losers to the ground. When they looked up again, the orb was gone. A guard ran into the room. "What the HELL was that?!?" He yelled.
"What was what?" Asked Floyd.
"That...that light!"
"What light? There was no light...." Went Floyd.
The guard paused.
"Yeah, what light? What am I doing here?" And the guard walked out.
"Holy jalapeno!" Went Floyd. "I can't believe that actually worked!"
Lauren stood up, and continued to rise to the ceiling. She began to laugh, then she returned to the ground. "No way!" She said. "This is too cool!"
Grant and Floyd stared, dazed and cofused for a minute, then Grant turned, and punched a hole through the back wall of the cell.
He turned, grinned, and said "Shall we?"

The new Losers plowed through the streets of Fargo pulverizing anyone who stared or laughed at them. Guts were strewn over the sidewalks, as they found Grant's rastamobile, and sped out of town, back into the town of Hamming. They immediately went to the mayor, and the press, instigating the losers of the world to unite! The people of Hamming and other adjacent towns charged into Fargo, levelling every man, woman, or child who WOULD conform to a new rule, which was basically everyone because winners conform to anything. To shorten things up, losers everywhere started obliterating those who were considered winners, until there no longer existed two alike people on Earth.

There are 2 morals of this story.

1) When you're a complete Loser, and you get bored enough, you can accomplish some pretty strange feats.

2) Not all stories have morals.