From:   Cleanliness is next to impossible. (MB3134@cnsvax.albany.edu@IN@IC2)
Date:    7-SEP-1995 11:51:27.21

                  T.A.S.O.D.  THE LAST TEMPTATION OF JuTH.
                     (September 1995 - September 1997)

CAST:
Airball: AHMET ZAPPA            Nuke: EWEN McGREGOR 
Skippy: PETER BILLINGSLEY       Digits: PHIL LAMARRE
Zippy: BILLY ZANE               Therapist: RAY LIOTTA
Arnold: SOME PATHETIC NO-TALENT SCRUB WITH LONG HAIR WHO SMELLS BAD

     Part I: The Winner Dimension

    Once upon a time, there was a Winner named Arnold. Arnold had more friends
than he knew what to do with. He was so hip with all the other Winners in town,
as well as slightly popular due to his job as photographer for the local town
paper. Arnold wore a ponytail proudly down to his shoulders, and a brown
bomber jacket that emanated the sweet essence of tobacco and nicotine from 
the 4 packs a day that he would smoke. Everyone wanted to hang around with
Arnold.... Everyone except a certain group.
    The group called themselves "Loser." Not "The Losers," or "Loser group;" 
Just "Loser." They were composed of a tight knit band, opposed to all that
was socially acceptable, despite how inane and idiotic it might cause them to
be. The group was led by 2 guys. One was a kamikaze musician with red hair,
who went by many names, like Nuke, Crash, or Captain Meltdown. The other was
a hyperactive geek philosopher with short hair, who was known only by such
names as Spaz, or Airball. Along with these two were a small yet ornery band 
of Losers like the always mellow engineer, the venerable Skippy, who didn't
not really look like a giant Teddy Bear with glasses. Also, was the 
consistently calculating bespectacled computer programmer, who liked to be
called Digits. Others were affiliated with this elite outfit, yet this was
the core. This story is about how this small, ornery assortment managed to
completely undermine all that was considered "right" in this town, which was
once called "Winneria."

*(Dan)*

     Winneria wasn't a small town, nor a big town.  It was an average
town in all respects.  It was, in fact, voted the most average town in
the country, causing every mayor in the country to try and model this town.
The town had a small state university, a mall, a municipal airport, and some 
big corporations.  There was a train station, a local teenage hangout or three,
and a big park.  They had a sports team, a big newspaper, and a lake.  It was 
a nice, average town with good things and bad things, yet all the things were
in fact, quite average. Well, almost everything.  
     Capt. Meltdown was not one of those average things, and he was
considered by the townspeople to be not one of the good things.  One night
while hanging out at the home of Lord Airball's, reading comic books and 
watching unpopular TV show's, he had a thought.  It was a brilliant thought, 
and one that merited the attention of Sir Spaz.  Unfortunately, Spaz was 
taking a dump when this thought came to Nuke's mind, and he forgot it
for a brief second.  There was a loud flushing sound reverberating 
through the house when all of the sudden there was a hideous crash
from outside......
     
From: "Cleanliness is next to impossible." 31-OCT-1995 22:55:54.92

   Airball immediately leaped up from his throne of excrement and gazed out
the window, to view through the darkness the shadow of a large wreck neatly 
wrapped about a tree across the street. He quickly adjusted himself and 
flushed, and ran out into the yard. Nuke was already standing out there, 
gazing for prospective carnage.
   "Did you see it?" Asked Spaz, while adjusting his pants.
   "Nahh, just heard a loud crash."
   "Well, let's go look for bodies!"
   "I dunno, there's something..... weird about all this." 
   "You Winner." Exclaimed Airball, as he ran toward the thing, while Nuke
tried to warn him with an uninfluential "Wait!......"
   Captain Meltdown followed shortly after, and Spaz was already probing
through the wreckage. As Nuke arrived, Spaz exclaimed "What the farg IS this
thing?"
   Nuke stopped about 6 feet away from the mass. "Spaz, really. Something just
doesn't feel right about that thing. Maybe we should just leave it."
   "What's wrong with you?"
   "Can't you feel it? There's like, a strange vibe or something, and it's
surging from...... that thing."
   "You know," went Airball, "I bet this thing is from space! I don't even see
any wheels on it....."
   Spaz continued to rummage and pry through the wreckage, as Nuke continued to
try and stop him. "Spaz, really dude, you know if there wasn't something
terribly wrong here I would be ripping that apart with you..."
   "No matter how fast it was going, there would still be some burnt rubber
left, right? And look, there's no broken glass! Hey, what's this?"
    Spaz pulled out a small black box, about the size of a cigar box. "Check
this out! I wonder what's in it?"
    "Spaz! Don't....."
    Suddenly, there was a bright green flash, and seconds later, Airball was
nowhere to be seen.
    "Spaz! Where the Hell are you?! You Loser, I told you not to open that
box! Oh, man......."

    Meanwhile, somewhere in the (n-1)th dimension.....
    Lord Airball stood on a plane. Not an airplane, but a plane. Like, it was
nowhere. There was what resembled a green grid on what seemed to be the floor.
There was no sky, just solid black. The plane seemed to extend on to infinity.
Not completely unlike something out of 9th grade geometry class.
    "Nuke? Where are you? Where am I? Am I dreaming? HELLLLOOOO????!!!!!"
    "YOU HAVE TAKEN MY BAIT." Resounded a booming, almost Satanic sounding 
voice, echoing from beyond the depths. 
    "Uhhh..... Yeah. Hello? Who the Hell are you?" Spaz noticed that he was
still holding the peculiar black box from the tangled wreck.
    "I NEEDED ONE OF YOU TO OPEN A GATE TO YOUR DIMENSION. NOW THAT IT
IS OPEN,
I MAY ENTER YOUR UNIVERSE, AND CONQUER IT." 
    "Yeah. Okay. Who are you? When I wake up I want to tell Nuke about you."
    "*YOU ARE NOT DREAM......* LOOK, YOU ARE NO LONGER OF ANY USE TO ME.
YOUR
PURPOSE HAS BEEN FULFILLED. YOU ARE TO BE TERMINATED. AND, JUST TO
FULFILL YOUR
DYING WISH, MY NAME, ROUGHLY CODED INTO PATTERNS THAT YOUR
INFINITESIMAL MIND 
CAN COMPREHEND, WOULD BE THE SOUND "JuTH.""
     Spaz started to become a tad concerned at the sound of the word
'terminated.' "Wait a sec...." he thought to himself, "dream or no dream,
terminated is bad. I need to buy some time...."
    "So, Jay, and just HOW are you going to accomplish this little feat?"
    "YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT."
    "Aw, come on. Please?"
    "WELL, I AM IN NO RUSH...." Spaz let out a sigh of relief, and began to
scan around the infinite plane for anything that might resemble a way out.

    Meanwhile, back in the 3rd dimension.....
    It was twilight the next morning. Nuke had called over Skippy and Digits
shortly after the vanishing to assist him in locating the missing Airball. 
The three of them had managed to move the thing deeper into the woods, away
from the eyes of any passing travelers that might have been on the road on
that dark night. Nuke's bad vibes ceased shortly after the disappearance. 
They searched the woods for hours for the vanished Loser, as they were all 
exhausted. By this time, it was already nearing daybreak.
    "Okay," started Digits, "you say he opened the box, and then he just
vanished?"
    "Yup."
    "And there was a green glow?"
    "Uh huh ." 
    "What else did you notice?"
    "Well, I could feel these vibes, they were bad."
    "Define, 'bad'"
    "I dunno, creepy."
    "I see. Well, this thing is definitely not from Earth. I mean, look at it."
    A voice then emerged from beneath the vessel. "Hey! I think I found
something!" Skippy emerged with an white box-like mechanism, that without your
prescription glasses on might have resembled an HP DeskJet printer. "I wonder 
what it is?"
    As soon as Nuke saw it, an expression of panic formed on his face. "The
vibes..." he began, "they're back!"
    Skippy and Digits just looked at each other.
    "Lose the printer!" Yelled Nuke. So, Skippy thrust it against a rock, and
it cracked open violently.

    MEANWHILE, back in the (n-1)th dimension.....
    "TIME, AS YOU KNOW IT, HAS NO MEANING HERE. IN YOUR DIMENSION, I
WOULD BE
WHAT YOU CALL ETERNAL. ONCE I CROSS THE GATE, I SHALL TAKE HUMAN
FORM, KNOWING
FULL WELL OF ALL THAT HAS AND WILL HAPPEN IN YOUR DIMENSION."
    Spaz looked nervously around, while trying not to look too suspicious. When
from seemingly out of nothing, a vague ripple in the void seemed to appear in
the corner of his eye.
    "USING THIS KNOWLEDGE, I SHALL SLOWLY TAKE OVER YOUR WORLD,
TURNING ALL OF 
YOUR PRIMITIVE "LIFE" INTO MY MINDLESS SLAVES." 
    Spaz blinked his eyes a couple of times, just to make sure they weren't
playing tricks on him. The strange rift began to take the form of a desk jet
printer.
    "AS I HAVE OBSERVED, MANY ARE ALREADY TRAINED, THOSE WHOM YOU
CALL WINNERS. 
I SHALL CONQUER THEM FIRST. FROM YOUR WORLD, I WILL THEN GO FORTH TO
CLAIM THE 
REST OF YOUR UNIVERSE. FOR THEN, I SHALL BE A GOD."
     "That..... that's really great." Went Spaz. Hey, before you kill me, can I
just say one last thing?"
     "OH, FINE. BUT MAKE IT QUICK."
     "Your shoelaces are untied." He then made a mad dash toward the printer.
     "WHAT NONSENSE IS...." Boomed the voice. "NO! THIS CANNOT....."

     Meanwhile, back in the 3rd dimension.......
     A green glow began to form around the spot where the broken printer lied.
Suddenly, the form of Spaz appeared from within the light, as he was seemingly
diving out from within the rock, and landed in a small pile of leaves.
     "Ouch." Said Spaz.
     "Spaz!" Resounded Skippy and Digits at the same time, as Nuke still stood
there frozen.
     "We have to get away from here, NOW." Ordered Meltdown, with a look of
dire urgency on his face. Spaz decided to listen to him this time. The four
Losers ran clumsily through the woods, and out into the street. Suddenly, cold
wind blew through, and a bright, yet very quick light burst out from right
about where they had just come from. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, it 
vanished. The wind stopped immediately after.
     "Crap." Went Spaz. "It's JuTH. It want's to take over our universe."
     "What the smeg are you talking about?" Asked Digits. 
     "I was in another dimension, and a hyperdimensional being called JuTH has
entered Winneria and will take human form and use it's omnipotent knowledge to
rule us all and make us all slaves."
     "Bummer." Retorted Skippy.
     "I knew something like this would happen." Added Nuke.
     "So," injected Digits, "what do we do now?"
     "I dunno. It said that it specifically was after Winners, so maybe we just
sit here and wait."
     "What time is it?" Asked Airball. "How can it be daylight already?"
     "It's 5:30 am. You've been gone for 3 hours."
     "What? I was with JuTH for 5 minutes!"
     They stood silently for a few moments after that.

     Then, asked Skippy, "What's in the box?"
     "Dunno." Spaz opened the box, to reveal a perfectly spherical clear
crystalline orb, that seemed to shine in thousands of different colors all at
once, however it definitely seemed to reflect a peculiar image of green.
     "Cool!" Resounded all 4 Losers at once.
     "What IS it?" Asked Digits.
      Answered Airball, "Maybe we can sell it."
      "No!" Answered a random voice, which emanated from behind them. They all
turned to view a girl, but not a complete girl. It was as if they could see
through her.
      "Dude, you look like a hologram!" Noted Skippy.
      "Not quite. I am not of your dimension. I came here to assist you. Only
you four can stop the evil JuTH from destroying the entire continuum. I can only
interact as a projection here."
      Replied Skippy, "Uh, US? What are WE supposed to do?"
      "JuTH made one mistake - letting you escape with
that orb. With it, you have a fraction of its power, which just might be 
enough to stop it. I just need you all to touch it at the same time."
      "Okay." The orb was about the size of a baseball. About a millisecond
after they all touched it, there was a green flash of light, and they had all
vanished.

From: "Cleanliness is next to impossible."  7-NOV-1995 21:41:02.65

     The four Losers instantly found themselves in a void space - empty, with
only blackness and a few scattered waves of color scurrying around the
seemingly infinite perimeters. There appeared to be no ground, no ceiling, and
no walls. The translucent girl was still with them.
     She then began, "JuTH is a powerful scourge in her dimension. It is 
impossible to explain transdimensional physics to you, no offense, but you're 
brains would need to be increased by about 2 to the 800 trillionth
power times larger than they currently are just to envision the concept....."
     "Uhhhhhh......." Interrupted Skippy.
     "Yes? Are you experiencing what life of your dimension would consider an
'illness?'"
     "I....... Uhhhhhhhh........."
     "Or are you just completely overwhelmed by the vastness of the scenery?"
     "Uhhhhhhh...... Yeah."
     "Understandable. Relax. You are safer here than anywhere in the Universe.
Right now, we are in between dimensions. To the matter at hand, JuTH is a very
advanced being, one level short of reaching the final level being, after
which it could complete the cycle that is this Universe. I am the guardian of 
the nth dimension. JuTH exists within the parameters of the n-1th dimension. 
However, it is not the model entity. No one commences to another level until 
completely 'solving' the one in which it is currently existing. JuTH was a very 
stable entity in it's prime, but toward the end, its consciousness began to 
slip and falter. It could not get through the (n-1)th phase, and it was eating 
it inside. So, it decided to try and use it's acquired wisdom to interact with,
and perhaps dominate over the lower dimensions. This, however, is a serious 
offense in the Universal scheme, punishable by eternal banishment. Thus, it was
banished to a hyperdimensional rift in a fractal zone somewhere between the 
(n-1)th and nth dimensions, where it was to remain until it recycled itself. 
Which, in your scale of "time," is not comprehensible to you. But, that's 
not important. Somehow, it managed to create a vessel from the rift in which
it was trapped, into your third dimension, opening a gate through which it
could escape. Fortunately for us, it made one mistake - you have the power core
of that interesting vessel it created - that orb. Now that JuTH is here, it no 
longer needs it. However, with the orb, you can use it as a gate into the vast 
hyperdimensional Universe, and harness some of it's power. However, the power 
will be very abstract to you, and thus difficult to control. Also, JuTH is
aware that you possess the orb."
      There was a sudden break of extremely eerie silence, until Nuke finally
blurted out, "That's bad, right?"
      "Yes. That's bad." She answered. "Also, as a final warning about the
power and intentions of JuTH, I am going to show you your world if nothing is
done to stop it."
      Before the Losers could get a word in, they were all in the middle of a
crowded city street. Everyone had on the exact same uniform, and everyone wore
a plastic smile. All of the haircuts were exactly the same, men and women alike.
Everyone walked at exactly the same pace, from building to building, and no one
stopped to say a word to anyone else. The buildings were all exactly the same.
Large greyish cubic structures with rectangular windows and doors. The streets
were immaculate, and the only thing visible that was not black, white or grey,
was an immense billboard in the middle of the city square, with a picture of an
ugly guy with a cigarette, wearing an ugly brown leather jacket, and dirty
blonde hair tied up in a long ponytail in the back. Occasionally, the mindless
people would stop, and kneel before the billboard, as if they were worshiping
the figure upon it like he was some sort of God.
      The four Losers all let out a bloodcurdlingly loud scream all at the
exact same time. But, before they could finish the scream, they suddenly
realized that they were all back in Airball's front yard, still with the 
apparition of the nth dimensional guardian.
      They let out another loud, yet shorter scream, after suddenly realizing
that they had just jumped through time and space. When they realized that they
were home, they stopped and let out a sigh of relief.
      "Who was that yutz on the billboard?" Asked Skippy, with a look of
disgust.
      "His name is Arnold. He is a photographer for the town
paper, 'The Winneria Times.' I suggest you start your mission with him."
      "That guy was awful!" Added Airball.
      "Hold on." Jutted in Nuke, "what do you mean 'our' mission?"
      "I can't stay here. I must return. Use the orb, it's all you need."
      As she began to fade out, Airball threw in "Yah! But duh? How the Hell
do we use this thing? Don't you have an instruction manual?"
      "Use your insight. And especially, remember who you ARE..."
      That was the last thing heard before she completely vanished. By now,
it was about 7:00 am Winneria time. After a few seconds of contemplative
silence, Airball whined, "I'm hungry. Nuke, do you have any cereal at your
house?" 
       "Yeah. Hold on, who are we?"
       Replied Spaz, "Duh, You're Nuke, he's Skippy, this dork is Digits and
I'm hungry."
       "We're Losers." Stated Skippy, with a dire look on his face.
       "No," added Nuke, "we're not just losers, we are LOSER."
       "Well," noted Digits, "what do we do now?"
       Answered Airball, "we eat." The Losers stopped and stared at Airball for
a few seconds, until Nuke finally said "fine, let's go get this idiot some
food." The fearless foursome then headed down the road to the home of Captain
Meltdown.

From:IN%"WHEELED@ithaca.edu"  "SLIDER"  8-NOV-1995 23:44:27.62

     The four walked into Nuke's house and immediately they
all smiled.  Nuke's mom had gone shopping that day.  The house
was filled with all sorts of cool things.  A Mozart CD was placed
into the CD player and tuna melts were prepared by everyone (except
Nuke, who used chicken salad instead of tuna).  The Captain's room 
(also known as the "Toxic Waste Dump" - which was probably better than 
Skippy's room, or "Ground Zero."), as always was a mess, so everyone 
just hung around the kitchen table and talked about the events that 
had just taken place.  Skippy just sat there and picked at little 
bits of his food.
     "How can you guys eat at a time like this?" Asked Nuke.
     "Because we're hungry,"  Spaz replied.
     "And starving, too"  Digits piped in.
     "Okay, well, let's get down to business though," began Nuke. 
"This has got to be the coolest thing that has ever happened in this 
neighborhood."
     "How can you say this is cool?? This beast is going to turn
the planet into a clan of ass-kissing Winners!" Whined Skippy.
     "Yeah, but we just found a dimensional gate..."  replied Spaz, 
giving Digits a high-five.
        Nuke just smiled and said "Mmmmmm....dimensional gate."  He then
stood up and walked into his room where he played a few bars on his out of
tune piano.  Random.
        Nuke returned to the kitchen to continue their nutritious breakfast, 
and deep conversation. The awed silence was suddenly broken by a familiar,
loud noise -  the phone rang. 
                                                                              
From: "Don't forget your towel." 17-NOV-1995 17:32:19.29

 Skippy was startled by the sudden ringing of the phone, causing him to
generate a quick nervous twitch, consequently causing some of his tuna to
project forth off his fork and onto Airball's shirt. Nuke answered the phone.
 "Halllo?"
 Airball, who just happened to not preferably like having tuna on his shirt,
counterattacked by flinging a small glob of melted cheese, with precision
accuracy, so that it adhered neatly to the edge of Skippy's glasses. 
 "Yeah, sure!" Echoed Nuke. "Hang on... Will you guys shut up?"
 Skippy flinched, and then laughed, with a slight aura of sarcasm behind his
amusement. Spaz laughed along with him. Digits just continued to eat his
sandwich, while watching the potential show. Skippy then bounced a Frito off
Spaz's forehead.
  "Okay, we'll be up in a few minutes. Maybe you can help us figure out what
this thing is we found. Later."
  Nuke hung up the phone to witness Spaz dumping a half a bag of salt and
vinegar potato chips over Skippy's head. Dan's reaction was a rather
predictable, "What are you DOING??!"
  Spaz and Skippy both just stopped and looked at Nuke. They then turned and
looked at each other, and then looked at the remainder of Skippy's almost
untouched tuna melt still on the plate. They then looked at each other again,
and within a matter of seconds, Nuke had a tuna melt in his hair. The most
interesting part was, Nuke didn't even flinch.
   "Thanks for the sandwiches, Captain." Remarked Digits, finishing up the last
bite.
   "Losers-" Began Nuke, "We're going to see the Therapist."
   Spaz jumped up from his spot, and began to jump around the kitchen shouting 
"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!...." and continued his pattern right out the door. 
   Remarked Skippy, "Your Mom is going to be upset about this mess."
   "You're right. You guys help me clean it up."
   "Uhh..." Interrupted Digits, "I just sat here! Spaz should be the one in
here cleaning this...."
   "You wanna go tell him?"
   The Losers could still see and hear Spaz jumping around the porch shouting
"Oh boy! The therapist!! Oh boy!..."
   Suggested Skippy, "Maybe we should get him some Valium or something." 
   "He's already ON Valium." Stated Nuke.

   After about 2 minutes, the Losers were on the road walking over to see the
Therapist. Now, the Therapist wasn't really a therapist, but actually an
engineer. He was also not a Loser, but he was a good friend of the Losers for a
really long time who lived in the neighborhood. He was also a little older and
wiser than the others. However, that wasn't why the Losers called him the
Therapist. See, his real name was Ray. And, well.... just wait and see.
   The Losers walked through the yard of Ray's house. He let the Losers in,
and they all sat around the kitchen table and told him the whole story about
the strange vessel in the woods, and JuTH, and the orb, and Arnold. They then
showed Ray the orb.
   "Wow." Was his commentary. Asked Digits, "Have you ever seen anything like
it?"
   "No. It's texture doesn't conform to any crystalline type that I've ever
even read about."
   "You don't know what it..... like... does, do you?" Asked Spaz.
   "Nope."
   Asked Digits, "Well, now what?" Provoking Captain Meltdown's response, "We
have to go find this Arnold guy. If that image we saw was true, he must fit
into JuTH's plan somehow."
   Spaz stood up abruptly. "Agreed. Make it so. Mr. Laforge, warp nine!"
   The others just looked at one another, and nodded. Ray shook his head
slowly.
 
   The four Losers plus Ray all hopped into Ray's car, and they headed downtown
to the office of the Winneria Times. It was about 9:30 am, and it was a
Saturday. So, they had a shot that he might be there. The five of them casually
strolled across Main street, and into the office. The lobby had an information
desk, and an elevator. As they headed for the elevator, a shrill voice called
out, "Uhh, you can't go up there."
   The Losers just stopped in their tracks, and Skippy the mediator calmly
walked over to the desk. 
   "I'm sorry, ma'am. We were unaware. See, we're looking for a photographer
that works here named Arnold. It's very important that we speak with him."
   "Oh. Well, I'll have to page him down here." She replied in a snotty voice.
   "Thank you, ma'am. That would be super!" Said Skippy with a polite and 
dignified smile. The woman just sneered at him.
   "Cheese, he's good." Whispered Spaz quietly to Nuke.
   After about 15 seconds, the woman shrilly announces "He's on his way down
now. Have a seat over there."
   "Thank you!" Shined Skippy with a warm smile. "You are very kind."
   The woman just sneered and shrugged. Skippy returned over to the others, who
were still standing.
   "What a shrew!" Whispered Skippy under his breath. Just then, Nuke looked
up, his eyes glowed with a shine of amazement.
   "What! What!!" Yelled Airball. Dan opened his mouth, but before any sound
could emerge, the elevator door slid open, and out emerged the grimiest,
nicotine-stained unbathed individual that they had ever seen. His dirty blonde
hair was tied up in a pony-tail in the back, and he wore a brown leather jacket
that smelled like cigarette smoke.
    The 4 Losers just stood with a sense of fear and awe, while Ray just turned
up his nose in disgust at the sight of the pathetic figure.
    Airball suddenly regained his senses after a few seconds, and turned to
Dan. "What were you gonna say?"
    "Belgium! I forgot again! I thought of something this morning, and forgot
it. Then I remembered it, and now I forgot it again."
    "I hate it when that happens." Added Digits.
    "Can I..... help you?" sang Arnold, in a slightly off-key voice that made
it sound somewhat obnoxious.
    "Uhhhh......" Began Airball. Digits then added a "I.........."
    After a few seconds of unintelligible sounds, Skippy just blurted out,
"Have you met anyone named JuTH today?"
    Airball slapped himself in the forehead, while Nuke closed his eyes tight
and shook his head slowly.
    "Juth? No, sorry guys. I really can't help you there..."
    Added Digits, "now you wouldn't lie to us, would you?"
    "Who the Hell are you?"
    Airball jumped in. "Oooooh.... you said a bad word..."
    Skippy and Digits started to snicker, while Nuke for some reason seemed to
hate this Arnold person substantially more than the others. However, he kept
quiet.
    "Look." Said Arnold, standing up straight and asserting himself by pulling
out a cigarette. "I think you boys should leave." 
    Airball started to cough, and then noticed a "No Smoking" sign on the wall.
    "Uhh, moron, there's *cough* no smoking in here."
    "Shut up, wuss. I thought I told you to leave. So beat it." Arnold then
pushed Airball backwards. Arnold was, unfortunately, a bit bigger than the
Losers. However, Ray was bigger than Arnold.
     Nuke, Skippy, and Digits just instinctively took a step back, when, as if
they knew, an arm flew between them like a bolt of lightning. Suddenly, there
was a loud *thud*, and all they could see, was Ray's back, and Arnold pinned up
against the elevator. 
      "OW! What the.... What are you...." mumbled Arnold in panic as he dropped
his cigarette.
      "Put me down! You've pinned me to the elevator door!"
      Quoth Airball, "Nevermore."
      Ray just looked mean. "Look, you filthy no-talent cheeseboy FREAK!! I
could put you THROUGH the elevator door if I want to!!"
      Suddenly, the room started to smell like urine. 
      "Hey... HEY!! What are you doing?!" Shrieked the desk secretary. "I'm
calling security!!"
      "Look, penis boy!!" Said Ray, with a look of fury on his face that would 
make Clint Eastwood look like Barney. "Just listen. If you meet anyone named
Juth, don't talk to him. Get it?"
       "Uhh.... Ah...."
       "If I find out you did, I'll rip off your legs and flog you with them,
and THEN I'll throw you down the elevator shaft!"
       "Ahh..... Uh huh...."
       "Good." Ray then threw Arnold about 8 feet, right onto his gluteus
maximus. Just then, two Gold Shield security guards rushed into the lobby.
       "We're leaving." Announced Ray, with a look not unlike a serial killer
after a really bad day.
       The Losers scurried out, as the security guards were frozen in their
tracks. "Leave them... I'm okay." Stated Arnold, in a whiny and pathetic voice.
Skippy looked back, and said "Bye! Thanks for your help!" Doing so, he could 
see the distinct wet stain on Arnold's jeans.
        The Losers just marched across the street, perfectly quiet. For the
record, that's why Ray is called Therapist. It's short for The - Ray - Pissed.

 Meanwhile, back in the lobby of the Winneria times.....
        The guards helped Arnold stand up. They were curling their noses since
he reeked of the stench of urine. 
        "Uhh, you sure you're okay Mr. Miller?"
        "I'm fine, Mark!! I'm fine! Just leave me alone, okay?"
        Arnold just lumbered back into the elevator. He figured he would head
back up to his 3rd floor office to try and dry his pants. On the way to his 
office, he knew he had to walk past his bosses office and the secretary's desk,
so he was hoping he could act inconspicuous enough to conceal his urinary shame.
        Upon exiting the elevator, he was pleased to discover that the
secretary's desk was uncharacteristically unoccupied. So, he slowly tried to
tiptoe by, when his bosses door just happened to fling open just as he was
walking right in front of it.
        "Miller! Just the man I want to see. What is that SMELL?"
        "Nothing, Mr. Parker Sir, I just, uhhh... spilled my chicken broth on 
me."
        "That broth smells like PISS!!"
        "Yes sir, it.... it does doesn't it."
        "Anyway, I'd like you to meet our new secretary. This is Agnes."
        Just then, a young, and not particularly attractive woman wearing tight
tights, a miniskirt, and high heels stepped out from behind Mr. Parker. She was
no more than 20 years old, and for some reason, Arnold found himself strangely
attracted to her.
         "I... Uhhh.... I'm Arnold." 
         "I know. Mr. Parker told me about you. I think it will be a pleasure
working with you."

From:   "SLIDER"  3-DEC-1995 19:25:10.00

     The four Losers plus Ray drove out of the parking lot and off toward 
Taco Bell.  Nuke was still hungry.  The 2 minute ride there was awfully quiet,
and the first words said were "Give me 2 chicken burritos, and make them
good, and make it fast."
     There were no other cars in line, so Nuke handed the money to Ray
who paid, and then sat there glaring at the pimple-faced Winner schmuck 
who was manning the drive through.
     "Okay, so this Arnold ass-nuggett doesn't know about JuTH, or
if he does he's really good at lying under pressure, which he's
probably had a lot of practice at."  Nuke said.
     "Yeah, but what do we do now?"  Asked Digits.
     "We could try to find out more about this orb." Answered Skippy.
Prompted Digits, "Ray doesn't even know about it, and we don't know any other
engineers. So we're up the proverbial creek without anything to propel
the boat." 
     "Let's light it on fire and see what it does" Nuke said, only
half joking. Suggested Airball, "Who said anything about science and 
engineers, anyway? Let's go to someone who knows about weird stuff like 
this. Let's go to Trash and see who's hanging out there today." 
     Ray was handed the bag with 2 chicken burritos in it, and
kind of half flung it at Nuke, who kind of half caught it and started
eating. The car drove off toward the other end of town.

        Meanwhile, back at the Taco Bell drive-through.....
     The pimple faced scrub watched the car drive off and said to his 
associate, "uh-oh, they're the chosen ones who are to try and stop the coming
of JuTH. We must find Arnold now!"
     "Randy, Jared, you little dumb-asses! Quit goofin' around and go 
freshen up the dumpster out back!" Yelled the boss.

From:  "Cryptic Zoologist s/: Sasquatch."  6-DEC-1995 11:11:35.14

  Now "Trash" was this store. It was the last haven for Losers all around. When
all the Winners would be hanging out at the Winneria mall, the Losers would go
to more creative places, like a park, or an elementary school, or the
illustrious Trash. Trash was the only place where you could find records of
bands like Big-Headed Batman, Scooby Don't or Flag Of Democracy. They sold 
crappy, uncool clothes, all kinds of 60's paraphernalia, and it was owned and 
run by 3 local beatniks. Unfortunately, however, the crowd that actually bought 
stuff there was growing smaller and smaller every day. It seemed like more and 
more people were becoming malljammers, and no one even showed up when the long 
awaited Invaders From Sears album was released. To stay in business, Trash had 
to start carrying a few token Pearl Jam and Nine Inch Nails CD's, just to suck 
in a few Winners in order to be able to stay in business. 
   The Losers entered the store, leaving Ray behind in the car. He refused to
associate with hippies in any way shape or form. The only customer in there was
a kid with big pants and a brand spankin' new Raiders jacket. The kid was at
the counter, and he could loudly be heard to ask,
   "Hey, have you ever heard of Bad Religion?" 
   The guy behind the counter, who we all know as Malcolm Tent (If that IS
his real name), had on a My Dad is Dead shirt, and sported long, LONG,
straight brown hair, and a scruffy, unemployed, and uncool bearded look.
    "Gee," replied Malcolm, "I don't know. I mean, even though they've been
around for about 15 years, they've only been a Buzz Clip for about 2 months
now. So, no, I can't say I've heard of them." His sarcastic overtones pleased
the Losers thoroughly.
    "Yeah, well I don't need you. I'm going to the mall!" The kid then turned
to see the Losers sneering at him in disgust.
    "What are you LOSERS lookin' at?" 
    Replied Airball, "A pathetic waste of about 200 dollars in clothes."
    The Winner just made a face and stormed out of the store.
    Added Malcolm, "Damn Winner."
    Airball approached the counter. "Hey Malcolm. Is business picking up?"
    "Nahh. We keep on getting these stupid jocks like that kid. The number of
Dorks and Losers in here is getting less and less each day. What's happening to
them all?"
    "Actually, that's what we came to ask you. Nuke?"
    Nuke opened up the black box, revealing the infinitely colored orb. 
    "HOLY Sh.... Where did you get that? There are some totally boss vibes
coming from that thing! Loser vibes!"
    "Really? Cool! See, there's this sub-infinite dimensional being called JuTH
who is trying to take over our Universe by turning everyone into its mindless
subservient Winners. This thing opened up it's gate from it's dimension, and a
1-higher dimensional being told us that we need to use this orb to stop JuTH."
    "Rad, dudes! That babe dude must be sending you Loser energy from her
dimension. That thing is HOT!"
    Skippy stepped up next, asking "Well, do you know how to use it?"
    "Well, can't you feel it? It's got four waves. It probably needs all four of
you to activate it."
    All four Losers just sorta looked at each other, letting out a distinct form
of "OH.... Duh......"
    "Cool!" Jutted Airball. "Thanks Malcolm!" The Losers turned and started to
leave, when Airball turned suddenly.
    "Hey, there's an new Crud 7" out!" And he pulled out his wallet.
 
    After Airball made his purchase, the Losers went outside to notice Ray's
car gone. A look of concern crossed their faces.
    Just then, a white, souped up Nissan with tinted windows and a loud
booming bass blasting screamed into the parking lot, and about 6 big
Winner jocks all wearing designer football jackets stormed out. 
    "That's them!" Yelled one of the think tank, "that's those Losers that
insulted me!"
    "Eek." Said Airball.
    Airball, Skippy and Digits all headed away from the jocks, toward the back
of the building. Nuke, ran into the Winners, leaping at them and kicking one in
the groin while punching another cleanly with a hard right to the cheekbone.
The jocks, stunned by this, all ganged up un Nuke. They punched and kicked him, 
basically beating him almost to unconsciousness. They then carried him to the
back of the building.
     The others, however, after running to the back, stopped suddenly.
     "Where's Nuke?!" Yelled an alarmed Skippy. Replied Digits, 
     "The Winners got him." Airball started to run back to the front of the 
building, but Skippy grabbed his arm. "Wait! We should listen to that hippie
guy!"
    "What? Oh, you mean..." Airball opened the box, and the 3 Losers all looked
at the orb. "What do we do?" Asked Airball, in a somewhat panic, but not
panicked in any way. Digits replied, 
    "Remember when we saw the future and Arnold? We all touched the orb!"
    They looked at each other, and all put their hands on the mystical artifact
at exactly the same time. It felt kinda fuzzy, not unlike when you sit on a
washing machine while it's in the spin dry cycle, but nothing extraordinary
happened. 
    "We need Nuke." Exclaimed Skippy after a few seconds. Just then, the jocks
stormed around to the back, while one of them shouted, "There they are! Kill
them!!" 
    "Brilliant, aren't they?" Noted Digits. Added Airball, "Oh crap, they've
got the Captain!"
    The jocks threw Nuke to the other Losers, stumbling over by the volition of
the push that shoved him, to be caught by Skippy.
    "Ouch." Said Captain Meltdown.
    "Now we're gonna pound the lotta ya!" Yelled a Winner jock, as they started
to slowly march toward the Losers. It was a pleasantly cool day out, not
cloudy, but there were a few clouds very high up. The sky was really blue. Then
Airball decided to put Nuke's hand on the orb. Seeing this, Skippy and Digits
did the same. Then, just before the first jocks fist was about to swing,
everything stopped. There was complete silence in the back lot behind Trash.
The four Losers were the only things that appeared to not be frozen in time.
    "Nuke?" Asked Airball, "you okay?"
    "Holy farging buttchips! Yeah, I feel fine! I mean, all the pain just went
away!" At about the same time, Skippy let out a droning "Oooh mmmyyyy...."
Digits just stood there with his jaw hanging down and his eyes really wide.
They were all still touching the orb.
    "Should we let go of it?" Asked Nuke. Replied Airball,
    "I dunno.... if time starts up right now, we're gonna get clocked."
    "Maybe we should try and move."
    "Okay." The 4 Losers then slowly moved in tiny steps, about 15 feet away
from the angry mob of thriving intelligence that was the Winners. They stopped
when they hit the edge of the back lot.
    "Now what?" Queried Skippy. They paused for a few seconds, and then replied
Nuke, "Maybe we can get some weapons."
    Asked Digits, "Like what?" 
    "I don't know, use your imagination."
    Within a few seconds, Skippy was holding a yellow plastic wiffle ball bat,
Digits had a machete, Airball had a chainsaw, and Nuke was holding small
canister that didn't not look like the lightsaber Luke Skywalker had in Return
of the Jedi. They were all so shocked by this, that they dropped the orb into
the grass. At that exact moment, they could see the pack of Winners swinging at
air, with expressions of dumfoundedness that looked stupid even for them. They
turned in horror at this sudden sound of "Bzzzzzzzzzshht......." followed by a
rather characteristic sound of a roaring gas powered engine. Before any Winners
could even produce a neural impulse from their brains to any other parts of
their bodies, Nuke attacked them swinging his arms in a manner that would make
a bystander think of Ken Griffey Jr. Blood and body parts were being
scattered to and fro, accompanied by the sounds of flesh searing, designer
clothes ripping, and an eerie buzzing sound like that of when you swing a
vacuum cleaner hose around over your head. Before anyone had a chance to
scream, the Losers were standing alone, amidst what looked like a coroner's
doctoral dissertation presentation. Of course, Skippy, Digits and Airball all
just stood there, as they had no chance to react either in the time that Nuke
completely discombobulated the Winners.
     "Cool!" Exclaimed Captain Meltdown, standing straight and turning off his
newest toy.
     The Losers just stood there staring at him for about 20 seconds, as
Airball nonchalantly turned off the chainsaw.
     "Uhhhh..... Nuke?" Started Airball, "we can go to jail for this."
     "Oh yeah. Didn't think about that. Well, the lightsaber fused their skin
upon cutting, so there isn't much blood...."
     "Captain, you're not seeing the big picture. They are DEAD. VERY dead."
     "Oh. Well, maybe we can use the orb."
     The Losers all touched the orb again, and they experienced that washing
machine sensation once again. Almost immediately, the weapons vanished, along
with all of the aforementioned body parts. They vanished with a quick flash of
green light. 
      They let go of the orb, and all was tranquil. There was a bird singing
very close by, and the gentle hum of the traffic on the very close by highway
was a soothing sound. Nuke turned and looked a Skippy.
      "A wiffle ball bat?!"
      "Hey! I didn't want to KILL them!"
      The Losers started to walk slowly to the front of the store. They were
completely silent, all still speechless from the amazing event that had just
occurred. Just then, they could see Ray pull into the parking lot. They all
just stopped and stared at him as he parked and got out of the car. He was
carrying a hamburger and a cup of soda.
       "You guys were taking forever, so I went to McDonalds. What's wrong with
you? Why do you look like you've just killed someone."

From:   "SLIDER"  8-DEC-1995 14:10:27.58

     "Oh.... you know Nuke, he always looks that way." Digits replied,
grinning nervously.
     "Whatever.  Are you buttsluts gonna get in the car, or are we
going to just stand around all day?" 

     The Losers hopped into Ray's car and drove off toward home. No one 
really talked much on the ride home, but every once in a while Nuke would 
quietly mumble "a wiffle ball bat.... hee hee...." to himself.
     "Uh, Ray, could you drop us off at Spaz's house?"  Skippy asked.
     "Sure, but I want to play basketball later, after I wash my car."
     The four Losers piled out of the car at Airball's house and watched
Ray drive off. They all turned and started to walk up the driveway, got
about half way up and then all stopped and looked at each other. Then, they 
said in unison "what the Hell do we do now?"
     "Okay, here's the deal..." Began Digits, now with the ideal that he was
in control. "We have to be together from now until this whole thing gets 
worked out. We have to live together, eat together, breathe together, sleep 
together, and even go to the bathroom together."
     "Yuck!" The other three said all at once.
     "No, he's right," Added Airball. "If we get separated we're screwed.
Think about it....  the orb needs all three of us...."
     "No, four."
     "Right, all four of us to activate it. If we get separated, we
can't activate the orb, and whatever happens, happens. No saving our butts
like we did earlier." 
     "There's gotta be a way to find out more about Arnold, to figure
out exactly how much he knows about Juth. I know he was lying when we
confronted him." Digits said.
        Replied Skippy, "You think he was lying? Did you see the puddle in 
his pants??"
        After thinking for a few seconds, Nuke replied, "Maybe. There's only
one way to find out though. We need to go back to the Times office."
        "The office?" Replied Airball, with a sort of psychotic look on his 
face. "The office?!! THE OFFICE!!! THE OFFICE! THE OFFICE! THE OFFICE! etc..."
        Nuke took in a deep sigh, and began "Well, Spaz likes the idea. Are we
there guys?"
        "THE OFFICE! THE OFFICE! THE OFFICE! THE OFFICE!.........."
        "Uhhh...." Went Skippy, "Sounds good, but how do we get there? Ray's
the only one with a car."
        "Touch the orb!" Answered Digits, with a grin.
        "Oh yeah!" Interjected Nuke. "Someone club that psycho and get him to
touch this so we can get us a BMW.
        "THE OFFICE! THE OFFICE! THE OFF... *thud* OWWW!!!!"

From:   "Mike's Dysfunction" 29-JAN-1996 16:37:27.99

     Upon Airball's return to this galaxy (waking up from his very short yet
unexpected blow-to-the-head induced nap), he slowly added his hand to the 
three already upon the orb. After about 5 seconds of what didn't not feel like 
a mild electric shock, it stopped. They looked at each other, and then slowly 
approached the window, looking outside to see a nice, shiny new 380i SL 
convertible, and it was purple, just like grape bubble gum.
     "Whoa!" Went Spaz. "Great color!!"
     The Losers scurried down the stars, and out into the driveway. Airball 
zipped to the drivers' side door, and saw the keys in the ignition. Nuke 
shouted, "Uhh, Spaz? What are you doing?"
     "Ummmmm...... Getting in the car?"
     "No. I'M driving. I want to get there *today*."
     Airball pouted and got into the back. The BMW screamed out of the 
driveway, leaving rubber marks all over the road behind them.
     As the Losers were zipping toward town, Nuke was forced to jam on the 
brakes due to a large detour sign that was strategically planted in the road. 
So, they started driving down a different road, that seemed to be going 
nowhere very exciting. After about 10 minutes of seeing no other signs, the 
scenery had turned to nothing but trees and road.
     "Have you ever been this way before?" Asked Skippy.
     "Nope." Replied Nuke. The rest of you?
     Skippy Airball and Digits just shook with a distinct "uh uh."
     "Hm." Went the Captain. Suddenly, his eyes lit up, and he turned around
and looked at Airball behind him, causing Airball to jump from the surprise.
     "I just remembered what I thought of this morning!"
     "What? What?" Just before Nuke said a word, Skippy yelled "LOOK OUT!!!"
Skippy, being in the death seat, of course was slightly concerned when his 
driver was driving while looking almost directly backwards.
     The Captain spun around and slammed on the breaks. A salvo of police cars
were blocking the road. Nuke managed to stop just inches from them.
One of the officers approached the car, and knocked on the window. 
By now, the Losers had just come out of shock, enough for nuke to get the
window open. "Yes officers? Is there a problem?"
     "Would y'all please step out of the car?"
     Slowly, the Losers got out. Smiling, ready to cooperate and to not get
into any more trouble than they were already in. As they emerged, they could 
see that the policemen were all watching them like hawks. There were 4 cars,
and probably about 8 cops, including the one who was standing by the car. The
rest were only a few feet away by the roadblock. As Airball emerged from the 
car, the cop's eyes got wide. "IT'S HIM!!" He shouted, and he grabbed Spaz and
started to drag him back to the police car. "Uhhh...." Said Spaz, "I......
Uhhhh...." The other cops all pulled their guns and aimed them at the other 
3 Losers. One of them approached them, handing them a very official piece of
paper. They could see Spaz being thrown into the back of a cruiser.
     The piece of paper had a picture of Airball on it, with a big headline
of WANTED. It was stamped with a town seal, and had a list of charges on it 
from armed robbery to murder. 
     "So," Said the cop, "did you know you were carrying a known felon?"
     "Uhhh, no." Said Nuke. "He was a hitchhiker, we just picked him up."
     "Is THAT so? You, is he telling the truth?"
     Skippy just stood in panic, and then finally just nodded. The trooper 
looked at Digits who said "I told him not to pick up the hitchhiker! I did!
But NO. Let's pick him up! He looks like a nice guy. DUH! He never listens
to me."
     "Shut up," ordered the officer. "Now beat it. I never want to see any of 
you again."
     Nuke just smiled, and turned around and started driving. They could see
the cruisers carrying Airball away behind them.
     "Are you crazy?!" Went Skippy, "we can't just leave him!"
     "Trust me, he would have wanted it that way. Besides, look at the wanted
poster."
     Skippy scanned it, and said "I don't get it."
     "Read the small print under the picture."
     Skippy squinted, and said "photo:Arnold Miller."
     "I figured as much." Added Digits. "That was why I went along with him.
You could have got us arrested too!"
     "Oh... Well, what do we do now?"
     "At least we still have the orb." Answered Nuke.
     "But," noted Digits, "we're missing a key..."
     "Crap."

     PART II: The Losers are Restless

     The three un-arrested Losers took the nearest exit ramp and just 
started driving around.  This was one of Nuke's favorite ways of clearing
his brain of all negative energy, and right now he was filled with the stuff.
There was a lot of silence for the first half hour until finally Skippy spoke.
     "Uhhh....  Nuke?  Do you know where you're going?"
     "No."  Nuke answered.
     "Uhhhh....  do you know where we are?"  Digits asked.
     "No."  Nuke answered.
     "Do you know we're almost out of gas?"  Skippy asked.
     "No."  Nuke answered.  Nuke suddenly slowed down and said "DARN!"
     "What's wrong?"  asked Digits.
        "We're out of gas."  replied Nuke.
     Digits and Skippy just shook their heads and said nothing.  Nuke 
started looking for a gas station, but they were in the back roads of 
Whoknowswhere, and there wasn't much there.  Finally, about 2 miles down 
the road, they saw an eery little building.  It said "GAS STATION" in small
block letters on the front, and had a single spooky light shining down over 
the entire complex.  It gave the three Losers the creeps.
     Nuke pulled in and drove over the ding-ding thingy, but no one was
there.  He put the car in park, and got out.
     "Hello?"  shouted Nuke, hoping there was someone inside who would
hear.  No one answered.
     "Maybe it's a self-serve type place.  Maybe you could just use your
credit card and we could get gas and get out of here."  Digits said nervously.
     Suddenly there were headlights coming down the road.  Skippy and Digits
got out of the car and looked right into the headlights, looking not unlike
deer when the same thing happens to them.  Nuke was still examining the gas
pump to figure out how to operate it without a credit card and without 
having to break it.
     The other car pulled in, and five guys in designer clothes stepped
out. They immediately started walking toward the Losers.
     "Uh oh"  Skippy muttered under his breath, "this could be trouble."
     "What was that, PUNK?"  One of the designer boys shouted.
        "You LOSERS look like you're lost.  We don't like LOSERS getting lost
in our town.  Besides, you're rich enough to own a nice car. We don't like
it when LOSERS have cars nicer then ours,"  The biggest one said.
     "Well, if we could get some gas, we could take our nice car out of
your town"  Digits said.
     "SHUT UP, LOSER!"  The big guy said. "Boys, make it so their car isn't
nicer than our car."  
     With that, the other four grabbed baseball bats and started to pound
on the BMW.  The three Losers just stood there, not wanting to get pummelled
should they get in the way.   
     About five minutes later, the BMW looked not unlike Skippy's room.
It was a complete mess.  The five designer boys jumped back into their Ford
Escort and drove off, laughing.  Again, there was silence.
     Nuke spoke first.  "It's been a bad day, hasn't it."
     "Yeah."  replied Skippy.
     Nuke started to walk off.
     "Hey, where are you going?"  Digits asked
        "Home. It's a long walk, and we might as well get started."  Nuke 
answered, still walking.
        "You know," said Skippy, "I think McDonalds isn't too far from here,
we could be there in about 3 hours."
     "Just in time for me to starve to death"  complained Digits.

MEANWHILE, back at a police jail cell in downtown Winneria.....

     Spaz just sat there, frustrated as hell.  He too was having a bad day.

From:   ALBANY::MB3134    "Satan's Lil' Helper." 22-APR-1996 17:32:17.79

     Nuke stopped and paused, and took a deep breath. "This can't get any
worse. This can't get any worse....." he muttered to himself repeatedly to try
and relax. He could hear Skippy running up behind him, saying
     "It's gonna be dark soon."
     "Well, get Geekenstein over there and let's get going. Are you sure you 
saw a McDonald's down there? I wasn't paying attention."
     "Yeah, I'm sure. Hey Digits??!! What ARE you doing?"
     "Trying to find a phone. I don't even see any wires anywhere, though. It
doesn't even look like there's electricity! That light must be coming from a
generator or something."
     "Captain, where the HECK did you take us??!"
     "I dunno. You were the one paying attention."
     Skippy just made his patented grinning Skippy face, and Nuke let out a
partial grin for a fraction of a second... but not long enough for anyone else
to notice. Just then, Digits ran over to the others.
     "Where we going?" He asked, almost too happily.
     Nuke just started walking. "McDonald's" answered Skippy, as he and Digits
started following.
     "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Asked Digits. "I mean, McDonald's?
That's a Winner Mecca."
     "It was the only building we past for the last several miles. I guess we
have no choice."

    MEANWHILE, In the Winneria city jail............
    Spaz sat in his cell, dangerously still. He was usually more active when he
was asleep, than how still he was in that cell. "This sucks." He said loud
enough for the other slackjawed trogledytes in the cell to hear.
    "What you in for?" Asked a profusely muscular bald man, who just happened to
be lumbering toward Airball.
    "I dunno." He replied. "This thing called JuTH is going to take over the
Universe and it somehow got me in here."
    "Yeah, I know what you mean. I was just minding my own business, when my
dog comes up to me and tells me to burn down my neighbor's house. So's I said,
'why you want me ta do that?' An he says 'cuz their cat keeps takin' a crap in
our yard.' So's I was like, 'why don't you do it?' And he said 'cuz I'm a dog.'
So that made sense so I got me some gasoline and matches and I torched it. Then
someone saw me and called the cops and they arrested me. Go figger. Dog is
still home scot free. I think I got the cat, though."
    "Well......" replied Airball while slowly nodding. "I hate it when that
happens."
    Just then, a guard approached the bars. "You!" He called out, "with the
funny shorts. You get to make your one phone call."
    The guard unlocked the gate, and Spaz followed him to the phone. He
couldn't remember the number of the BMW carphone, and he really didn't want
anyone else to know about his predicament. So, he decided to take a long shot.
He grabbed the phone book, and looked up the number for the Winneria times. He
dialed the number, and the receptionist answered.
    "Winneria times. May I help you?"
    "Yeah. I wanna talk to Arnold Miller."
    "He's busy right now. Can I take a message?"
    "I wanna talk to Arnold Miller NOW."
    "Well, he's busy NOW. But if you leave I message, I'll be sure he gets it."
    "Fine. Tell him that a Loser called." Was the last thing Airball said, as
he slammed the phone back onto the receiver. The guard was staring him.
    "How do you know Arnold Miller?" He asked.
    "We went to go see him this morning, and we roughed him up a bit..."
    "Yeah, I remember you! I was there! That Miller is such a tool. If I could,
I would beat that guy like a rented mule."
    Replied Airball, "Really?"
    "Yeah. I work security for a bunch of places. Here, the Times, the Auto
Park, you know. I hate everyone."
    "Really?"
    "Yeah."
    "What's your name?"
    "Mark. Why?"
    "How would you like to whip Arnold Miller and get away scot free?"

    MEANWHILE, In the office of the Winneria times.....
    Arnold and Agnes lie together in their skivvies upon the desk of Mr.
Parker. 
    "You are just... SO amazing!" Panted Arnold. "The way you can manipulate
everyone like that. Will you teach me some day?"
    "Perhaps..... Parker! Get in here!"
    Just then, the boss ran in, as if his life depended on it.
    "Get us some coffee! NOW!" Beckoned Agnes, as Mr. Parker nodded and ran
    out as hastily as he ran in.
    "You are amazing." Said Arnold again. "I mean, the way you talked them
into giving me that 10,000% raise, and the way you got the cops to believe
that damn loser was a murderer. Good thing I got that picture as they left
this morning, huh?"
    "Shut up."
    Just then, Mr. Parker bolted into the room with 2 cups of coffee. 
    "No. Just leave them here. Then, go stand in the hallway and try and look 
like a Winner."
    "Yes, Ma'am!" Yelled the once-boss with a huge smile. Then, he turned and
ran out. "Now, where were we?" Said Agnes, putting her hand into Arnold's
crotch.

    MEANWHILE, Out in the middle of Whoknowswhere.....
    "Are you SURE there was a McDonald's? My feet are killing me!!" Whined
Digits. Nuke just ignored him.... his mind obviously elsewhere. 
    "It can't be much farther now. We've been walking for almost an hour."
Just as Skippy said that, the golden arches became visible over the horizon. 
    "YES!" Shouted Digits and Skippy together, and almost immediately after,
Nuke turned and ordered them to "Shut up."
    The other Losers just looked at him, dumbfoundedly.
    "Look. We can't go in there. The place is going to be crawling with
Winners. Here's the plan. Skippy, you have your toolkit, right?"
    "Of course."
    "You two are going to pick the lock and hotwire a car, while I go inside
and create a distraction."
    Replied Skippy, "Are you CRAZY? I mean....."
    "Shut up." ordered Nuke again. "I have a plan. Just do as I said."
    Skippy and Digits just looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

    Walking down the hill, they could spot a familiar looking Ford Escort. 
    "Get the Escort." Said Dan.
    "What?! But that's....." Dan just turned and stared at the others, and
they shut up and nodded right away. The three stopped just off the side of
McDonald's, right out of the view of the windows. The sun was just starting
to go down, and the sky was a very neat shade of red. Nuke said to Skippy, 
     "Give me your shirt." Skippy opened his mouth, about to ask why, and
then just stopped and complied. He took off his tie, and gave Nuke the white
and blue-striped dress shirt. He had on a "Golfers do it in the grass"
T-Shirt underneath it. He then put the tie back on over it. Nuke put the
shirt over his black turtle neck, and left it open. He then pushed his hair
back, to try and make himself look as "cool" as possible. When he was done,
he looked at the others.
     "How do I look?"
    "Stupid."
    "Great. On three...... One..... two....... five." Nuke got up and
headed for the door.
    "Three," went Digits, as he and Skippy scurried across the parking lot
toward the Ford Escort.
 
    Captain Meltdown put on the coolest Winner face he could muster, and went
up to the counter. A fat, greasy-haired kid stood in front of him. Dan pulled
out the coolest voice he could.
    "Yeah, buttchips. Gimme 15 Big Macs and 20 Large Fries. For HERE."
    "Uhhh.... Do you want fries with that?"
    "Yeah, gimme fries."
    "Okay, that $33.26"
    Nuke flashed him 2 twenties. The greasy kid went to reach for it, and Nuke
pulled it away.
    "Uh uh... food first." 
    "Uhhh.... Okay, sir."
    Nuke stood there, and could see the Winners from the gas station all
sitting together at the table in the far corner. The place was crawling with
designer coolness. The Captain just completely avoided eye-contact. He could
also see Skippy and Digits fidgeting with the Winners' car out in the parking
lot. Just then, the fat kid returned with a tray piled with food. 
    "Here ya go." In the corner of his eye, he could see the Losers already in
the car, working on the ignition. Just as he was about to hand the greasy kid
his money, he could hear someone yell, "Hey! Those Losers are trying to steal
your car!!!!!"
    "Damn." Said Nuke, Throwing the tray full force into the face of the fat
kid, sending him careening backwards, dipping his right hand straight into the
edeep fat fryer. The scream echoed through the restaurant,causing everyone to
jump up. Nuke put his money back into his pocket, and said quietly to himself,
    "Well, it looks like it's time for plan B......"

From:IN%"WHEELED@ithaca.edu"  "SLIDER" 25-APR-1996 15:24:04.49

Nuke pulled the dress shirt off as fast as he could, throwing it toward
the fat kid.  The shirt landed right in the fryer, spraying everyone 
within two feet. 
     "OW!"
     "DAMMIT"
     "THAT'S HOT!"
     Nuke started to calmly walk out when he heard the manager yell.
     "Hey, you're a piece of shit Loser!  Get back here.  Someone
get him!"
     Nuke looked out of the corner of his eye and in the reflection of
the door glass saw the manager running full speed toward him.  He saw the 
gas station winners running at him from another direction, also at full 
speed.  He kept his non-chalance until the last moment.  He stopped and 
spun around to his right.  The manager, thinking that Captain Meltdown
wasn't paying any attention, was caught by surprise.  Nuke finished his 
spin and brought his left foot into the managers butt, knocking him off 
balance and sending him to the floor.  The gas station boys were almost 
ready to jump Nuke, but they were now tripping over the fallen manager.
     Nuke took a quick look around, and spotted some half-filled soda cups
and a messy tray on a nearby table.  He grabbed the tray, and flung it at the
spralled mass of winners on the floor.  He turned and ran out the door,
just narrowly missing getting tackled by an employee.  He stepped out the
outer door to find a Ford Escort waiting for him.  Nuke took a headlong
dive into the open front passenger door, and the vehicle sped off.  Skippy
and Digits just sat there silent.  Nuke sat up, buckled his seatbelt and
let out a huge smile.  Digits and Skippy just laughed as the car sped 
down the road to Winneria.

MEANWHILE, IN THE WINNERIA CITY JAIL.........

     "I'd like to beat that piece of garbage like a dead horse." Mark
said, punching his right hand with his left.
     "Can you let me out of this cell?  I promise I won't tell on you,
get you in trouble, and I'll let you pummell that Miller jerk as soon as
it's convenient for me."  Spaz said.
     "Yeah, sure."  said Mark.
     "You sure you won't get in trouble?"  asked Airball.
     "I take joyrides in the Autopark's cars.  I print out special copies
of the sports section at the Times.  I could care less if I get in trouble."
Mark answered, unlocking Spaz's handcuffs.  Spaz just kinda stared at Mark
for a few seconds.
        "I promise, I'll let you pound Miller," said Spaz.
        "Here, there's a back door that no one knows about. You can leave
there so the cops don't spot you."  Mark said.
        "You are so cool. You know....  you look not unlike a slug.  I
think I'll call you Zippy."  Spaz said.
        "Shut up. I let you loose, and I can throw you right back in
there." Mark said.
        "Sorry," said Spaz, as he slipped out the back door.

MEANWHILE, in a stolen Ford Escort, somewhere in Winneria..........
     
        "Uhh, Nuke, maybe we can get there today?"  Skippy said, surprised
to go that slow in a car with the Captain.
     "Sorry. I have this thing floored. You would think a bunch of
Winners like that would at least have the decency to have a car that goes
over 45."
     "Probably inherited from their rich parents who bought themselves a
new car."
     "Either that, or they spent all their money on clothes."
        "Anyway, we have to get to Airball's house as soon as possible, to
find a way to get him loose."
        "No we don't," said Digits. "We just have to find a way so all four
of us can touch the orb at the same time."
     Nuke and Skippy, the lights in their brains now turned on, smiled.

From:ALBANY::MB3134       "Satan's Lil' Helper."  1-MAY-1996 16:22:50.55

    Skippy pulled the orb out of the pocket of his slacks, and it's cool,
green glow filled the car, creating a warm, fuzzy feeling around the Losers.

    Asked Skippy, "Why do you want to go to Spaz's house, anyway? Shouldn't
we be going to the jail?"
    "No. I know what I'm doing. We can't go the jail, it's run by Winners.
If we show up there, they'll arrest us too."
    "Oh yeah... Those darn Winners are everywhere. I hate them."
    "Skippy! Such language!"
    "I'm sorry. They're just not nice"
    After an uneventful ride back to Spaz's house, Nuke got out and headed 
across the street back into the woods toward the wreckage of the 
transdimensional vessel. Skippy and DIgits followed right along.
    "Uhhh... Captain? We searched that thing inside and out. Where are you 
trying to do with....."
    Replied Nuke, "Remember what that girl told us? We have to just follow
our instinct. As soon as you mentioned the orb before, something just told
me that we had to come back here. I don't know why yet, but I just have, 
you know... a feeling."
    "Uh oh..."
    The Losers once again rummaged through the extraordinary wreckage. The 
main shell was still impenetrable, as the rest of the scattered parts still
looked like a bunch of random junk. They continued to comb through for 
about 15 more minutes, but could find nothing useful. Skippy and Digits 
basically were about to decide to give up on the endeavor.
Nuke, however, was still intent on looking....
     "What's wrong with you two? I'm telling you, there is something here
that we need. I just know it." 
     Replied Digits, "Yeah, but where? The only thing we haven't scrounged
through yet is what's ever inside that metal core. But there's no way into 
that. It must be made from some sort of material that is stronger than any
thing on this planet."
      Which prompted Skippy, "Yeah, but what about other planets?"
      "Huh? I don't.... Ohhhhh....."
      Skippy took out the orb, and started to knock on the metal shell with it.
Nothing seemed to be happening, so he stopped.
      "Hang on...." Went Nuke. "Keep on doing that. Really, I just have this
hunch. Tap out "Shave and a Haircut.""
      "What? Why...."
      Nuke just kept staring at him.
      "Okely Dokely...." Skippy tapped out the 7 uniquely spaced taps, and
the ground began to vibrate slowly. The Losers just looked at each other,
somewhat shockedly. Then, the metallic shell opened up, causing a whole 
bunch of thick, green steam to emerge, completely obstructing all their 
visions.
      "Uhhhh..... Captain?" Called out Digits nervously. "Where are you?"
      "Right here. wave your arms or something to clear away this steam!"
      After waving for a minute, the steam was all cleared away. Before them
was the now opened metallic core, and inside it, they could clearly see a 
medium-sized green button, that was apparently attatched to nothing. 
      "Cool!" Exclaimed Skippy.
retorted Digits, "But, it's not connected to anything! It can't do anything!
Smegma we did all this for nothing....."
      As Digits was ranting, Nuke reached down and pushed the button. He 
stood up and looked at Digits, who was still talking.
      "Oh good. Just press the useless button! This is a mess! The world is
going to be taken over by Winners...." 
      Just then, a voice entered Digits' mind, that said "Shut UP!"
      Digits just remained silent, and his jaw fell open.
      "What?! What happened??!" Asked Skippy.....

      MEANWHILE, Out behind the Winneria police station.....
      Spaz snuck back out into the street, and began to walk nervously.
      "Look inconspicuous, Airball, look inconspicuous...." He muttered to
himself, as he unbuttoned his bright orange and lime green Hawaiian shirt,
letting it fall over his yellow with pink polka-dotted half-length shorts,
also revealing his 'Re-elect Gerald Ford '78' T-shirt. "I'm hungry," he thought
to himself, as he non-chalantly strolled the sidewalk toward Taco Bell.
      An unexciting walk later, Spaz entered the restaurant, and went to the
counter. 
      "May I he.... Oh crap it's YOU!" 
      "Yes, yes it is. Get me 2 7-Layer Burritos, extra guacamole please."
      "Uhhh.... Yeah, sure. Okay..... That'll be, uhhh.... $2.32....."
      "Here."
      The kid took the money and gave Spaz his change, then quickly scuttled
back into the kitchen.....

      MEANWHILE, behind the counter.......
      "Jared! That Loser guy.... He's HERE! And he just ordered 2 burritos!"
      "What? Yes! That's awesome!"
      "Should we call Arnold?"
      "No way, Randy! This guy's ours! Hey butthead!!" 
      The manager jumped out of the rear dumpster, and ran toward Jared and
Randy.
      "Yes, Sirs? What may I do for you?"
      "Where do you keep the rat poison in this place?"
      "It's in third cabinet from the left, Sirs."
      "Good. Now get back in that dumpster. I want the inside walls to be
shiny in there!"
      "Yes, Sirs!"
      "And after today, you're fired. Don't bother coming in tomorrow."
      "Yes, Sirs! Thank you, Sirs!!"
      As the manager ran back for the dumpster, Jared and Randy just looked
at each other smiling. "Hail Arnold Miller!" Said Randy, giving Jared a high
five.
    
       MEANWHILE, Airball was still sitting standing at the counter. "Cheese,
the service at this dump is slow," he thought to himself. In the meantime,
he took the cup he always carries in his backpack out and proceeded to swipe
some free soda.
       After a couple more minutes, the clerk returned with Spaz's order. 
He appeared to be grinning a lot more widely than before.
       "Here you go! Enjoy them!"
       "Uhhh.... thanks." replied Airball, grabbing his food.
       Spaz sat down at a table, and unwrapped his food. He opened up the 
burritos as usual, to make sure that they were the right ones. They were,
so he rolled them up, and picked one up. He could see the 2 clerks watching
him like hawks.
       Spaz put down the burrito, and got up and walked toward the counter.
He could see the clerks' expressons change, as they suddenly looked nervous.
When he got there, he said,
       "Do you have any hot sauce?"
       The clerks basically sighed, and gave Spaz about 20 packages of hot
sauce.
       "Thanks, but 4 is enough."
       Spaz sat back down, put the sauce on his food, and picked one up again.
He could see the 2 kids staring again. So, again, he stopped and went to the
counter. He could see them getting nervous again.
       "Napkins. I forgot napkins." 
       The clerks sighed again, and gave him an entire dispenser.
       Airball sat down once again, and picked up his food. He could see them
still staring. So, again he got up.
       "Are you two trying to poison me?"
       "Who, US? Nooo.... No no no.......... Yes, yes we are......."
       "Oh." 
       Just then, Jared grabbed a frying pan, and creamed Spaz across the
head with it. There was a rather loud "clang!" 
      Airball hit the ground, and said "Ow."
      As he was blacking out, he could see the 2 Winners looking over him. Just
then, he heard a voice in his head call out, "Spaz! Spaz where are you?"
      "Taco Bell." Spaz uttered, right before passing out.

           PART III: Yesterday Was Tomorrow

MEANWHILE, back at the crash site...
       "He's at Taco Bell." Stated Nuke, assurredly.
       "Huh? How do you..."
       "He just told me."
       "Uhhhh....."
       "No time to explain now..... we need to get downtown fast."
       The Losers piled back into the rusty white Escort, and Nuke floored it
up the road. The wheels turned, and the car screamed up to a blazing 40 mph,
and all in just 98 seconds.
       "I'm still surprised that any Winners would be seen in a car like this," 
Noted Digits. "I mean, no tinted windows or anything."
       "Maybe the kid's parents forced him to buy the car with his own money
       or something," Replied Nuke. "Probably hot rodded it himself, too."
       Just then, a kid with a U.S. Soccer team shirt and long hair passed
       them on a street bike. Digits and Skippy looked a Nuke.
       "It's floored! Look for yourselves!"
       The Losers sank back into their seats. The Captain just kept his eyes
       on the road. "Spaz? Are you still there?" He thought to himself.
       "Damn." He checked to make sure the car was really in drive, and
       pushed the petal harder against the floor. 

  Back at Taco Bell, Jared and Randy had Spaz tied up in the kitchen. 
      "What should we do with him?" Asked Randy.
      "Let's blowtorch a jar with a rat in it to his head, so the only way
the rat can get out is to eat it's way through his face."
      After a moment of silence, Randy said "Nahhh.... I don't know how to
use a blowtorch." Again... a pause...
      "Oh yeah."
      "I know! Let's cut off his ears and make burritos with them, then
make him eat them!"
      Again, silence.
      "Nahhh..." replied Jared, "we don't know how to make burritos, either."
      "Oh yeah."
      More silence.
      "Well, what else can we do?"
      "Maybe we should just call Arnold. He'll know what to do. He's smart."
      "Yeah, he is. Like Alvin Frankenstein."
      "No, you idiot. It's Alfred! Wait... or is it Frank Eisenstein?"
      "No, he's that guy with the cape that drinks blood."
      "Oh yeah. What was Arnold's number again?" 
     
  Meanwhile, at the offices of the Winneria Times.....
      The phone rang. A smelly guy with a brown bomber jacket and a ponytail
answered.
      "Hhhhhhhhello?"
      "Yeah, Mr. Miller, sir? We, uhhh, caught one of those loser guys for
you."
      "Really? Hey, great work guys! So, what did you do with him?"
      "Uhhhh.... that's why we're calling you, sir. We've, uhhhh, got him
tied up here now."
      "Oh, okay. I'll come down there and, uh, see what we can do...."
      "Suddenly, as if from out of nowhere, a hand flung out grabbing the
phone away from Arnold."
      "NO!" Beckoned an almost Satanic sounding voice, from the not so
awe-striking figure suddenly standing beside Arnold, who went by the name
of Agnes. Arnold just jumped, completely startled, as it looked as if her
eyes were glowing an utterly inhuman shade of neon green for just a brief
moment. Once again, a faint inkling of the stench of urine began to make
it's way into the office.
      "A...Agnes, darling.... You scared me! Randy and Jared, uhh... have..."
      "I know. Tell them to handle it themselves."
      "Yeah, they would, but, they're kinda stupid. I'll just...."
      "NO! You will stay here. I know what is happening. I know what
WILL happen. It is all perfectly according to plan."
      "Uhhh.... Okay." Arnold then went back to the phone.
      "Randy, just take care of it yourself. I'm sure you'll think of
something."
      "Uhhhhhh......." Click.
      Right after Arnold hung up the phone, Agnes put her hand firmly into
his crotch. His eyes lit up like white marbles and his jaw dropped slightly.
      "Pleasure me one last time, you virile hunk of a man, you."
      The two then just dropped straight to the floor.

   Meanwhile, somewhere on the road, Nuke was screaming loudly at the car
as it labored to get up a medium grade hill.

   Back at Taco Bell....
     "Well, any other ideas?"
     After about 10 seconds of silence, "Nope."
     10 more seconds passed. "How about you?"
     This time, it took 15 seconds of deep, involved thought to provoke
the resopnse, "Nope."
     Shortly after, the former Taco Bell manager stumbled back into the
restaurant from the back door. "The dumpster is spotless! It smells like a
pine forest back there!"
     "Hey! I thought we fired you already! Get the...."
     "WAIT!" Interjected Randy... "I have an idea!!"
     "Really?"
     "No, wait..."
     "Oh"
     "No! Really!"
     "Really?"
     "No....."
     "Oh...."
     "WAIT! Really!"
     "Really?"
     "Yeah!"
     "What?"
     "What what?"
     "What's the idea?"
     "Oh! We can put the Loser with the manager!"
     "Huh?"
     "You know, make'em fight each other out back. To the death!"
     Just then, that familiar music from that infamous episode of Star
Trek came on over the radio system. It was part of an ad for a local used
car dealership.
     "Wake that Loser up! Then go and get some plasticware...."
    
  Meanwhile, the Escort valiantly made it to the top of the hill. The road
into to town was all downhill from there.
     "Yyyyes!" exclaimed Nuke, victoriously, as he shifted the car into
neutral. "We can go faster this way," he explained to Skippy while looking
to his right.

  Back at Taco Bell...
     Jared threw a cup of soda into Airball's face. He slowly started
to twitch, then stuck out his tongue.
     "Mmmm... Dr. Pepper." 
     "Come on, you Loser!"
     "Huh? What, with you? Eeewww..."
     Jared grabbed Airball and started dragging him out back. Randy did
the same with the manager. The back lot was a rather small, fenced in area
with a dirt ground, but even the dirt was surprisingly clean, and the air
realy did smell like pine. Jared pulled out a switchblade with which to cut
Airball's ropes, and he then armed him with a plastic knife, and shoved him
to the ground in the middle of the lot. The manager, now armed to the teeth
holding the deadliest of all sporks, also stumbled toward Airball's spot.
     "Allright!" Yelled Randy, "Now fight!"
     "And don't try anything funny!" Added Jared, making his switchblade
clearly visible.
     "Uhhh....." began the Manager, looking at his weapon, "what do I do,
scoop him to death?"
     Airball began sawing at his own neck with the knife, causing it to
turn only slightly red.
     "FIGHT!!" Yelled Randy, now looking almost angry.
     The Manager looked at Airball, shrugged his shoulders, and then
started waving his spork in front of him, like it were some kind of sword.
Airball then, just for the heck of it, started doing the same, clanking
utensils as if it were a fencing match.
     "Yes! Kill!" Yelled Randy, with wide eyes. Jared just squinted and
turned up his nose as if he was mildly disgusted.
     Airball and the Manager started trying some parries and spin moves,
just to make things more interesting. They added some neat footwork and
started shouting out cliches like "touche!" and "en garde!" while trying
hard not to start laughing. Randy sat watching grinning maniacally, but
Jared had finally seen enough...
     "What the Hell is this??!! Where's the blood??!!"
     Airball and the Manager just stopped in their tracks and started
staring almost worriedly at the two Winners. Randy stared right at Jared.
     "It's coming, man! This is the fun part, first!"
     "Fun part? That guy has a SPORK! What the Hell do you expect him to
do with a spork?"
     "Whaddya mean?! You can gouge out an eye with that thing!"
     "Oh yeah.......... That's true.......... But how much more fun do
you wanna have?"
     "Another minute or so, at least. My attention span can't take more
than the length of a TV commercial at a time."
     "Okay. One more minute, then I knife 'em both."
     "Deal!"
     Airball's head felt like it just sunk into his chest. He and the
manager just stood there staring at the Winners.
      "Go on! FIGHT!!" Yelled Randy. "What are you waiting for, Christmas?"
     "Hey!" Replied Jared, "You stole that from Duke Nukem!"
     "I did?"
     "I think so."
     The pugilists in the lot reluctantly pretended to fight while the
Winners argued. While they were engaged, Spaz saw a chance...
     "Hey!" whispered Airball to the manager while fighting. "On the
count of three, I'll jump the putz with the knife, and you get the zitso."
     "Huh? But they're my bosses! I can't..."
     "Look man!! They're going to KILL you! They have you brainwashed,
like they're going to do to the entire UNIVERSE if we don't...."
     "HEY! I heard that!" Yelled Jared, as he jumped toward the plastic-
clad combatants. Airball jumped quickly to the ground, as Jared jumped
quickly knife-first toward the former manager's chest. As he screamed in
pain, he managed to mutter "thank you, sir..." and then he slumped over
head first into the still relatively clean dirt. In the while, Jared managed
to keep his hand firmly on the handle of the knife, withdrawing it as his
victim fell. Airball then attempted to make a flee for the door back into
the restaurant, however, he was intercepted by the tall yet lanky Randy, who
grabbed him and held him in place.
     "I'm gonna cut you slowly." Bellowed Jared, strutting stealthily
toward the restrained Loser weilding the bloody switchblade.
     Airball just shut his eyes tight, as his struggles were no match for
Randy's long arms, especially considering he was still feeling quite
disoriented from the initial blow to the head. Now in the darkness, Airball
could hear a third voice, crystal clear within his head.
     "Spaz! Where are you??!"
     "The back lot..........  Why?" He thought to himself, just as a huge
crash boomed through the air. Airball opened his eyes to see the door on the
ground, and Jared standing directly in front of him. Jared was staring at the 3
other Losers while holding the knife about an inch from chest. Suddenly he
felt himself being thrown aside, as Randy jumped into combat position.
     "HA!" Screamed Jared. "Four for the price of one!! And they're
unarmed, too!!"
     Just then, Skippy pulled the orb out his pocket.
     
     About two minutes later, the fence was strewn with blood. The dirt
was blood red, and the yard was littered with body parts. Nuke and Airball
were kicking Jared's head around the ground, when Nuke punted it up, and
dropped a great shot right into the dumpster.
        "Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaal!!!!!!!!!!"
     Yelled, Airball.
     "You guys are sick." Stated Skippy, causing the others to stare at
him. After about 2 seconds, Skippy added "That's why I like you."
     After a 4-way high five, Digits added, "Ummm... I think we should
get outta here. It's starting to stink."
     After a group nod, they touched the orb, cleaning up the blood and
body parts. "To the Times!!" Ordered Airball, with a hand in the air while
marching back into the restaurant.

     The Losers marched outside to the Ford Escort. "No way," Proclaimed
Nuke. "Skippy! Orb!"
        Skippy pulled it out, and added "what are we getting?" To which
repilied Nuke, "Something as fast as this thing is slow."
     "I got it." Went Spaz, almost immediately, and the Escort was
suddenly transformed into a flat black 1970 Chevelle 454 SS with a full
scoop and 17 inch tires.
     "I had to get a 4 seater, right?"
      about 10 seconds later, the air smelled like burnt rubber and noise
was still echoing through the sky. About 2 minutes later, they reached the
Times office.
 
     The Losers marched back into the lobby, just like they had done
early that morning. The sun was just about down now, at about 8:30pm in this
relatively cool summer Saturday. At this point in time, the day seemed like
about a month to them. Once again, the lady at the desk was there, all set
to yell at them.
     "YOU! Get out or I'm calling security!! You're the reason it smelled
so bad in here all morning!"
     "Uhh..." Started Digits "Don't you have a home? I mean, you've been
here at least 12 hours now."
     "That's none of your business!! You... you... LOSERS!"
     The Losers all looked at each other for about a second, then all at
exactly the same time looked at the receptionist and said "thank you!" They
were all smiling.
     The lady seemed considerably more horrified at this point, as her
hand was shaking while she was reaching for the intercom button. Right upon
the pushing of the button, was the shrill shreik of the word "SECURITY!!"
     The Losers quickly turned to Skippy, who already had the orb in his
hand. But Airball gently grabbed his arm. With a typically maniacal grin, he
assured calmly by nodding his head that they wouldn't be needing it.
     A Gold Shield officer trudged out of the guard room, looking somewhat
displeased.
     "This better be good! I was in the middle of a good game of NHL 95
when you made me pause it. I HATE pausing games!"
        "Mark!"
     "How are ya?"
     "It's time." Stated Airball, with a somewhat imbalanced grin.
     Mark put on an unstable grin of his own. He then walked over to the
elevator and pushed the up button.
     "Hey!" Screeched the desk lady. "HEY!! Where are you going!!??"
     "SHUT UP!!!! JUST SHUT UP AND GO HOME!!! NOW!!!" 
     Mark didn't look insane anymore, he looked more like he was about to
kill someone. The receptionist grabbed her purse, and just took off out the
back door behind the desk. Just then, the elevator door opened.
     "I like this guy." Commented Captain Meltdown.
     Replied Spaz, "Uh huh. Definite Loser potential."
     "Hey... HEY... I'm no Loser.... But by GOD I am no WINNER. I hate
this town. I just want to do whatever I can get away with to wreck it. You're
sure we won't get caught?"
     "Positive."
        Skippy leaned over to Spaz, and whispered in his ear. "He's just in
denial."
      Just then, Nuke's eyes popped open really wide. "WAIT!! I just
remembered!!! It's what I thought of this morning and kept thinking of all
day! I have to tell you this now!! See....."
        Like clockwork, the elevator doors opened and an extremely high
pitched shriek, not unlike a chipmunk who just sucked in helium, interrupted
the Captain. The Losers and Mark stopped to see Arnold Miller standing there
butt-naked staring at them, with his hands in the air, shrieking like the
aforementioned chipmink.
     "Oh, this will be fun!" Proclaimed Mark, charging the screaming
Winner with his nightstick waving high above his head. The shrieking stopped
abruptly upon the sound of a distinct 'thud', that somewhat resembled the
sound a rotten tomato would make upon impact after being thrown at a wall.
The thud was then followed only by a rhythmically spaced sequence of about 9
more similar thuds. The nightstick waving through the air looked basically
like a big black blur. The last few thuds sounded a little bit more 'juicy'
than the first few.
     A few seconds after the flogging, Mark stood up and faced the Losers.
     His grin was stretched from ear to ear.
     "Hey," began Nuke, "Can we call you Zippy?"
     "NO!! Don't call me Zippy!!"
     "Hey, that's funny! In jail, I thought he looked like a Zippy..."
        "STOP! Just STOP! You're lucky I'm in a good mood!!"
     "That was fun, huh?"
     "Oh yeah!"
     "Allright... You had better run out the back, before any cops
show up."
     "Right. See you Losers around..." Mark just turned and ran into the
back stairwell, slamming the door behind him.
     A few seconds after he left, Digits stated "I kinda liked him."
     "Me too." Added Skippy. Asked Airball, "Hey Captain, what were you
gonna say before?"
     "I.... FARG!!! This is really becoming annoying!!"
     The Losers walked over to inspect the bloody pulp that was once
Arnold's head. "Disgusting." Went Skippy.
        "I know..." replied Spaz. "What a rancid heap. Look! I think that's
piece of brain over there!"
     While three Losers were looking for more grey matter, Digits stood
still and looked around. All the lights were on, and all the desks looked
like they were inhabited by someone, but there was no one else around.
"Something's wrong here. VERY wrong."
     "What? Arnold's dead." Replied Skippy. "I guess that means JuTH
lost."
     "No..." stated Nuke sullenly. "It was too easy. There must be more
to do."
     "Not only that," added Digits, "but shouldn't there be like, people
here? I mean, who's making tomorrow's paper?"
     "Unless..." Replied Spaz after a short pause, "There's not gonna be
a tomorrow."
     The Losers stopped and looked at each other, dead silent. In the
background, they could hear the faint sound of the muffled scream of a
woman. They immediately leapt into action. The quartet followed the sound
around the office to a closed door in the corner. Skippy held the orb out
in his left hand, just in case, as the Losers huddled around Nuke as he put
a hand on the knob.
     "On three...." went Spaz.
     "One...... Two.." Just then, Nuke turned the handle and flung the
door open. A brutal stench blasted them like nothing they've ever smelled
before. Airball hunched over as if he was about to wretch.
     Inside the door was a fairly large closet, in which was a pile of
about 15 brutally beaten corpses, and various body parts. The walls were
coated in blood. In the middle of the pile of carnage, was a youngish girl
with her hands and feet hog-tied, and with a piece of duct tape over her
mouth. She was drenced in blood and smelled like pure Hell, but she
definitely wasn't dead. Nuke and Skippy dragged her out of the closet, and
closed the door. Digits ran around opening up all the windows.
     "Are you okay?!" Asked Skippy.
     "Mmmmm....mmmmm..Hmmm...mmmm"
     "Uhh... The tape..."
     "Oh yeah!" Skippy ripped the tape off quickly, while Nuke started
to cut the tape around her wrists and ankles with his pocket knife.
     "Who did this to you?" Asked Skippy.
     "It was Miller! He went crazy! I can't believe I'm not dead!"
     Just then, Airball got his breath back, and joined the conversation.
     "You okay?"
     "I think so. I don't think this is my blood."
     "Hey..." asked Spaz... "Do I know you?"
     Jutted in Nuke, "This is hardly the time. The lady's been through a
lot."
     "That's okay. My name is Agnes."
     "Huh. Okay. Don't know any Agnesses. For some reason though, I feel
like I know you...."
     Just then, Digits ran back toward the others screaming. "COPS!
They're outside! Hundreds of them! We have to go!"
     Then, before anyone could notice, a green gleam popped into Agnes's
eyes as she copped a sinister smirk. She quickly, perhaps more quickly than
any human ever could, leaped forward toward Skippy, grabbing the orb from
his hand. She then darted across the office, stopping in front of the
opposite wall. She stood facing the Losers.
     "HEY!! What the.... Aaaaack!!!"
     The Losers stood facing Agnes, who was now floating about 4 inches
off the floor. Her long blonde hair was blowing straight up frantically, yet
they could feel no breeze in the office. She floated there, holding the orb
in both hands, with a huge grin way too big for her face. Her eyes were
glowing a diabolical shade of bright neon green.
     "INSIGNIFICANT SPECKS!!!" Bellowed the voice of JuTH. "I SAW THIS
MOMENT THE INSTANT I ARRIVED ON THIS PATHETIC LITTLE PLANE!!! MY
TRIUMPH IS
COMPLETE!! NOW BEHOLD THE UNIVERSE OF JUTH!!!"
     Just then, Agnes vanished in a blinding flash of green light. They
could see nothing after that, just darkness. They could however, hear what
sounded like an army running up a flight of stairs, and a door being kicked
open. They tried to feel their way around, when they heard an extemely loud
"FREEZE!" Followed by the sound of about 30 some odd guns being cocked.
     "Wait!" Yelled Airball... "I can't...." 
     He was interrupted by "IT'S THEM! THE LOSERS!!"
     "FIRE!!!"

     Suddenly everything went really black.


     It was a relatively warm morning in Winneria. The Winners trudged
down the the streets in single file, all wearing their Winner government
issued brown bomber jacket uniforms. A huge statue of the Patron Saint of
Earth, Arnold Miller Christ nailed to a giant wooden letter W, stood tall
upon a huge pedestal in the center of the town square. Everyone that passed
it stopped to kneel before it, and to say a few prayers. It was a Sunday
today in Winneria, the most sacred of days. Winneria, now the capital of
Earth, was now the holiest of all holy cities. It was the Mecca for all the
citizens of the Winner Earth, for Winneria was where the First Congregational
Church of Our Lord Arnold Miller Christ was located.
     The bells echoed throughout the town at 8 am sharp to announce the
beginning of the weekly all-day service. Every Sunday, every Earthling had
to be in church from 8am to 8pm, to worship the sacrifice made by the the
greatest martyr in Earth history, the Lord Arnold Miller Christ. Every
weekday, the people were only required to worship for 2 hours in the mornings
from 7am to 9am, and then every earthling over the age of 5 was required to
work from 9am to 9pm in a factory, producing basically the same materials
world-round. Standard clothes, rations, furnishings, etc. etc. etc. Saturday
was "free day," when the people were permitted to converse freely with one
another in the town square, as long as everyone was discussing the same
subject. Everyone was happy, since evryone was exactly like everyone else,
just the way everyone liked it. Only a handful of people didn't work in
factories - the ministers, and the governors. But no one ever even knew who
the governors were or what they looked like.
     The sermon began in the First Congregational Church of Our Lord
Arnold Miller Christ that morning. The minister began his sermon about how
great everything is, and how we owe it all to Saint Arnold, the Winner who
died at the hands of the most foul, evil, and diabolical creatures to have
ever walked the Earth, those who had dared to call themselves "Losers." For
anyone other than a minister to say the word "Loser" on Winner Earth was
unthinkable, as the mere mention of the word was a sin punishable by instant
death. In fact, the government had set up a global electron grid over the
entire surface of the Earth, so that anyone not specifically registered as
clergy who's mind concocts the brainwaves related to the word "Loser", will
be immediately and automatically electrocuted where he or she stands. No one
ever even dared to go that route.
     The back row of the church was the least popular of the seating
areas, as everyone that went there liked to sit up close to see and hear
the sermon about the Saint and Martyr, about the greatest human being to
ever walk the face of the Earth. There were some people, however, that for
some reason just like to sit in the back, and did so regularly every day at
services. About an hour into this particular sermon, something unimaginable
happened to one of them.
     The Winner leaned over to the Winner next to him, and whispered
something ever so quietly in his ear. "Hey, I just thought of something!"
     "Shhh!" Replied the other.
     "No, really! It's something that I swear I've thought of before, yet
I don't know when!"
     The other Winner just stared straight ahead and listened to the
sermon. The first Winner, seeing this, looked ahead as well.
     The minister went on vehemently, now almost in a rage, about the
pure evil of non-conformity, and how the filth-ridden pus-dripping phlegm-
coated Losers are now rotting away in a boiling hot Hell, where their very
souls are being ripped apart and tortured inducing a pain millions of times
more horrible than any pain imaginable by a flesh bound creature.
     "Really, it's a neat thought." Went the first Winner, leaning over
and whispering in the other's ear again.
     "Okay, fine. What is it?"
     "Ice cream has no bones."
     The second Winner turned as white as a ghost. It was as if something
had just stepped into his brain, and started dancing around in the synapses
while playing the bagpipes. A cold chill ran right up his spine. He then
leaned over to whisper to the first Winner, "meet me after church."

     11 hours later, the exhausted Winners gathered in the street outside
the church, feeling amazingally good about themselves. They had eaten their
standard rations that are passed out for lunch and dinner, and felt
confident in the sanctity and peace offered to them by their divine and
caring God, Arnold. Everyone was feeling great, except for two specific
Winners.
     The two other Winners who just happen to like to sit in the back
gathered with them. People were still flooding out of the immense cathedral.
"Come on," offered Winner Nuke, "we can go to my house and talk."
     Winner Nuke's house looked exactly like everyone else's house, just
as everyone's house does. The four Winners sat in his standard Winner
kitchen, around his standard Winner kitchen table. Winner Skippy then spoke.
     "This is strange, but for some reason, I feel like we've all spoken
before."
     "I know," replied Winner Nuke. "And we all should be going home to
sleep, so we can go to church and work tomorrow, yet for some reason, we're
not."
     "What you said this morning..." hesitated Winner Airball "about the
ice cream... that was just.... I don't know."
     "What did he say?" Asked Winner Digits.
     Winner Airball promted "Go ahead" to Winner Nuke, who then very
quietly and cautiously stated...
     "Ice cream has no bones."
     The Winners at the table were silent for about 2 minutes. Finally,
Winner Skippy let out the word "whoa...."
     A few seconds later, Winner Digits stood up horrified. "Oh my
Arnold!! It's almost 10!! If we're not in our homes past curfew, we'll be
electrocuted!!"
     Winner Skippy and Winner Airball both stood up startledly. "Arnold!!
How could we possibly forget that??! We have only 3 minutes until 10:00!"
     "Quick! Where do you live??!!"
     "We'll never make it!!"
     "WAIT!" Yelled Winner Nuke. "We're all here for some reason. I'm
going outside!"
     "You can't! You'll be zapped too!"
     "No, we're ALL going outside. If we die, we all die."
     The Winners just stopped and stared for a few seconds. Winner
Airball suddenly then nodded, and turned toward the door. Winners Digits,
Skippy, and Nuke then followed close behind.
     Out in the dark front yard, the Winners stood. 
     "How much time do we have left?" Asked Winner Nuke.
     "23 seconds." Replied Winner Airball. "Well, any last words?"
     Replied Winner Nuke, "Too bad we never had time to do anything
together."
     "Yeah..." They all sorta replied together at the same time, while
nodding slowly.
     Winner Nuke put out his hand to shake Winner Airball's, and Winner
Airball grabbed it. Suddenly, their eyes lit up. They stared quickly at
Winners Digits and Skippy, and grabbed their hands with their free hands.
Then, Winners Digits and Skippy grabbed hands. About a second later, Winner
Airball's standard Winner digital watch beeped signalling 10:00pm. Then,
for some unexplained reason, all four Winners happened to say the word
"Loser" all in unison......

     Suddenly, it was really really dark.

     
     The Losers stood all alone, still holding hands, in what seemed to
be the middle of absolutely nothing. They were standing on nothing. There
was nothing above of below them. There was nothing on any side of them.
Just.... NOTHING. All four of them felt like their hearts were in their
throats.
     "A....a....are we dead?" Sputtered Skippy.
     "No...." Answered Airball. "This looks... f...familiar! M...my
brain is suddenly fil...filling with memories!"
     "M..m..m..me too!" Added Nuke.
     "M..me three!" Also added Digits.
     "JUTH! We need to find JUTH!! She... its here!! It must be!!"
Went Spaz, now more excited.
     "Wait!" Commanded Nuke. "Don't let go yet! I got it!! Ice cream has
no bones!!"
     "What the heck does that mean??"
     "It means that we're the power source! That orb didn't do a damn
thing!!"
     "Oh yeah!! I get it!" Exclaimed Airball.
     "You do?" Asked a bewildered Skippy.
     "Yeah! It's perfectly obvious!! Ice cream!!"
     "Got me." Noted Digits.
     "Well, anyway, how do we find JuTH?"
     "Think about it!" Yelled Airball.
     "What," asked Digits. "I don't see it!"
        "No! Think about IT! THINK ABOUT JUTH! We're on her... its...
whatever level now! We can do whatever it can!
     "Uhhhh...."
     "Just do it!!"
     The Losers cleared their minds, and thought about JuTH. After a few
seconds, Skippy started laughing.
     "What?!" Asked Nuke, "What's so funny??!"
     "This whole thing!! I have no clue what's going on!!"
     "Neither do we!" Replied Spaz. "Just relax and think about JuTH!!!"
     The Losers settled in and concentrated on the (n-1)th dimensional
being that was now the reigning deity over the Universe that they currently
knew and loved. After a few seconds, they could vaguely see the image of an
immense green-tinted apparition, sitting in front of a seemingly infinite
array of monitors, allaying her will upon an utterly clueless Universe. The
wall of monitors extended in all directions for farther than they could see.
Yet, the being seemed to be able to interact with each and every one of them
all at once, effortlessly. She was in complete control of her Universe. No
more trudging around with the reality that she once knew. She now had her
own simpler Universe, one in which she was Lord and Master, able to pull off
whatever screwball tactics she pleased. One where she didn't have to be
herself, but could instead be anyone else that she felt like being. Also,
she was so engrossed in her little Universe, that she never even noticed
the Losers invading her space.
     "Holy CRAP!" Went Skippy under his breath.
     "What now, Cap?" Asked Digits quietly.
     Nuke grinned, and closed his eyes. In an instant, the four Losers
were all wearing greyish jumpsuits, with proton accellerators on their backs.
Each of them was also holding in his hand a familiar looking "trap."
     Airball quickly grinned. "I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part
of it! Let's do it!"
     "Shhh!" Warned Nuke, about a fraction of a second too late. The
tremendous green apparition had begun to turn to face them.
     "You all saw the movie!" Yelled Nuke, pulling out his stick. The
other Losers quickly followed.
     JuTH let out a resounding roar right before the Losers kicked on
their gliders. The stream of protons enshrouded the creature, as they each
set and threw their traps with their free hands, one after the other. Within
a minute, the beast was gone, and the little red lights on the traps were
blinking.
        There was a few seconds of silence. Slowly, the wall of monitors
began to fade away. Just then, Digits noted, "Hey, we let go of each other
when we got our proton packs. I guess we didn't.......
     Just then, the Losers fell about 10 feet, landing on the grass in
Airball's front yard.
     "need..... to be.... in direct contact....."

        "No, I get it... OW!" noted Airball. "It was because we... didn't
think about it. The link is like... mental."
     "Oh."
        "So," asked Skippy, "what do we... OW... do with these?"
     The Losers were still armed and dangerous, and were carrying 4
loaded "ghost traps."
     "I dunno."
        A flash of white light appeared in between them. There stood a
familiar apparition of a girl.
     "I'll take them. Thank you!" 
     "Hey... How are ya?"
     "Wonderful! I'm thrilled that the JuTH sting was successful! I told
you that you guys were special."
     "You did?" Asked Airball, holding in his chest since it hurt so much.
        "No... no... You said orb. You said... that thing was the key."
     "I had to deliberately deceive you. The orb was but a piece of
plastic with some glow rods in it. They probably don't even work anymore."
     "But... but even JuTH...."
     "I fooled everyone pretty good, huh?"
     "Uhhhh....."
     "Anyway, thanks guys. You did great! The "special powers" you had
won't work quite the same anymore, but they're still in there in a way that
you'll find out yourselves someday."
     "What? Now what?"
     "Bye! Thanks again!"
     The nth dimensional projection then vanished, as quickly as she
appeared.
     The Losers were still lying on the grass, staring at the clouds.
     "Hey!" Thought Nuke, "Maybe if we connect, the pain will go away!"
     "What the heck?" They figured, so they all joined hands and thought
hard about "no pain. No pain."
     About a minute later, they still hurt really bad. They also suddenly
noticed that they were back in their original clothes that they were in
before they left the Universe.
     After about 10 minutes of lying on the grass, they finally felt good
enough to stand up. They were silent the entire time. Until finally, Airball
turned and said something to the Captain.
     "I'm hungry. Is there any food at your house?"


 FIN




 The moral of this story is...... SAY NO TO MUDS!!!!

                                                           -Us.
  Some sources we obviously ripped off:
Ghostbusters, The Simpsons, Monty Python, Star Wars.