TASOD: The Other Generation - Written by Mike and Dan a few years ago. A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far, Far Away........... No, there was no Luke or Han or Lea. There was no Darth Vader or Emperor. That was all just fiction. That was all just part of a really good movie. There was a species of humanoid INTELLIGENT winners. Actually, they weren't winners at all, they were more a species of very advanced anti-Loser. There was the force, and it was very much like described in the Star Wars movies. Somehow, the force was beyond the grasp of the anti-Losers, but, the highest of Losers had a decent control of it. Yes, there were Losers. They were oppressed, but determined. There was a small band of Losers forming. They were fighters, resisting the anti-Loser forces, and they were the only hope for the Loser species. Led by Capt. Kramer, a former freighter pilot, they fight back so that the name Loser may be heard forever, by all........ Cast of (main) characters (Mid 1993) John Denver as Capt. "Troc" Kramer Pat Sajak as The Enlightened One Casey Seimaszko as Capt. Mike "Airball" Speed Eric Stoltz as Lt. Dan "Nuke" Kramer Jodie Foster as Commander Jenn "Frisky" Jones Oliver Platt as Lt. "Skippy" Johnson Michelle Meyrink as Dr. "Fluffy" Imode Lisa Kudrow as The High Priestess Tam Yung-Shee Ted Raimi as Lt. Christopher Ezekiel "Strafe" Paladin Kathy Ireland as Kristen Anorexic, the 2-dimensional phenom Steven Seagal as Ray The Equalizer Elizabeth Daily as Lt. Jen Smithers Also Starring: Patrick Stewart as Capt. Jean-Luc Picard Harry Anderson as The Enforcer Dwight Gooden as The Master Mel Brooks as Yogurt AND, as the Winners: Vanilla Ice as the Emperor Jack-Me as Herself Special Mystery Guest Star as Darth Winner.... Coming soon to a VAX near you.......................... Date: 21 Feb 1993 16:28:12 -0500 (EST) From: WOLFGANG Picard stepped out onto the bridge in his dignified manner. He was always dignified, and for a sensitive delegation mission such as this one, he must now act, and look dignified. He was wearing starfleet's full dress uniform. "Mr. Data, do you have the transport coordinates for this meeting?" "Yes sir, the beam-down site should put you right in the middle of the city square, which appears to be the busiest area of town at the moment. In fact sir, the marketplace is also appe......" "Thank you, Mr. Data, that will be all." Riker stepped up with his perpetual concerned look.... "Sir, I still don't like the idea of you beaming down alone to this planet, you are the captain after all." Riker stated. "Will, we have been through this before, I know Tahj Rexlin, we were at the academy together, and I know he can guarantee my safety." "Safety is something that no one can guaranty, Mon Capitan..." there was a flash of light, and then the owner of the voice appeared on the bridge...... "Q!" the entire bridge crew seemed to echo at once. "Ahhh, I'm flattered that you all remember me so well!" Q chimed. "Q, what do you want this time, can't you see that I'm busy?" Picard shot back. "Captain, captain, I only want to do what your number one wants you to do..... have your safety guaranteed....." Q said. "I'm going to make sure that you don't have to go down to that planet down there, because, your dear old friend is lying. If your Mister Data would be so kind as to scan the area about 500 yards southeast and 20 yards below the surface of the town square......" "He's right, captain, the area is rigged with an explosive device. It's set to go off the instant a transporter beam is finished engaging." "Q, what do you want......" Picard said testily...... "Jean-Luc, why would I want anything, I'm hurt that you would think I'm greedy like your dear friends the Ferengi..... but, now that you mention it, I would like you to play in a little experiment of mine.. ah, ah, no objections, you owe me your life......" Q said With a snap of his finger, Picard and Q were both gone. Riker sighed, and silently wondered how long Q would keep the captain this time..... he had no idea that his captain had gone into a parallel time line...... Picard appeared on the surface of an Earth-like planet, in the middle of a rather severe rainstorm. "Q, I demand that you bring me back to the Enterprise!!!, where am I Q?!?! Q!!!" Picard yelled to be heard over the thunder. "Ah, ah, my dear Jean-Luc, all I can say is that you must trust the two who call themselves Losers....." Q said, and then faded away. Picard wondered what the last statement meant, and then started off to try and find these two 'Losers'. He didn't realize that it was going to be a long time before he would see the bridge of the Enterprise again. Mike and Dan saw the flash of light, and started off toward the man who had appeared from the flash. It was too late, a Winner patrol had already found the man, and cuffed him. They were leading him back to their transport, when Dan started off...... "Where the hell are you going?" Mike yelled at Dan. "Hey, those Winner dudes just captured that guy, which means that he's not on their side. I figure anyone who's not on their side has got to be on ours......" Dan replied. Mike sighed and knew that this was going to be a long week....... From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "Eat Cheese or Die!!!!!" 29-MAR-1993 09:58:21.49 From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 29-MAR-1993 "Come on, let's go after them." Whispered Dan. "No! We should radio in reinforcements." Answered Mike. "But then we could lose them again! If I track them now, he could lead us to their secret headquarters!" Mike thought...."Okay Dan, but be EXTREMELY careful, and don't let them see you!" "No problem," Said Dan, as he clicked the transparency button on his utility belt. Dan took off in the directions the Winners went. The stealth generators on his anti-gravity boots rendered him utterly silent. Capt. Speed rocketed back to Loser base. MEANWHILE, "Who the Hell are you? I demand to know!" Capt. Picard was cross. "Cease your speaking!" Droned Winner battledroid 38, as he whacked the Captain in the head. "When the federation finds out about this, you will pay for these actions! This is terrorism! Q! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE NOW!!" The battledroids just continued along with the captain. At a certain point out on a barren, rocky field, the droids stopped. "Security clearance Winner battledroid 54 code number 8-gamma-12-Q-11-fiver" droned the droid. "Purpose!" Spoke another droid from out of the air. "We have intercepted an intruder on Winner soil." "You may proceed." A huge metal door materialized out what seemed to be thin air. The door just floated there, and appeared to lead nowhere. Battledroid 54 punched a rather lengthy keycode into a panel on the side of the door, and it opened, revealing an almost 2-dimensional staircase. The droids went in with Captain Picard, the door sealed shut, and vanished. "Nuke to base!" Radioed Lt. Kramer. "I know where Winner H.Q. is!" "Excellent!" Answered Capt. Troc. We have your coordinates and are feeding them into the computer now. Return to base at once." Dan took off. He met back up with Mike at base. Loser base Garbage Seven on the barren waste-moon of Monterey Jack was a bunker 4 miles beneath the planets crust. The entrance was hidden in an ordinary rock formation, that would seem to be the least possible place anyone would ever think that there would be a base entrance. The base was so deep that it was nice and warm and temperate being that it was so close to the satellite's core, as opposed to the bitter crap weather on the surface. Inside were Mike and Dan, Captain Troc Kramer (No relation to Dan), Lt. Frisky, Lt. Skippy, and Lt. Strafe. There was a huge hangar there where several officers were working on a plethora of exciting new attack vehicles and weapons. Dan grinned. "The Winner base entrance is somewhere in this sector, right here." Said Captain Troc demonstrating on map of the cheesy satellite. Somehow, it is Hidden, however, crust scans for tunnels or passages in the sector show no signs whatsoever of an underground inhabitancy. What else did you see, Nuke?" "It was so weird! The door materialized out of the air when the droid spoke some secret code. The door had no depth! It was high and wide, but not deep! When it opened, an almost 2 dimensional staircase appeared, that seemed to go nowhere." "Hold on," interrupted Capt. Airball, "A 2 dimensional passageway could only lead to one thing.......... a 2 dimensional base!" "That would make sense, being that there was no scans of a 3 dimensional base anywhere in the area." Stated Troc. "But how?" Said Dan. "Kristen." Said Mike. "What?" Said all. "Kristen Anorexic. She was a Loser, before she disappeared in that transporter accident. We all thought that her thinness just caused a bypass by the transporter. But maybe, the Winners found her, and have been using her to form a 2 dimensional field around their base, making it intangible." "Oh no! We have to save her!" Yelled out Lt. Skippy, who once dated Kristen. "It's just a theory." Said Mike. Just then, something felt like an earthquake, which couldn't have possibly been an earthquake so deep in the ground. "On Screen!" Yelled Troc. A Winner droid battalion had somehow discovered the base. "I suspect a traitor!" Yelled Captain Troc. "Don't be so sure yet, Captain!" Replied Captain Airball. "They're on their way in! Quick! Initiate inner defenses!" The soldiers all armed themselves and prepared for the confrontation. The soldiers were good. The battledroids were picked off as fast as they could enter the room. Droid pieces were spread all over. However, their programming finally adapted, and the final wave barraged through with immense firepower. Some soldiers went down, but not nearly enough. The Loser soldiers flattened the last battledroid, with only minimal casualties. "Bleah, that was scary!" Said Lt. Frisky. Just as they were about to start cleaning up the droid chunks, one droid arose, and landed a laser blast right into Dan's chest. The soldiers pulverized the droid, but it was too late. Dan, however, felt fine. He was floating, very lightly, through a concert hall. He heard a voice say, "I am the Enlightened One. Your time has come to learn about your powers.........." Date: 30 Mar 1993 21:46:03 -0500 (EST) From: WOLFGANG Dan looked up slowly and saw a middle aged man on a Steinway. Dan blinked twice, and then rubbed his eyes to make sure that he wasn't dreaming. The man had a very innocent look about him, one that made Dan feel very comfortable and relaxed. Dan floated his way over toward the man and asked "what powers?" The man smiled and replied "Dan, you have a very special talent, one that only a few others on this dying planet share. You have the ability to start wars, or end them, and you have the ability to control entire races of people, but you must learn how to use that power." Dan gave the man a quizzical look "surely you're not serious." Dan retorted. "I am serious" the man said "and don't call me Shirley". Dan ignored the joke and took a look around. He could see pictures of far off places on the wall all around him, and there was a coffee maker, and a desk with a chair in the room. Dan could also see the images of his friends and co-revolutionaries coming back into focus, trying to take over the image of the man. "I don't want to leave here!!!" Dan shouted "You have to, it's for your own good, and the good of all losers" the man said, sounding surprisingly sad. "Don't forget my name.... just call and concentrate on the enlightened one, and I will appear in times of peace to help you train. If need be, I can be summoned in times of trouble to help you out. Don't forget that you are not the only one with this power....." Dan jumped up with a start and then looked down at his uniform tunic. It was charred black, and the skin beneath was blistered and red. Dan realized that he was in severe pain and passed out immediately. "He'll be okay, he's just got blaster shock--that stupid robot didn't hit him with full force" Mike said. Mike felt a strange feeling come over him, and he looked over at Dan -who he felt much closer to all of the sudden...... Mike suddenly got a very bad feeling about something....... From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 31-MAR-1993 Dan attempted speech. "Mike..... is that you?" "Relax, Dan, you've been shot. Dr. Imode is here. She will take care of you." "Mike! I had the craziest dream!" "Not now, Dan. Rest. Your biological microfilters are going to be restructured, and you should be as good as new tomorrow. Until then, don't stress yourself....." "But Mike! You didn't see....." Dr. Fluffy Imode gave Dan a shot of polyhydropentathol, putting him right out. "I'll fix him." Said Dr. F. "He'll never notice the difference." Captain Troc interfered. "We have to relocate the base now that we have been discovered. We have located the Winners, so to remain on this planet would be useless anyway. Prepare all ships for evacuation!" All the Losers scuffled toward the hidden fleet. There was one battle cruiser, and mostly fighters. Dan was loaded onto the cruiser with most of the senior staff. Capt. Airball and Lt. Frisky fronted the fighter squadron in a Q-788 warp jumper, that looked peculiarly like a Y-Wing. The ground opened up and the fleet surfaced, just as an huge battalion of Winner droids, this time heavily armed with hovertanks and molecular dissipation cannons. "Full impulse up! NOW!" Screamed Capt. Troc Kramer, as the fleet left the Winners behind. They could see the Winners below them pulverizing their base, looking for anything that they could use. "Set a course for sector 533-G. We shall intercept the Loser fleet there. Warp 5." Ensign Maya carried out the orders flawlessly. The Loser Battle Cruiser was equipped with a very limited arsenal of torpedoes, being that it was rather small for a battle cruiser. It was, fully equipped with turbo-phasers (the next level) and a powerful cloaking device. After several hours, the Losers reached the Super Battleship, Fart. The Fart was an incredible show of Loser ingenuity, about the same size as an Imperial Star Destroyer. It could do just about anything. A good sized fleet of about 25 other Battleships and Cruisers surrounded the Fart. Upon docking, the staff disassembled and regrouped. Mike and Jenn were eating, when Mike heard, "Mike! Get over here, now!" Screamed, as if the screamer was right there in the same room. "What did you say, Jenn?" "Nothing." "Well, who said that?" "What?" There was the scream again. "MIKE! NOW! It's important!!" "That!" Said Mike. "WHAT??!" Said Jenn. "I didn't hear anything!" "Okay, okay. I'll go along with the joke. Your making me think Dan is calling me, right?" "You're crazy Mike." I know. So where's the bug?" The scream of Dan called again. "Zarquon, Mike! There's no damn bug! Just get your but to sick bay NOW! BELGIUM!!" "Belgium!" Said Mike. "Mike! Don't use that language at the dinner table!" Mike took off for sick bay. That same feeling that he had right after Dan was shot was back, and weirder than ever. In sick bay, Dan was still out, on the table. "Took you damn long enough!" Said the voice of Dan. "When I was shot, I saw the Enlightened One. It was HIM, the Loser God himself. He told me about a power, some Loserforce that I have! And he said there were others or something, so I figured it would be Loser prime. When I called you from the unconscious, you arrived!" Dan sat up, awake, and looked at Mike. "I feel fine now. I used my force to heal myself. No one else could hear me calling you, right?" "Not that I know of." "I see. I had another dream, of a Loserforce master, called Tam Yung-Shee, who is in the Grzyxij system. I must go find her." "But that system is huge! And filled with psychic weirdos!" "I will find her with the Loserforce." "Welllllllllllll.................... Okay. But be back in 3 days." Dan grinned. "All senior staff to the bridge!" Went Capt' Kramer over the PA. "Just go, Dan." Said Mike. "The Captain's a Loser, he'll understand." Dan took off for his favorite fighter ship. On the bridge, Mike explained about Dan's special psychic mission. Troc thought that it was cool, and said that Dan needed a vacation, anyway. "We are staging a mission back to Monterey Jack to attempt invasion on the Winner headquarters. The Auto recorder inside Dan's helmet was able to pick up a faint recording of the battledroid's access code. We have filtered it and put it on this sound cube. It should, hopefully, access the appearance of the door. It will then be up to you to break the keycode pattern that will open it. We have a bird of prey with the ultimate cloaking system all ready, but when you leave the ship, you will be detectable. We have calculated that it should take them approximately 7 minutes to detect your presence from their 2 dimensional status. Once in, the objective shall be to deactivate the 2-dimensional field generator, and lower any of their defenses. We will be waiting above the atmosphere in a battle transport, set to beam in our whole army of roboLoser troops. The defenses and shields MUST be lowered before we can get the troops in! If not, we could lose all of our robots, and will most likely be discovered. One more thing. When in, if possible, try to locate Kristen Anorexic or that round headed stranger." He paused to breathe. "I have selected Lt. Skippy, Lt. Zeke, to infiltrate, and Capt. Airball will lead the mission." 3 jaws dropped. "Mike is best equipped to break the access code, and the 3 of you are the best there are." The Losers were ready. They headed for the Bird of Prey. As they blasted back to Monterey Jack, Dan headed for Grzyxij.......... Date: 31 Mar 1993 22:38:07 -0500 (EST) From: WOLFGANG Dan ran down to the hanger bay, and primed his fighter (which just so happened to look a lot like a cross between firefox and a robotech fighter). Dan took off and headed for the Grzyxij system, while the rest of the Loser task force headed back toward Monterey Jack. Capt. Kramer ordered the fleet to make the hyperspace jump, and Dan watched as the ships disappeared into the darkness, one by one. Dan set his coordinates and jumped into hyperspace himself. The jump was a long one, so Dan told his servo-droid that he was going to sleep, and only awake him in case of an emergency. Back on the Fart....... The fleet pulled out of hyperspace between the 6th and 7th planets of the Cheese system (Monterey Jack was the 4th planet) and waited just long enough to let off Airball, Zeke, and Skippy in the cloak ship. The three of them set course for Monterey, and used a subspace fold to arrive just above the planets atmosphere. Mike used his piloting skill to bring the ship to the surface with minimal atmospheric disturbance. The ship set down about half a mile from the Winner base, and the three commandos set off through the foliage to the spot where the area was located. They arrived with little trouble and got right to work........ Dan jumped up with a start as his servo-droid alerted him that there was a Winner cruiser coming out of hyperspace three parsects ahead of the current location. Dan looked down at his instruments and realized it would be suicide to try and hyperspace past the winner ship, so he eased his fighter out of lightspeed and set the attack computer up. "Well, it's make it or break it time, and I'm in a breaking sort of mood....." Dan muttered to himself, quite aware that his droid would report anything that he said back to headquarters. There was a brilliant flash of light, and suddenly a winner cruiser appeared before the small fighter. Dan switched his primary computer over to targeting mode and saw that the cruiser was just off a mission trying to fend off space-pirates from the next system over. The cruiser was badly damaged and had no shields...... Dan smiled under his helmet and fired off two proton torpedoes. The torpedoes struck the cruiser amidships and instantly blew it apart. Dan was so busy reveling in his victory that he didn't notice the fighter the cruiser had dispatched......... Mike and the group activated the sound cube and the base door appeared. Mike, with Skippy's help, and a small device that looked like a 20th cent. Earth calculator quickly had the door open..... They ran inside and saw........ From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 1-APR-1993 They saw that, atop the stairway, was, of all the dang-blasted things.... another door. "CHEESE BUTT-CABBAGE ZLORFIK BELGIUM!!!" Uttered Mike. "Chill out!" Informed Zeke. "We're inside now, and it is extremely unlikely that the Winners have sensors in here! I doubt they would possibly expect.........." Mike gave Chris an extremely cold, chilly look, as the door behind them, leading back outside, sealed firmly shut. "Knock on Gadolinia-hypersteel." Said Chris as he knocked on the wall. The Losers were in a dark hallway, a stairwell, actually. There was only one emergengy light on, so it was kinda hard to see, but not too hard. "Okay, we gotta relax, and work on this second door." Mike knew what to do..... MEANWHILE....... Dan was relishing over the remains of the Winner vessel, laughing, as he saw an actual charred Winner's corpse float across his windshield. For some reason, though, he felt something was wrong. "Launch guided ultra-kill torpedo bearing 68.2 degrees Starboard on my mark........" Dan was then trying to figure out why he just said that, when.... "MARK!" The torpedo took off toward the left, and Dan felt kinda stupid. Ultra-kill torpedoes don't grow on trees! They're so big and deadly that a fighter can usually carry only one, I mean, and...... "BOOM!!!" The Winner fighter came out of cloaking, in lots of little pieces. Dan was stunned. The Winner was hiding right there, waiting for him so he could ambush. Dan was completely oblivious! He wouldn't have stood a chance! Yet somehow, he knew just where the Winner was. "Wierd." Said Dan. As he fell back asleep to continue his voyage. MEANWHILE............. Mike hooked his signal generator that looked like a calculator to the keypad of the inner door. This was a different system, so it took a lot longer than they would have liked to crack the code. However, it craked, and another voice droned. "Access granted priority code 188-tango-B-level 2. Enter pass key." A keycard slot emerged from the side of the panel. "Oh, zarquon, no." said Mike. He tried hitting some buttons, but nothing worked. The voice droned "Enter keycard - else alarm will sound in 30 seconds." Mike fiddled with the damn thing. "20 Seconds." He tried kicking it. "10." "Just Belgium it!" Blasted Skippy, as he shot a laser blast into it. The voice stopped, and of all things, the door opened. Mike gave Skippy a good Loser Hi-five. "Hold on!" Went Zeke. "What about the alarm?" They paused a second, and said, "well, I don't hear anything." So, they waltzed in. About 50 battledroids were standing there, aiming guns at the Loser's heads. A voice droned "DROP YOUR WEAPONS NOW!" "Belgium." The weapons dropped, and the Losers were dragged to a large brig with a laser force field protecting it. In they were thrown. "You Losers shall rot in there!" Droned the droids. "Rob!" Yelled Mike. "HEY!" Said Zeke. "Nothing is ever bad enough to use language like that!" (* Note: Mike's favorite swears from lightest to ugliest are Zlorfik, Zarquon, Belgium, Rob, and Homework. *) "Shut up, you two!" Said Skippy. "There's the round headed guy!" Captain Picard stared at them, bizzarrely. "You are the ones called Losers." "Uhh... well.... yeah." "A certain annoying creature called Q brought me here, and told me to trust the ones called Losers." "Q? Okay. See? I told you he was on our side!" Zeke was happy. "Well, we have to get out of here before we can do anything." Noted Captain Speed. "Is there anyone else in here?" "Only him." Responded Picard, as he pointed to a large, black man sitting alone, motionless in the corner. He was wearing a blue shirt and white pants, and a blue hat. His shirt had a big number 16 on it. Mike stared. "The Master!" He noticed. "I read about him in one of my history expedition classes. Legend says that a man, just like that, defeated an entire Winner army of 2000 soldiers, (it was before droids were invented,) by himself, without any weapons!" "No way! That's impossible!" Retorted Skippy. "How??!!" "By just throwing grenades. His arms are more powerful than any gun, at least than any gun back then. The story supposedly took place 200 years ago." "How can you be sure that's him then?" "The 16." "Wow. Let's ask him." Skippy went up to him, and asked, "Are you the Master?" The Master just nodded. "Well, what happened to you?" The Master arose, he stood about 10 feet tall. "My name is K. I was a doctor." He said. Mike, Dan, Picard, and Skippy stood there, mortified. MEANWHILE...... Dan entered the Grzyxij system, and let his instinct take him to the ice planet of Popsikl...... Date: 02 Apr 1993 08:49:09 -0500 (EST) From: WOLFGANG Dan floated to a nice landing in the snow, and hopped out of his fighter. He looked around, but all he could see for a long distance was snow, sno, and mor snow. He began to feel funny, and started walking toward the group of strange snow mounds tha seeed to be giving him strong vibes. He walked for about ten minutes, and then arrived at a small hut in the snow. He peeked inside, and saw an average built, middle age man playing on the most incredible looking musical instrument he had ever seen. The man had a pleasant smile, and, without stopping, he said "Come in, I've been expecting you for quite some time......don't worry, you're not late, at least not yet." Dan let himself smile, and he walked into the hut. He walked up to the man, and noticed that his fingers were moving faster than he had ever seen a human's fingers move before. Dan quietly asked "what is this place called? It just seems to snow all the time." He looked around, and wondered about his question. The man replied "Indeed, it does seem to snow forever here, that is why this place is called Ithaca. I am called the enlightened one, but you may call me sir." Dan felt a strange sense of awe come over him, and he immediatly bowed to the man. The man just smiled, and blessed his new student BACK ON MONTERREY JACK....... Airball, Skippy, and Zeke were just starting to discuss how they could escape when they heard some droids coming down the hall. "Quick, we have to think of a way to escape!!!!" Zeke said. "It's no use," said Dr. K "Even if we could get out of here, there is no way we can get a ship to get off this planet....." "Well, it just so happens that we have a ship, and we CAN get off this planet. We have the ship cloaked beyond the ridge." Airball said. Dr. K smiled, and took a funny looking white spherical object out of his back pocket. The object was about the same size as a grenade, but lighter, and non-explosive. The Winner droids opened the door, and the Dr. reached his arm back and threw the object at the droids with such force that it hit the first droid, impaled it, hit the second droid, and caused that one to explode. The remaining droids blew up from the secondary explosions. Mike smiled and said "let's get the farg out of here......" The three (No, five m'lord!!) sorry, five men ran out the door and headed for the exit. "WAIT!!!" Zeke shouted. "We have to disable the 2-dimensional field generator......" "Are you kidding???--We have to get out of here." said the bald guy. Skippy, ever the delegate, spoke "If you guys want to use OUR spaceship to get of this planet, you'll help us shut down the generator." The large black man and the bald guy looked at each other, shrugged, and at the same time both said "okay." The three of them started to run toward the generator area...... MEANWHILE, BACK ON POPSIKL...... Dan was busy training both his body and mind.....He was jumping higher, running faster, and lasting longer than he ever had before....... From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "Eat Cheese or Die!!!!!" 29-MAR-1993 09:58:21.49 "You are a fast learner," said the Enlightened One to Dan. "You are almost ready for the next stage of your training." "You mean, there's more?" Asked Dan. "Indeed! I am the Loserforce master! Eventually, you will know all that I do. But first, you have to run the levels." "But, I only have 3 days leave! If I had known, I would have asked for more! I can't radio from here, we're too far!" "You no longer need a radio. Just tell Airball from here." "Why Airball? Shouldn't I just ask the Captain?" "Just trust me." "Hold on, I get it! He's the other one with Loserforce!" "Correct, young Skywal... I mean Kramer. But his Loserforce is way different from yours. It is Loserforce nonetheless, and you can contact him. Just concentrate." Dan concentrated. "Mike! I need more time! I'll fill you in when you finish your mission. Tell Capt. Troc." "Very good, Daniel. Your next stage shall take you to the moldy cream planet of this system, where you shall learn the physics of Loserforce from one called Yogurt. Excuse him if he pronounces it Loser"schwartz." Then you will learn mysticism from Tam Yung-Shee. Then, and only then, you will learn Piano from me........... Now BE GONE!" And the Enlightened one vanished. "Groovy." Said Dan. While trudging through the snows of Popsikl, he saw a Winner probe clinging to the back of his ship. He had been tracked! MEANWHILE........... "Hey, I got a message from Dan!" "What????" enquired Skippy and Zeke simultaneously. "I'll explain later. My tricorder indicates the source of the field is this way." "Hey, a tricorder! There's something that I've actually heard of!" noted Picard. "That's nice." They found the door to the generator, as it was guarded by two battledroids. "Those are the ones that assaulted me." Informed Picard. "Would you be quiet for just 5 minutes? I'M the Captain HERE!" Capt. Speed had become edgy. "Hey K, do you think you could pinpoint these orbs into the droid's heads?" "I think so, I haven't thrown for accuracy in 2 centuries." "Well, we need perfection. The droids central processing chambers are directly behind the red circles on their foreheads. Without guns, a direct hit is necessary to shut them down." "I'll try it." The Master reared back and hit the first droid square in the head, disabling it immediately. However, the second droid reacted too fast, and evaded the throw. "HALT! INTRUDER ALERT!" "Belgium! Let's get him!" yelled Mike, as all 5 of them jumped on top of the droid and just beat the mold out of it old-fashioned style. "The silent alarm's been sounded! We have to act really fast!" Mike ripped out the battledroid's arm and shorted out the automatic door with it. "Too many damn doors in this place!!!!" They stormed in, and Skippy's eyes lit up. Kristen Anorexic was wired up to a huge rack, almost dead. "Get her down!" Mike saw a huge panel that said OUTER DEFENCE MODULE TOP PRIORITY CLEARANCE ONLY over a huge computer system with lots of crazy switches and stuff. "K! Show this thing our clearance!" K hurled the head of battledroid 38 into the panel, annihilating it. Skippy had Kristen down. The sounds of battledroid footsteps were fast approaching. Alarm sounded deafeningly loud. "OUTER SECURITY DISABLED! OUTER SECURITY DISABLED.........." and so forth. Mike screamed into his hidden boot com badge "BEAM UP SIX.... NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Scores of laser blasts went right through their dissolving patterns. Upon the Fart, the Losers quickly ran to the bridge to see that the Winner base was really just a big condominium. "This is too easy!!! Launch 10 hyper-kill torpedoes! Down there! NOW!!" The torpedoes pulverized the Winner base, but not before a small ship could be seen fleeing the scene. "Radio signal incoming." "Receive." "bssbsbbsbbbhhytht...I am Darth Winner....... You are far from victory..... very far..... bsshshshhshthtshsthsttss...." The small craft jumped into hyperspace and was way gone. Darth Winner returned to the Win-O-Rama Ultra-Super Mega Heavy Duty Battle Station, far across the Galaxy. Upon his return, he was relayed a message. "A probe has indicated the presence of a Loser in the Grzyxij system. Is that the news you wanted?" "Yes, precisely what I had anticipated......." Date: 02 Apr 1993 14:23:12 -0500 (EST) From: WOLFGANG Dan quickly pulled his blaster out and demolished the winner droid, but realized that he could be in grave danger...... He tried to call the enlightened one, but he had already disappeared. Dan figured that the best thing to do was get to Yogurt as fast as possible, and hope that he had the power to hide Dan from whatever evil there was out there. Lt. Kramer hopped abord his fighter and quickly took of for Yogurt's planet, just a short space fold away..... MEANWHILE....... Skippy, Zeke, Capt. Picard, Dr. K, Mike, and Kristen were in the debreifing room as Capt. Kramer told them about the mission. "You all did very well, not only did we find out that the Winner base was just a condo, we utterly destroyed it as well. We also have Kristen, and she's okay. We're using the technology that they used on her to help make our cloaking shields even stronger. Capt. Picard and Dr. K will get a larger debriefing later on. Airball, Zeke, Skippy, you all have shore leave...." Troc said...... Dan's fighter quietly landed in a small canyon (no easy piloting task, mind you....) and he got out to start looking for this Yogurt guy. Dan walked for about half an hour, and came to a small cave. He started to walk in, but tripped and pulled at a rock in desperation...... he accidentally pulled of a sign that said 'Yogurt's house--Losers only' Dan grinned, and walked in. He heard a pleasant voice say "Come in!!! I've been expecting you....." Dan looked aroud, and saw a middle age man in a funny hat, juggling some funny looking objects. The man smile and yelled for somone else.... A huge man with no hair, and really stupid looking came in and took Dan's coat. Dan looked around, and the smiled, as he knew that he was going to like this guy---his desk was covered with comic books. BUT BACK AT DAN'S LANDING SITE...... A Winner patrol was just reporting in to Darth Winner...... "Yes sir, we found Lt. Kramer's ship, and his astrodroid, but Kramer is not here, there seem to be footprints going off to the east though...should we follow?" The winner droid said. "No, leave them to me" a dark voice said back........ From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." "Okay! Let's get started! Rule one of Schwartz fizix: whenever you think you're in danger, you probably are." "Really?" asked Dan. "Yep." "I feel the there is a huge danger approaching here right now." "Very good! You learn so fast! Darth Winner of the Winner empire is approaching right now with two mega-mutilator battle droids." "What???!!!! We have to do something!!" "Don't worry about it! You do still have much to learn. Remember that sign when you first came in......." Darth Winner reached the entrance of the cave, and saw the sign that said 'Loser's only.' So, he turned around and started back. Yogurt continued. "The cave is protected by a Loser mental shield, only available to those with Loserforce. Darth Winner, however, is a turncoat. He once was a Loserforce master, but the Winnemperrer suckered him into being his henchman. I taught him everything he knows. He is strong. He may figure out the mental shield soon." "I know what to do!" "Mike! Darth Winner is here! I need Loser troops!" "What are you doing??" Yogurt was cross. "We can't have troops here!" "But Capt. Speed can kill the Winners for us." "Yeah, but........Mike Speed?" "Yes." "He's the math God of Loserforce!" "What?" "Bring him here! I must see him! Then I need to send him to Tam." "He says he's on his way." MEANWHILE, on the Fart..... "Capt. Troc! I need some troops! I know where Darth Winner is!" "How do you know?" "Dan told me!" "Ohhh... this mental sharing thing again. You two spend much too much time together." "Yeah, well...." "Zeke and Skippy have taken off for the resort planet of Clubmed, and the soldiers all have duties here. I can't afford to do this right now." "Then I'll go myself." "I can't allow that. Even with some droids, it's just not......" Captain Picard entered, finished from debriefing. "Can I?" Mike asked Troc. "Dude! Do you wanna help me on a mission?" Asked Mike. Captain Picard looked amazed. "Dude?" He asked. "Were going to Grzyxij to help Dan! It'll be fun!" "Well, I suppose." Answered Picard. Mike smiled at Troc. "I still don't know." Dr. K overheard the conversation. "The mystical God Dave-Cone is supposed to be in the Grzyxij system. I would gladly volunteer to go." Interjected K. "Well, okay. But bring some wardroids. Darth Winner is really nasty." "Perhaps a system like this is where Q wanted me to go all along. It just seems like some part of his little test." Picard, K, and Airball took off for Grzyxij. MEANWHILE, on Moldy Cream asteroid............. "They're on their way." Dan announced. "Good. We shall train in Loser physics until they arrive. We have a good 30 hours." "Hold on," stopped Dan. "How many of us with Loserforce are there?" "That is a good question, young one. We discovered you when you were shot, and Airball when you communicated with him. See, we do not know where this Loserschwartz is. I now know of you and Mike, Darth Winner, and someone else that you are acquainted with, but cannot yet pinpoint." "Hold on, who's 'we'?" Asked Dan. "Why, the Loserforce is vast! You have much to learn yet." They began to train. MEANWHILE out in space, Airball, K, and Picard were flying for a while, when they were awakened by a disturbance. "We are now in the Grzyxij system." Said the computer. "There is an enemy ship being launced from an asteroid and bearing 6-7-Alpha-12-Mark." The Loser crew quickly jumped to attention, as Darth Winner's ship was approaching. Date: 06 Apr 1993 23:12:07 -0400 (EDT) From: WOLFGANG Mike armed the Wardroids, and raised the shields. K and Picard went to the gun stations and readied themselves. A fierce space battle was about to begin. Darth Winner's Cruiser, the W.S.S. Boyz-to-Men (is that a winner enough name for you?) was arming its main guns and accelerating to attack speed. Darth snickered, realizing that the Loser cruiser was no match for a Winner Starsmasher. The Loser ship fired two proton torpedoes, but they just hit the shields with no effect. The Winner ship fired two bursts of its dreaded death ray, and the Loser ship was damaged. "Activate the escape pods, and prepare the Battledroids for suicide mode!!!" Mike screamed. K and Picard switched all ten of the battledroids to suicide mode (set to activate as soon as the Losers ejected), and got to an excape pod. Mike ran in and joined them, and then launched, setting his target landing for the Loserforce cave. MEANWHILE, on Moldy cream asteroid....... "Mike's in trouble!!!!" Dan screamed. "We've got to go out there and do something!!" "have no fear, he's okay!!!" "Yes master, I trust in you." MEANWHILE, back in space...... Mike's pod was approaching the landing area quite quickly....... The loserdroids started thier suicide run....... From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 7-APR-1993 Upon the Extremely Winner Satrsmasher aptly named Boyz-2-Men, an ensign reported: "Sir! An escape pod has been launched!!!" "Follow the pod!" Commanded Darth. Just then, the Loozer croozer droids entered banzai kamikaze mode, and engaged warp drive, right in the general direction of Boyz-2-Men....... The Losers in the pod saw a huge blast of light behind them, as the 2 ships erupted into a burst of flame. However, the Starsmasher shields just barely held off annihilation. "FUCK." Exclaimed Darth Winner. "Attack that pod!" "But sir! All of our weapons systems are off line! Life support is at bare minimum!" "SHIT. Take us back to Win-O-Rama. They won't get very far......" (* NOTE: Only Winners say 'Normal' swears......... *) The Loser's pod crashed right beside Dan's fighter, and all of the footprints still remained. So, they were able to follow over to Yogurt's cave. "Losers Only, huh? Cool." Mike, K, and Captain Picard entered , and saw Dan clog dancing on the ceiling. "Dan!" Yelled Mike. Dan, startled, fell off the ceiling. "Hi Mike." Said he. "You!" Said Yogurt. "Yes, I feel it now! You have the Loserforce! Yes! It's all back to me now! You are the fourth counterpart!" "Say what?" "Many years ago, there was a great Loserschwartz master, they called him Ludwig van Amadeus Einstein. He was my teacher, as well as that of the Enlightened one that you have already met. He wedded a Loser princess, named Jackie, who gave birth to quadruplets. I remember it now, there were 3 boys and a girl. However, Jackie turned out to be evil. when the children were 6 months old, she put them in a pod and just shot them at random across the galaxy, all except one. His name was Damien, and Jackie took him to the Winner emperor, who's empire was weak and faltering at the time. The princess made them strong, and Ludwig van Amadeus Einstein, feeling so betrayed, just vanished. No one knows his whereabouts, or whether he is dead or alive. Damien, your brother, I am afraid to say, is now who you know as Darth Winner...................... (Dramatic chord.........) "Wow." Said Mike and Dan. "You mean, he's been my brother all along, and we never knew it?" They both said at exactly the same time. "It would explain alot of things, wouldn't it?" "Anyway, the harmonic ability of your father's schwartz has gone to you, Dan. The logical has gone to Mike. Unfortunately, the brashness has gone to Damien, but the most important aspect, the sheer obnoxiousness of your sister, is still missing. She must have grown up on the same planet as you, so in all likelihood, you are acquainted....... "Sheer obnoxiousness? Don't even say I've been dating my sister...." "I Remember! He name was Jen!" "HOMEWORK!!!!!!!" Yelled Mike. "Don't get crazy yet, I know another Jen, a Lt. Jen Smithers. She's not that obnoxious, though." Reassured Dan. "If she does not know of her power, it may never have been displayed." Noticed Yogurt. "How can we tell?" Asked Mike. "When you get to Tam Yung-Shee, she will tell you. She knows all. Yogurt continued. "Dan, your training here is finished. You are now ready for the spiritual Loser level." "Do you know where the God Dave-Cone is?" Asked K. "Hey, don't I know you?" Asked Dan. "He's the Master." Said Mike. "WOW!" Said Dan. "Can I go with him to see the God Dave-Cone?" "Sure." Said Yogurt. "You can find Tam Yung-Shee whenever you want. You know how to find Losers now." "GREAT!" Dan and K took off, Dan was in awe, as he knew all the legends of the Master. "Do you know of a being known as Q?" Asked Picard. "Q? Q! No, sorry. Try Tam Yung-Shee. I am sending Mike to her now. She will assure that your girlfriend is not your sister. I doubt it, because the Loserforce should have indicated something by now, like a disturbance in the continuum." "Thanks Yogurt." "May the schwartz be with you." Mike and Capt. Picard took off to find Tam Yung-Shee. Darth Winner, just then, sensed something funny. Date: 07 Apr 1993 14:20:15 -0400 (EDT) From: WOLFGANG Mike and Picard got used the radio in Dan's fighter to call for three more Loser fighters to be sent via hyperspace fold. Dan put on his flight suit and climbed in. "K, I'll see you at the rendez-vous point for Dave-Cone, and Mike, I'll see you later....and good luck." Dan said. Dan closed the canopy and blasted off.... Mike, K, and Picard waited for the three ships to arrive. Mike figured it would be necessary to explain how to fly. K listened intently, and Picard looked bored. MEANWHILE, on the Winner flagship.... Darth was really pissed that the Losers had gotten away. He walked up to a random guard and kicked him in the nuts. Darth was so powerfull that the blow instantly killed the guard. He turned to a Lt. "Did you place the tracking device on Lt. Kramer's ship?" Darth asked. "Of course m'lord, we are tracking him right now. We may lose him briefly when he jumps into hyperspace, but we'll know where he goes." the techie said. "Excellent work, proceed with the plan." Darth said. MEANWHILE, back on Moldy Cream.... Mike, K, and Picard watched as the three fighters landed and opened. They all got in, and Mike and Picard set coordinates for Tam-yung-Shee's planet, and K set his coordinates to follow Dan's fighter. "You can activate a combat trainer to keep yourself occupied if you find that the trip gets boring" Mike said to K. "Good luck" K took off and made his space jump after clearing the planet's atmosphere. Picard based off with obvious skill and Mike followed. They both jumped into hyperspace toward Tam-Yung-Shee. Dan was practicing his new mental powers when his craft pulled out of the space fold. "Wow, only 16.7 hours, that was a fast trip for all the way out here." Dan muttered. Dan activated his scanner to oook around and see if there was anyplace he could stop to take a leak or get a bite to eat. He found this great little Diner floating just outside the Lunoid system, where Tam was located. After releaving himself and chowing down on some great space fries, he went back to his ship. He was about to climb in when he noticed this funny looking little thing hanging on to his starboard antenna array. Dan pulled off thf device and dropped it on the ground. He took off for the inner system of Lunoid. (Sorry, I forgot to say meanwhile up there..... ) MEANWHILE, on the Winner flagship Sir, we have him, his ship is orbiting the Lunoid system at coordinates 74 alpha, lagrange C." said a Lt to Darth.... "Excellent, order the cruisers W.S.S. Bobby Brown, W.S.S. MC Hammer, and the W.S.S Madonna to form in also order their escorts to follow....." Darth said. The ten ships closed in on the Winner Flagship and they all jumped into hyperspace. MEANWHILE, somewhere in deep space..... Mike and Picard were coming up on the Lunoid system also when Mike got a sensor report. "Loser fighter, Rapier class at point 12 45 65" the computer spit out. "What the hell is Dan doing way out here, he said he was going to go see Dave-Cone, not Tam-Yung-Shee first!!!!" Mike yelled. He sped up to catch up with Dan........ From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 13-APR-1993 "Dan!" Mike called via telepathic prowess. "What are you doing here?" "Oh, hi Mike. I just stopped at this diner to pee and get some great space fries. Where's K? He should be here by now! I've been waiting for him." Just then, another Loser fighter jumped out of the warp manifold. "That's him. He was probably having fun with the combat simulator." Mike informed. "Good. Signal your ships, because there was another Winner beacon on my ship. I dropped it off at the diner, to throw Darth off our trail. The entire Lunoid system is protected with a Loser mental shield, so no outsiders may locate it. That's why we've never noticed it here before! The whole system is protected by a Smurf village shield. Lots of stories and legends have been told about it, yet no one ever actually charted it. Hopefully, Darth still won't be able to locate it when he gets to the diner. We gotta motor. Set coordinates 85 degrees from mark 12, now." Mike and Dan signalled the coordinates to Picard and K, and they took off. Some 5 minutes later, Bobby Brown and the 9 other Winner ships arrived, fully armed, at the Outer Limits diner. "Open subspace!!" Yelled Darth Winner. Billions of decibels of noise resonated from the Loser fleet hovering some 10 Kilometers over the diner. "WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "COME OUT IN ONE MINUTE, OR WE RAID THE DINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A whole bunch of civilians ran out, jumping into their ships, all of them under the sharp eye of the Winners. "Any sign of him?" Asked a Winner Captain. "He's not in there." Said Darth. "If he was, I would feel him." "But the beacon says he's down OOOMPH!!!........" Darth shut the Captain up with his foot, down his throat. "Something else feels funny around here, but I can't locate it." Said Darth. "I can't understand it." "We are detecting traces of antimatter trilithium. The Losers were just here." Noted a Winner techie. "Hmmmmm....... we shall wait here until they return. Whatever kind of manifold they went into, they have to emerge sometime..........." "M'LORD!" Went an officer. "Message on hyperwave! It's the emperor!" "Fuck." Said Darth, as he took the call. "Yo, dis is Emperor Vanilla. What da FUCK is you doin way da fuck out dere?" "Searching for Losers, my leige." "Shit, man, don't be fuckin' way da fuck out dere, you dumb fuck! You fuckin' gots half our fuckin' fleet, you fuck! You must return da fuckin' fleet at fuckin' once!" "But, my leige, I have located the Loser primes, Mike and Dan, and have them trapped." "I don't give a fuck, you fuckin' shithead! You get........." "Damien! It's your mother! You shall find those Loser primes, and shall kill them at all costs! Understand me?" "Yes Mother." "But we be fuckin' needin da rest of da fleet back! We's fuckin' undefended back here!" "The Bobby Brown and the 2 escort cruisers shall remain. The rest of the fleet shall return." "Fuckin' cool," went the Icy Emperor. "Vanilla out." "Now, we wait." Said Darth. M E A N W H I L E . . . . In the Lunoid system....... Dan and K on the small, white, spherical planet of Shea, and saw an old looking guy sitting all by himself in a hallway with a long bench and a water cooler in it. He was wearing the same clothes as K, except with a different number. "That's him!" Said K." I used to fight with him before I was captured. What happened?" The guy with the number 17 stood up, upon viewing the master. Suddenly, he looked young and alive again. He spoke. "K!!!! You're alive!! After you were captured, I was commisioned to a place called Kansas City, where they forced me to throw things to entertain them. I grew weak and old, and was banished. I was flying when a black hole brought me here! It was peaceful, so I stayed. Some guys saw me go through the hole, I know, because they sent rations in behind me in case I survived, which I did. I've been here for a really long time." "Dan was in awe, as he knew of the legends of the masters only from books. Now, it was all real, and they were right in front of them. "Permission to go home." Asked K. "Sure." Said Dan. Dave-Cone's ship was still intact, as it was now a very rare, antique classic. Dan and K helped jump-start it, as the two Loser pitchers took off for who knows. "Thank you, Dan." Said K before he left. "Perhaps we shall meet again some day." Dan took off to find Mike and the round-headed guy. MEANWHILE........ Mike felt something wierd from a red glowing planet, that looked almost ethereal. They landed upon it, and there was a sign posted next to their spot on the ground. It said "10 hour parking - insert 25"" Underneath it, it said "Welcome to planet Planet." Mike made Picard put it the quarter, and said that this must be the place. They took off down a funny road made of yellow bricks. About a half a mile down, they heard Dan landing next to their ships. They stopped and waited for him to catch up. He told them the story of Dave and the Doctor. At the end of the road, was a big complex. A sign overhead said "Tam's maggot farm." They walked in the front door. behind the receptionist's desk was a totally cute girl with hair redder than Dan's. "Hi Mike and Dan!" She said. "Who's the round-headed guy?" Captain Picard was now certain that he was to buy a wig as soon as possible. "Ummm.... We saved him. We're trying to find his home." "Yes! Please! I am looking for a guy called Q......" Inquired Picard. "Q?? Q!!! You mean like, the Letter Q?" "Oh, never mind." Picard now felt as if all was hopeless. "Ummm.... Tam? Who is our sister?" Asked Mike nervously. "Your sister Jen is now known as Lt. Jen 'Chipmunk' Smithers, one of your own. You need her in order to defeat Darth Winner." Mike felt relieved. "Ray! It is time." Injected Tam Yung-Shee, the Loser master. A huge android entered the room. He was 9 feet tall, and wore a white hooded sweatshirt. He looked human, except his left hand was antimatter diffusion chainsaw. "This is the Equalizer." Said Tam. "He is yours. I have constructed him out of all of the ultimate Loser technologies, making him utterly indestructible. He will also assist you in your conquest. I have named him Ray." "Dan, you now understand the powers of the Loserforce. You shall now embark on your final lesson, and most wonderful voyage ever. You shall return to the Enlightened one for piano lessons. You may bring Ray with you." "But, he won't fit in my ship!" "You shall no longer need a ship! You have the harmonic Loser power, something that only your father has ever perfected. Take this signal generator that looks like a yellow crystal. Activate the tones, and concentrate hard upon your destination.........." "I shall send Ray to meet you with your ship. Now go." A totally neat blend of sound started up, and Dan vanished. "Now Mike, you must stay with me. You will apply your logic to your comprehension of the ethereal. Your hairless friend may stay as well." Date: 15 Apr 1993 15:49:31 -0400 (EDT) From: WOLFGANG Ray jumped into Dan's fighter, and in an instant was off. Mike smiled, and followed the great Tam into her library, where he sat down. Tam walked up to Mike and told him to wear this really cool looking helmet. Mike put it on, and instantly was whisked away to a world wear math dominated everything. Picard stared dumbfoundedly as Mike absorbed billions of characters of info a second. Tam gave Mike a pat on the back and told Picard to follow her. He shrugged, and walked out of the room. Tam sat him down at another terminal and he put a similar looking helmet on. Picard was instantly whisked away to the complete history of the dimension he was currently in. MEANWHILE, in deep space...... Ray smiled, as he was assimilating information faster than any other being or computer ever had before. He liked having a fighter to do his bidding. Although Ray was pretty close to being the greatest physical speciman in the known universe, he was nothing compared to the force. He was also programmed to follow all Loser orders, and if that program was not followed, or tampered with, he would instantly self destruct. While he was enjoying all this, a small alarm sounded, and his fighter was forced out of hyperspace. Ray laughed. He looked down on his screen and saw that a Winner patrol craft had used its gravitational beams to bring him out of hyper space. Ray powered up his shields and armed his weapons systems. He flew past the Winner ship easily dodging their cannon fire. He brought the ship on a severe 180 turn, and fired two proton torpedoes. The torpedoes struck the winner ship just forward of the main engine converter, and the ship exploded in a massive fireball. Ray laughed and engaged the hyper drive to complete his journey. MEANWHILE, at a Winner deep space camera\listening outpost. "Holy shit!--did you see that?" said a Winner techie. "Yeah, that was Lt Kramer, wasn't it?" said his commanding officer. "and he took out one of our patrol ships like it was nothing!" replied the first techie. "I'm calling this one in to Darth--he gave standing orders to tell him about any of Kramer's or Speed's activities." said the Winner officer. He immediately sent a sub-space communication to the Winner fleet. MEANWHILE, on the enlightened one's NEW base........ Dan popped in out of thin air. "Hey, nice place you have here, what do you call it?" Dan asked. "Bosendorfer" The Enlightened one said, "come, you must now complete your training." "Wouldn't miss it for the world." Dan said. MEANWHILE, at the Winner Command Fleet Headquarters....... Vanilla Winner was getting mad. He shouted for some more beer: "Bitch, bring me some Budweiser!" Out stepped one of the most evil-looking women he had ever seen......it was the Winner princess, Jack-me, also known as 'Bitch'. "Here's your beer" Bitch said, "I also have a request to ask of you. I would like to try and capture Kramer. Speed would be a nice prize too, but I have a personal score to settle with Kramer." "you got it bitch...." Vanilla replied coldly. From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 20-APR-1993 Now, Darth Winner was still camped patienly outside the Lunoid system. Although he knew that he had Loser blood, he was deeply schooled in the ways of Winner. Jack-Me and Vanilla schooled him harshly, brainwashing him, by forcing him to listen to Kiss-FM 24 hours a day when he was younger. Damien, AKA Darth knew that the Losers were his brothers, but he did not know his own force very well, as he was taken away by Bitch at too early an age. However, Darth was well aware that he could feel the presence of others with Loserforce, mainly Mike and Dan. He knew that they might try something sneaky upon their exit from Lunoid back into Grzyxij, (Lunoid is lodged in Grzyxij) so he ordered his 3 ships to shut down to minimal power, so that he may personally scan by himself for Loser prime. K and Dave took off out some back door, completely undetected, as the Winners really had no interest in them. Ray managed to escape, as he was an android. One of Darth's escorts, however, did manage to notice him, as he was blown away promptly. Darth was immediatley informed of this, and was slightly confused. He then realized that, the one piloting Dan's ship could not have been Dan, as he would have felt his presence. He ordered the ship be let go. Unbeknownst to him, Dan had teleported to Bosendorfer via the help of his new yellow crystal. Just then, a message arrived from subspace. "This is princess Jack-me! The orders have changed! I want Kramer and/or Speed ALIVE! Do you understand, peckerhead??" "Yes mother." "Good! You little shit." Went Vanilla. "You don't listen to yer fuckin momma den she gonna whoop yer ass, faggot. Got dat? Shithead?" "Yes my Lord." Said Darth. "Good, asshole. Vanilla out." A Winner officer was staring at Darth, with a kind of amazed kind of expression. "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?" Darth put his fist through the Winner's nose and pulled out a handful of brains. Everone else quickly turned and looked busy. "We shall wait for my brothers here." Said Darth. "You all know the new orders." MEANWHILE, The Enlightened one was showing Dan the most incredible things that he could do with a piano. The sounds and feelings were so incredible to Dan, that he was, well, enlightened. "Sir!" Said Dan. "I feel the presence of Darth Winner. I think my friends are in trouble! I should go....." "If you go now, you will fail." Said The E. one. "But......" "You are a Loser Prime. You know what is best. It is your decision." Just then, a ship landed outside. It was his ship. Dan looked at The enlightened one, and ran out. The cockpit opened. "Equalizer!" Yelled Dan. "Ray." Said Ray. "Umm, I know we sent you to be here, but I need you to go back and help Mike! I'm sorry for making you go...." The cockpit immediately closed as the ship went right back up. "Cool." Said Dan. He could suddenly feel the danger abating. He went back in to continue his piano. MEANWHILE, on Planet, Mike and Picard removed their helmets, and both let out a huge "WWWWWOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!" Tam looked very pleased. "Mike, you must now meet the Enforcer, and your training shall be complete. You now know everything in the universe, however, your sense of humor has suffered due to your training. 30 minutes with him should fix you right up." "This is good." Said Mike. "I know this will help." He said in a frighteningly boring tone. "And you", she said to Picard, "You have been tutored in all there is to know in our dimension. In case you are stuck here, you now should be able to live among us normally." "This is so incredible!" Said he. "I never realized that I was such a complete Loser!" They broke for some cookies and milk. The ships were all prepared, and Tam gave Mike a small fish. He put the fish into his ear. "The fish will allow you to talk to me from anywhere in the Universe." Said she. "I know." Said Mike. "I know everything." "You only think you know everything......just go see Harry, he'll fix you." "I sense Danger." Said Mike. "Yet, I sense that I am to worry not." "Just go, you're boring me." Mike and Picard took off..... right into the trap set by Darth Winner.... MEANWHILE, back on Bobby Brown..... "He approaches." Said Darth. "Ready tractor beam." Just as Darth was about to fire, Mike suddenly got this urge to cut left at 180 degrees, sharp. The tractor beam grabbed Picard's ship. Mike, totally devoid of feeling from the virtual reality programming, continued off into hyperspace. Just then, Ray detected Mike's entering into hyperspace, and set coordinates to follow him, as his orders specifically said to "go help Mike." Poor Jean-Luc was stuck again. Once aboard the Bobby Brown, the Winners took off back to the Win-O-Rama. Darth was there when they opened the Loser fighter, and he saw the round headed guy. Darth was not pleased. Just then, subspace opened again. "You got him, shithead?" Went Vanilla. "We detected your jump to hyperspace." "We have appeared to aprehend the wrong Loser, my Lord..." "WHAT?? You stupid fucking asshole! Damn you, dickhead! FUCK! You, my son, are one complete stupid shitface. You're just fucking worthless. If my bitch wasn't your mother, I would kick your ass myself!" "But My Lord, the Loser we captured is a friend of Capt. Speed! We can use him! The Losers may try to rescue him again...." "AGAIN? What the fuck do you mean AGAIN?" "We captured him on the Monterey Jack base, but he escaped before they destroyed it." "You DICK." Said Vanilla. "Bring him to me anyway, you faggot. Emperor Vanilla out." Darth looked rather funny, for him at least. "Drug him!" He yelled. "What the.... oh homework, not again." Said Picard, as he was injected.... MEANWHILE........ Mike landed on the planet of Imfeelingmuchbetternow, also in the Grzyxij system, toward the very edge of it before deep space. Ray landed right behind him. "Hello." Said Mike. "We are to search for the Enforcer of this sector." Ray just followed. The android was more lively than Mike. They walked to the courthouse and went to the 18th floor. Mike recognized the big bald guy from Yogurt's house there. "I am Capt. Mike Airball Speed. I seek the Enforcer." "Okay, he's been expecting you." went Bull. "I know." Said Mike. They went in, and a skinny twerp said, "Hi! I'm Harry! But, aren't we all?" Mike and Ray just stood there. "Hmm... Tam was right, you really have a huge brain. I'll restore you. First, let me introduce you to Clarence, my armadillo....." 30 minutes later, Mike was rolling on the floor. Ray still stood there. "You're fine now," said Harry, "I'll have to work on your friend later. Mike then heard a voice. "Mike! It's Tam. Your bald friend has been captured by Darth Winner. He is not of this dimension, and could be very dangerous in their hands. It is time for you to go and stop the Winners, you must also get your friend back. You need Dan to help you. His training should be done by the time you return home. He can teleport there." "Thanks, Harry." Said Mike, "But we gotta go kill some Winners" Mike and Ray took off for home. Dan completed his training. "You need to find your sister," Said the Enlightened one. (This is a MEANWHILE...) Bring her to Yogurt. First, you must meet Mike back on the Fart. Go, Loser prime." Dan teleported to Capt. Troc's room. "Hi Dan." Said He. "Nice vacation?" "Awesome." Said Dan. Mike and Ray docked just then. They all met back on the bridge. Capt Troc, Airball, Nuke and Ray, Zeke and Skippy back with a tan. "We need to find a Lt. Jen Smithers." Said Dan. "She was in my astrophysics class a long time ago, actually, I remember her." Said Troc. "She was the smartest student that I ever had." "We'll find her." Said Mike. "In fact, I know where she is. I know everything......" MEANWHILE....... On the Win-O-Rama, Darth met with Bitch and Picard. "He had better be as important as you say he is," Said Jack-Me. "I Must have Kramer here. I just want him. He is just someone that needs to be raped......." Date: 20 Apr 1993 18:45:09 -0400 (EDT) From: WOLFGANG The Loser fleet (all 32 major ships of it) was massing together for a huge battle soon, and Troc was obviously nervous. The Winner fleets (all 147 of their major ships) were spread throughout the galaxy. Troc had heard some nasty rumors that the Winner fleet was going to start to mass together. Dan was down in the hanger bay working on his fighter when Mike came up to him. "Loser, good to see you again." Mike said. "Loser, good to see YOU again." Dan replied "Did you hear about my training? We're going to need it, Troc says that the Winner fleet may be massing to try and crush us once and for all." Mike said. "Mike, where did you leave the bald guy?" Dan asked. "OH HOMEWORK!!!!!--I FORGOT ABOUT HIM!!!" Mike almost yelled. "Mike, do you realize that he may hold knowledge that could easily destroy us all, he's from another dimension you know." Dan said. "I know, we've got to mount a rescue operation to get him back." Mike said. "Good, that should be you, Smithers, when we find her, and me" Dan said "I don't know about this, the whole lot of us together are the only one's with the force" Mike said. "Okay, you find Smithers, and I'll go it alone. I have the Loserforce training now, so don't worry about me." Dan said. Mike started to protest, but Dan mumbled something about him always being the boring careful one and jumped into his fighter. "Dan, wait!--what do I tell Troc???" Mike yelled. "Tell him I'll be back, and not to launch the attack without me!!" Dan shouted above the roar of his fighter. MEANWHILE, back on the Bobby Brown..... "So, you are the bald-headed friend of Lt. Daniel Nuke Kramer..." Jack-Me said. "I want him, and we're going to use you as the bait." "I will not yield to any torture!!!" Picard defied. "Oh, fuck dat shit, you're a pussy just like the rest o' dem Losers" Vanilla jumped in. "Shut up, Vanilla, and leave us alone" Jack-Me said. Vanilla walked out of the room, and Jack-Me smiled at Picard as she slipped into 'something more comfortable'. He didn't like the sound of that. MEANWHILE, back on the Fart..... "Don't worry about Dan, I have confidence that he can rescue that poor bald guy. I just want you to go find Smithers." Troc told Mike. Mike smiled and grabbed Zeke, Skippy, and Ray. They all jumped into one of the Loser shuttles and set off to find Jen. Mike knew exactly where to find her. MEANWHILE, back in deep space. Dan was securing his extra-vehicular operations suit for deep space use. He fit the helmet on, and armed his weapon. He made sure that he had his secret fail-safe device attached to his pocket. he smiled as he slipped the device into place. He fell asleep while waiting for the next part of his mission, which he knew would be inevitable......only half an hour later, his fighter's alarm woke him up. "Winner Battle-Cruiser at 003-756 alpha mark 9." Dan smiled, and used his piloting skill to pull up behind the winner ship unnoticed. Dan opened the canope and set his ship for automatic flying. He secured himself to the bottom of the winner cruiser, and then sent his ship off. His fighter sped off away from the winner cruiser. ON The Winner Battle-Cruiser..... "Sir, we just detected a Loser ship flying away, it seemed to just appear out of nowhere!!" A Winner radar techie said. "Are there any life forms on board?" said that Winner commander. "No, sir" "Destroy it then." Two missiles were fired from the Winner ship, and they struck and destroyed Dan's ship. Dan smiled and pulled himself up into the small access hole at the bottom of the Winner ship. He knew that this ship would go to the Winner high command to report back to Jack-Me and Vanilla..... From: BALDOUMIS001@WCSUB.CTSTATEU.EDU (I wanna be 10 when I grow up.) "My Lord!" Went the Winner officer. "We have just destroyed a Winner vessel! It had appeared to be unoccupied." "That explains it." Said Darth. "I felt the presence of my brother, I thought I was going mad from that Emperor." "Sir?" Said the officer over the intercom. "Nothing. No attempt is to be made to search for an intruder. I want to meet him myself. Darth Winner out." Dan was patrolling around the air ducts of the immense Win-O-Rama, searching for Captain Picard or anything that might lead him. He saw two soldiers walking in the hallway through a grating, and overheard "What do you thing the princess wants with that yucky Loser?" Dan continued along. He knew he was close. He continued along, yet, he felt peculiarly as if he was being followed. Darth was waiting for him. MEANWHILE, Mike, Zeke, Skippy and Ray hovered over the nearby planet of Undefined, and landed by a science facility. "I'll get her!" Said Skippy, as he ran off the shuttle and into the lab. "I need a Lt. Jen Chipmunk Smithers! Now! It's really important!" Jen popped out of a room, and said, "This is so wierd! I had this premonition this morning that something like this would happen! But I....." "You have some sort of Loserforce! Mike will explain it to you. We must go now!" They took off back to the shuttle. Mike told Jen the story on the ride back. "Me? Obnoxious? No way!" Said she. "Yeah, Yogurt must have screwed up somewhere.......hold on, Tam is calling me." "Mike, Yogurt erred." Said Tam. "You have the logical core, yet are prone to be forgetful. Dan has the harmonic seductiveness, yet is prone to be brash due to it. Jen must have the insight, as we were never sure what happened to Damien, we know not about him. Yogurt still must see her, when your battle is finished." Mike relayed the message to the crew. They returned to the Fart. Mike ran in. "We need to attack right now. It is time. I know it. I can feel it." "Are you sure? Asked Troc. "The Winners have 3 times as many ships as we do!" "You must trust me!" Said Mike. "I just know it is time. Tam is directing me." "Okay. I'd be a Winner if I didn't trust the Loserforce. All decks prepare for battle!!" MEANWHILE...... Back on the Win-O-Rama...... Dan saw a door at the end of the hall guarded by 2 heavily armed droids. He figured it must be the Emperor's chamber. The air duct continued right into the room, so Dan was able to sneak right by. "Dumb Winners" thought Dan. In the room, he saw Picard tied to an operating table. There were kinky sex toys all over, and there was a cage in the corner. Jack-Me was there, and she had a bolla-whip and was wearing a black leather teddy. "Yick." thought Dan. Dan armed his phaser, and jumped through the screen. "Drop it, Mother." Said he. Picard managed to grin in relief. "You!" Said she. "I always knew you would be a problem, as your father liked you best. He always said you would be the craziest Loser ever. Now, you have returned." "Shut up." Said Dan. Dan freed Picard, and boosted him back into the air tube. "We're outta here!" Said Dan. "As for you, you bitch, hasta lavista!" As Dan aimed his phaser, the door opened. Dan was in awe. A huge figure in black metal armour with a long black cape and big black helmet stood in the doorway. "You actually thought that I couldn't detect you?" Said Darth Winner. "You fool. You shall die now." "NO!" Yelled Jack-me. "Death is too easy for this filth. Where is the emperor?" "He is on the Winner flag ship, the W.S.S. Nirvana, debriefing officers for battle." Summon him. We shall have fun with this Loser when he returns. Lock him in the cage for now." "Very good." Said Darth. "Very good WHAT?" Said Jack-me. "Very good, my Lord!" Said he. "You're such a litte shit." Said Jackie. "A fucking worthless loser." "Yes, my Lord." Went Darth. "I'm gonna go whack off." ordered she. "Stay here and guard the prisoner." Bitch left the room. "Here I am, Darth Winner, the most powerful Winner of them all by far, left here as a lousy GUARD." Said Darth. Dan just sat in amazement. MEANWHILE, Captain Picard was able to slide away through the air ducts. The Winners neglected to check for his presence, being that the intruder had already been reported as captured. He searched for something that might help..... MEANWHILE, Darth was guarding Dan in the cage. Dan was really bored, so he yanked out his portable piano, and began to play. Darth stood up in amazement. "What is that???!" Yelled he. Dan stopped, and said "It's by a guy called Bach. We found the music in some subspace traffic." "Not that, the whole thing!" "You act like you've never heard music before." "I haven't. The Winners forced me to listen to Kiss-FM 24 hours a day when I was young." "Oh, GROSS!! If Mike were here, he would vomit." "Keep playing." "Sure." Dan flailed away, as he was now the greatest in the galaxy, thanks to the Enlightened one. Darth was enthralled. He actually almost even appeared to smile..... just then, the door opened and in thrust Vanilla and Jack-me..... "What da FUCK?? STOP DAT SHIT NOW!!!!!!!" Vanilla busted through, and opened the cage like a madman, and smashed Dan's piano. "FUCKIN SHIT! MY EARS STILL FUCKIN HURT! HOW CAN YOU STAND DAT SHIT, you stupid FUCK??" "It wasn't shit!" Said Darth. "WHAT DA FUCK???!!!" Yelled Vanilla. He ran to his stereo and began to blast his own "music." Dan rolled over in agony. Darth looked at Dan, then at Vanilla. Back to Dan, then shot the Winner stereo with his phaser. "Dats it." Went Vanilla. "You're dead." Vanilla Ice shot Darth Winner in the chest, and he went down. Jack-me screamed. "You ASSHOLE!" Went she. "You didn't have to do THAT!" "Shut up, bitch! I'm frum da streets a Miami, and you next if you don't shut up!" Jack-Me jumped Vanilla, knocking the phaser out of his hand. Dan smiled, as he was literally killing winners sitting down on the floor with his hands tied behind his back. Darth Winner arose, and unlocked the cage again. "It musn't end like this, you need a diversion," Said Darth. Just then, Captain Picard discovered a chamber with a small door over it. On the door, was a sign "MAIN ENERGY CONVERTERS - AUTHORIZED ACCESS ONLY" Picard pried the door open with his com-badge, and remembered that he had a megasonic compact pulse grenade in his shoe, that the Losers had given him on the Fart in case of an emergency. There was a delay timer on it. Picard grinned. Date: 21 Apr 1993 13:51:17 -0400 (EDT) From: WOLFGANG Picard set the timer and started to run out of the energy conversion area when he was spotted. "Freeze, Loser!!" Shouted a huge guard. Picard stood still, and knew that in twenty seconds this whold area would be one giant cloud of smoke. He thought fast. He remembered one of the only things that he still had from the other dimension. He tapped his communicator, and instead of hearing the Enterprise, he heard "Fart here, Troc speaking." "What the hell was that???" The Winner guard said. "Give me that thing!!!" The guard started to examine the communicator, but when he looked up Picard was gone. The guard ran over to the nearest communication pad and called in his report. "Emporer Vanilla, a Loser has jus......." B O O M ! ! ! The bomb went off, killing the guard instantly. The Win-O-Rama immediately lost main power, and there was a hull breach in most of the lower levels. Back in Bitch's quarters, Dan was sitting down when the lights went out. To the casual observer in that room, nothing was happening unless you listened carefully.....bang! "Ouwch!!" smash! "hey!" beep! Beep boop! "Hey, don't touch that!!!!" "What the fu...." Dan had kicked the shit out of Vanilla, shoved both Vanilla and Darth in an escape pod, and then ejected the pod. His hands were still tied, so he sat down at the remains of his piano and started sawing away with one of the strings. Back near the flight deck...... Picard was still smiling when the emergency lights came on. He could see well enough that guards were already being posted in the critical areas. Picard hoped that Dan was able to make it out okay. He quietly snuck over to one of the Winner fighters and climbed in. With the power just coming back on it was more than easy to get into the fighter and blast out of there. MEANWHILE, on the Fart..... "Prepare to make the jump to hyperspace!!!" Troc said "I just got an emergency call from Picard, so it's a good thing that we're attacking now!!" The Loser fleet, one by one, sliped into hyperspace bound for the Winners" Mike, Jen, Jen, Howie, Zeke, Skippy, and Ray were all getting thier fighters ready down in the flight bays of the various ships. They emerged out of hyperspace and immediately the Winners launched fighters. The battle had begun. MEANWHILE, on the Win-O-Rama. Dan had just finished cutting his chains when Bitch came back in the room. "Where the hell is Vanilla and Darth???" She demanded. "Oh, they were getting really bored, so I sent them on the trip of a lifetime" Dan replied casually. "You idiot, you ejected them in a space pod!!!!" she screamed. "Yeah, and if you don't mind, I'm going to get out of here myself. Unless I'm really wrong, your fleet is under attack" Dan said. "You're not going anywhere!!!! I don't care if my whole fucking fleet gets destroyed!!!! I'm going to punish you to the best of my ability!!!" She hissed at him, gripping her bullwhip and vibrator a little harder. Dan gulped......... MEANWHILE, in deep space. "Gold group, launch at delta alpha, Zeke is your officer--Red group, launch at beta gamma, Skippy is your officer....." Troc directed....... The final battle was now underway. There were explosions as fighter met fighter in combat....... From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 22-APR-1993 Although the Winner fighters outnumbered the Losers by about 3 to 1, the Winner Droid pilots were nowhere near as capable as the Losers. Mike and Jen were using their Loserforce to keep their squadrons clear of any attacks. MEANWHILE, Picard was allowed to fly safely through to meet with the Fart. "Good job, Pickerd, or whatever your name is! Where's Dan?" Radioed Troc. "He's still in there." Picard then noticed, that he had not only escaped in a Winner fighter, but he had managed to steal Darth Winner's own personal fighter! He took off, flying clear of missile fire, and tried hacking into the fighter's on-board computer. He got a query that said "Command functions." So, he picked that. He then tapped away a bit until he found what he wanted, the fail-safe command. He got a window with the command "Disarm all fighters." "Hell yeah!" Thought Picard. He chose the command, and another blasted "Security clearance" popped up. He was afraid to radio for assistance, because he didn't want any of the Winners to know what he was doing, by picking up his transmission. "Zlorfik." Thought Picard. Then, he had a brainstorm. Darth didn't use his fighter very often, so he would probably have left the clearance hidden in the fighter somewhere! He proceeded to search all throughout the small chamber around him....... MEANWHILE, The Losers skill was really pounding the Winner fighters. There were only a few Loser damages, while the Winner squadron was really dwindling. The Losers were about to dock to re-arm, when, it happened. The immense Win-O-Rama regained full power, and launched all of it's fighters. The Losers were low on missiles, and were outnumbered a good 20 to 1. Times looked bad. MEANWHILE, Jack-Me ordered the entire chamber sealed, and the computer obliged wantonly. "Your mine now, little boy." Said she. Jack-Me removed her leather mistress outfit, revealing her pale, bony skin. "Blech!" Said Dan. Dan tried to jump out of the way, but Bitch used her track legs to cut him off. There was no escape, as the slut was everywhere. "You've been really naughty." Said Slut. She shoved him into the operting table, and the table automatically clamped him down. "Your all mine." Said Bitch, stroking her bolla whip. "HELP!" Said Dan. MEANWHILE, outside the station, "Dan needs us!" Said Mike. "Ummm, we've sort of a problem already out here!" Noted Zeke. The Winner ships were being blown up left and right, but not nearly fast enough. Several Loser ships perished. "Retreat! All ships!" Went Troc over the radio. Just as they were about to head back, the radio sounded again. "No!" Said Picard. "I found it! It was hidden in this plush Rainbow Brite doll suctioned to the window!" Give it about 10 seconds. The fighters headed back to the Fart, surrounded by a tremendously thick sheath of enemy fire. They weren't sure who to believe, but they counted the seconds anyway. The 10 seconds seemed to last 10 years, but they ran out, and then.......... Silence. The Winner fighters were in panic. "I've disarmed them!" Said Picard. Only Darth or the Emperor can rearm them now, and we can't find them. The Losers used this opprtunity to reload at the Fart in waves, while they continued to go and have a field day with the Winners. They were blowing them away at a rate of about 30 per minute, and the stupid droids were programmed not to retreat, so the Win-O-Rama couldn't recall them! They were all sitting ducks. After about 15 minutes, there were no more Winner fighters. "YES! All right, Cueball!" Yelled Troc over the radio. But the Winners were still there. The Win-O-Rama station was hurt, but there were still about 12 big battle cruisers, one of which just found a peculiar Winner space ejector pod..... "Cueball, you know your way around the inside of that thing the best. You wanna help me find Dan?" "Indeed." Said Picard. The Loser fighters all returned to dock, while Airball and Cueball landed right into the still disoriented Win-O-Rama. MEANWHILE, On the WSS Nirvana, The Winners managed to pick up a certain escape pod carrying a certain Emperor. MEANWHILE, on the Fart, "They can easily out man and out gun us." Said Troc "Yet, they are too lame to start anything without their Emperor or Darth. Hopefully, they won't find them until after we get our boys out." MEANWHILE, on the Win-O-Rama, Picard's disarming totally caused the Winner generals to panic, making them totally screw up all of their battle droid's programming. While they desperatley tried to bring the droids back, they inadvertently confused them all, making them all think that they were maintenance droids. Mike and Picard had no problem blowing through to the emperor's chamber, but they were too late. Dan was lying on the table, completely motionless, staring at the ceiling. Jack-Me was smoking a cigarette. "What the Rob have you done?" Yelled Mike. Jack-Me jumped, and said, "I've stiffened him. He's of no use anymore. I was going to kill him, but that would have been to easy. What punishment could be worse that being alive inside, but dead eveywhere else?" "Dan? Are you in there?" Thought Mike. "Loser, this really sucks." Thought Dan. JUST THEN, the Winner radio summoned. "YOU FUCKERS! DIS IS DA FUCKIN EMPEROR!!!!!! I WANT ALL DEM FUCKIN LOSERS FUCKED UP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mike clubbed Bitch in the head, knocking her out. He carried her back to a Winner shuttle, as Picard carried Dan. Upon launching, a voice was heard "PIMARY POWER RESTORED. WEAPONS SHOULD BE BACK ON LINE IN 3 MINUTES" Mike frowned. "EMPEROR DOCKING ON BAY 12." The Losers took off, as the Winners were paying attention to the emperor, and not them. MEANWHILE, back on the WSS Nirvana, Darth awakened in a sick bay. "My Lord." Said a Winner doctor. "You were shot in the chest, and then ejected in an emergency escape pod with the emperor. You should be fine now." "Music!" Said Darth. "I need music!" "Yes sir." The Winners turned on Kiss FM. "NO!! NO!!!!" Yelled Darth, "Real music." Date: 22 Apr 1993 19:15:45 -0400 (EDT) From: WOLFGANG Darth punched a hole through the middle of the doctor, and then ran over to a console. He pulled out one of the things confiscated from Dan, a CD of the Schumann piano concerto in A minor, and started to play it over the intercomm system. He immediately regained conciousness. BACK in the hanger bay..... Dan heard the opening chords of the Schumann, and immediately regained consiousness. He had worked on that piece with the Enlightened One, and recognized its beauty. (It really is an awsome piece, I'll have to play it for you when I get back home) Dan yelled, so Picard put him down. Dan jumped up and looked around. "Where am I?" Dan stammered. "You're in the shuttle bay of the Win-O-Rama" Mike said. "Good, I think." Dan said "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine unless I have to face that bitch again." Dan smiled and then kicked Bitch across the face, rendering her even more unconsious. "What are you going to do?" Mike asked. "I have to go and face emporer Vanilla." Dan said. "Okay, no problem, and what do we do when you're killed?" Mike replied "Don't worry, I know how to take care of myself. Just get the bald guy and your prisoner off the ship and I'll find my way back. Oh, and tell the fighter crews to broadcast some REAL music as loud as they can, that should hel put the battle in our favor." Dan said, and with the blink of an eye, he turned around and ran toward the mai elevator area. Mike shrugged and helped baldy drag Jack-Me to a shuttle MEANWHILE, back in deep space...... "Red group, disengage and meet me at coordinates 003, 957 alpha, we're going o give those Winners a taste of some real firepower." Jen Smithers said. She skillfully weaved her way inbetween two Winner fighters and then laughed as they collided and exploded. MEANWHILE, back on the Win-O-Rama Dan was stealthily sneaking throughout the corridors and could only be traced by the trail of dead bodies. He knew the Emperor had been transported back to the main throne room, and he knew that Darth would be dragged down to sick bay for turning on the awsome music. Dan also knew that Vanilla would shut off Schumann as soon as he had the chance, and replace it with some of his own music. Dan pulled the walkman out of his tunic and popped a tape of "John Rutter and the Cambridge Singers perform the greatest English madrigals" into the tape deck. He smiled as he pressed play and knew that he would be okay. He had just stepped into the throne room when he heard: "You fuckin' shit, I KNEW you would come back, you're gonna die y'know" Dan simply laughed and replied "give it a rest, I know what you are and that you are really a big white wimp" "What?!?!?! nobody calls me white!!!!--and NOBODY CALLS ME A WIMP!" the emporer fumed. He pulled out a blaster and started firing, but Dan had already ducked behind a wall........ From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 23-APR-1993 The Emperor suddenly stopped firing. He knew that Dan was just trying to protect his fleet. He screamed into the command grid, summoning 20 Winner soldiers, who all ran in to the room together. "Kill that useless fucker!" Commaned Vanilla. Dan, aided by his walkman, wiped out a good 15 of them by himself, but one of them managed to rip off his walkman. "Rob!" Yelled Dan, as the Winners had him. "You aint goin nowhere now, loser!" Said Vanilla, as he ordered Kiss FM to blast throughout all the Winner ships. Dan gripped his ears and fell to the ground. The Emperor laughed and proceeded to the battle bridge. "Kill him." Commanded Vanilla, as he took off. MEANWHILE, in space, Mike was piloting the Winner shuttle stolen from the Win-O-Rama, as 1 shuttle would be more difficult to detect than a Loser fighter. Kiss FM was suddenly pumped through the shuttle, as all Winner ships were connected. Mike screamed in agony, as he got up and tried to smash the speakers. Even Picard held his ears in pain. Unknowingly, while Mike was hunting for the speaker, the WSS Nirvana, commanded by Darth Winner, had the shuttle locked in a Tractor beam, and was slowly dragging them back to him... MEANWHILE, on the Win-O-Rama, Vanilla Ice reached the battle bridge. "Yo, is da weapons ready yet??!!" "Yes, my Lord, they are now fully functional." "Den fire, you shithead!! I gotta do everything round dis fuckin dump!" The Win-O-Rama fired a huge pulsing Mega-Destructo ray, annihilating a Loser battleship. A subspace transmission went to the Fart. "Surrender all o dem ships, or we gonna blow all of em up, asshole." The transmission ended. Troc ordered all of his fighters to return. "What do we do? Mike, Dan and Picard are still in there, and for all we know, they're probably dead." Lt. Smithers ran in. "They're not dead, I can feel them!" She yelled. "We can't risk the whole fleet for 3 guys." Said Troc. "We can easily outrun them, if we escape now. They're battleships are massively powerful, but kinda slow." "Take the fleet out, I can save them." Said Jen. "Oh no, not another one." Said Troc. "I'll bring Ray." She said. "I'll be fine, and we can create a diversion to help you escape." "Well....... You force people know best, and I know that force=force, so, go ahead." "You'll know when to escape." Said Jen. She and Ray took off to a 2 man fighter, with Ray at the helm. "Prepare hyperspace drive, all ships." Commanded Troc. Ray and Jen flew right toward the Win-O-Rama, and opened a channel. "We offer ourselves to you, with Loser technology secrets. We are unarmed." MEANWHILE, On the Win-O-Rama... "Shall I destroy them?" Asked a Winner Captain. "You is such a dumb fuck! All a youz is! Dey givin us Loser secrets! Let em in! Lower defenses ta let em through!" As the defences went down, Troc gave the order to begin fleet retreat. "My Lord! The Losers are escaping!" "Fuck!! I Knew it wuz a trick! You never fucking listen!" Said he as he smacked the Captain in the head. "Send soldiers to meet da Losers in da ship. Dey'll suffer." The Emperor never met Ray. MEANWHILE, aboard the WSS Nirvana, Mike and Picard were weak from the Kiss FM. Darth extracted them from the shuttle effortlessly, and awakened his mother. "Cut this music!" Said Darth. I have what I want. MEANWHILE, Dan woke up tied to some contraption that looked like it came out of an old Batman episode. Date: 26 Apr 1993 15:49:37 -0400 (EDT) From: WOLFGANG Dan was sitting, with his legs spread wide apart, and a giant teapot-looking device was getting closer and closer, dripping acid. Dan knew that his nuts would soon become testical-kabobs if he didn't think fast. He had to somehow use the force..... MEANWHILE, on the Jen Smithers personal shuttle..... "Okay Ray, you know what to do, right? You're sure you can take them all out?" Jen asked "I don't mean to be arrogant, but I'm the most perfect creation in the galaxy, next only to the LoserForce." Ray said, flatly. "Good, here they come." Jen said. Jen's personal ship was brought on board the Win-O-Rama. The Winner soldiers proceded to open the main hatch of the ship and look inside. It was to be their last mistake. With lightning fast speed Ray used his chainsaw to instantly slice 2 guards neatly in half. Before the other guard could have time to be surprised Ray was already kicking the guard so hard in the nuts that he instantly died. Jen just smiled and started to make her way to the bridge. MEANWHILE, on the FART..... "May the Enlightened one bring you all luck." Troc said. "You're going to need it" Troc gave the order and the Fart tailed the Loser fleet off into hyperspace. MEANWHILE, on the WIN-O-RAMA...... Dan had a brilliant idea. He started singing one of the arias from The Magic Flute. The Winner that was guarding him was so overcome with sheer hate for the music that he passed out and landed on the controls for the acid-thingy. Dan smiled, but realized that he was going to remain ther only until someone spotted him and re-started the machine. He could feel a LoserForce presence, and only that that person could help him in time..... Little did he know that Jen was only three doors down...... From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 28-APR-1993 "Mike!" called Dan. "Hate to bother you again, but, well...." There was no response. "MIKE!" Called Dan, to no avail. "Who is that in the other......." Thought Dan, as he felt the presence of Loserforce..... "Crud, Darth!" Thought Dan. MEANWHILE, Jen and Ray were just a few doors away from Dan, when Jen felt something fishy. "I feel like, Dan is nearby, but I don't know what to do, I haven't been trained well enough." Ray just stood there, his hooded sweatshirt now a cool shade of red, dyed with Winner blood. Suddenly, Ray was shot up to the ceiling, and was stuck there. His back appeared to be glued to the ceiling, and all he could do was swear. 5 Winner guards ran out and grabbed Jen. "We have been monitoring you all along." Said the guards. We set up this loading magnet as a trap. It was obvious that he was not mortal." They dragged Jen to the room where they thought Dan's dead body would be, but he was not dead, and was in fact near escaping. The Winners quickly intercepted Dan and clubbed him again. MEANWHILE, on the WSS Nirvana, "OUCH!" Said Mike, as he felt the clubbing of Dan's head, as Mike was so rudely awakened by it. He saw Picard tied up to a wall, next to him, with the hugest speakers in the galaxy located right in front of them. There was a KissFM sticker on one of the speakers. "Oh, Homework, they wouldn't." Picard then awakened, as his jaw dropped. Darth Winner entered the room. "Your friends are dead." Said Darth. Now, you will be tortured to death by pop music." "Double homework. Term paper. FINALS!!" Said Mike. "Say what you wish, Losers, I will start with the volume set very very low. Every 10 minutes, it will shoot up one level. Your eardrums should explode by about level 9." MC Hammer began to play. "I'm going to go listen to some more of that Bach stuff now." Said Darth. "Bach?? And your leaving me with this CHEESE???!!! GET BACK HERE YOU ROB!!!" Darth Winner left the room. MEANWHILE Dan and Jen awakened in the private quarters of the emperor, tied down, of course. Jack-me had returned with Vanilla. "I was too nice to you last time." Said She. I think a little menage a trois might be more fun this time..." Dan banged his head against the table. He knew what he had to do..... "Leave her out of this." Said Dan. "I'm the one you want." "Oh really?" Said Bitch. "Yeah." "What makes you so sure, little boy?" "Because.. I want you, hot mama." "Oohhh, now that's what I wanted to hear!" "Get over here, baby, so I can hold you!" Dan held his breath. "I knew I could turn you on!" Said Jack-me "You like this bondage stuff!" "I'd like it more if I could feel you up." Said Dan, as he felt the vomit creep up his esophagus. "Oh, baby!.... Wait I don't trust you....." "I want you, Jackie baby! I want you now!!" "Prove it." Commanded Jack-me. Dan knew what he had to do. The barf was being held in his throat, he was beyond sick. "Kiss me." He said. Jack-me kissed Dan, and slowly untied him. As soon as he felt his hands free, he puked all over the bitch. "YUCK!!" Yelled Bitch, as Dan pounded on her head with his fists. "I hate you!" SMACK "I hate you!" SMACK "I hate you!" SMACK........etc. After about 4 minutes, Bitch's face was a bloody pulp, with lots of little facial organs (eyes, etc.) and brain chunks smeared about. Dan laughed in ecstasy. "That was better than sex!" Said Dan. "Eek! I'm starting to sound like Mike." "Dan, that was gross." said Jen. "Thanks." Dan untied Jen, and as they were about to plan their escape, Dan felt a sharp pain in his head... MEANWHILE The stereo was just clicked up to level 2, and New Kids on the Block began to pretend to sing. MEANWHILE, "Mike's in deep homework. We have to save him." Said Dan. "Is that what that pain in my head was?" Asked Jen. "Yeah, they must be doing something really nasty." "We gotta find a way to fet Ray back down." Said Jen. "He's here? Great!" Said Dan. MEANWHILE, Picard was able to grit his teeth and bear the torture, Mike was really wasted. "Tam! Whud da gub is habeidig?" He called. She answered him. "The Winners are trying to mutate the entire Loserforce through you. We all feel your pain. I cannot help you. You need the Equalizer." The stereo clicked to level 3. Mike passed out. Picard threw up. From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 29-APR-1993 Dan and Jen ran out into the hall and saw Ray still looking quite pissed pinned against the ceiling. "Over there!" Yelled Jen, as she pointed to a control panel. Dan beat the crap out of the panel, (he was wired now.) and Ray fell. Ray was pissed. If you can't imagine an android pissed, don't try. "OWWW!!" Jen suddenly screamed, holding her ears. "I feel it too," Said Dan. The stereo was on level 4. Ray just looked scary. Really scary. A few guards and remodeled battle droids spotted them, and Ray immediately smeared them into a slimy paste. The droids combusted on impact, as pieces were spread about the corridor. "All Winners shall suffer the same fate." Spoke Ray. Dan mustered a grin. MEANWHILE, as Dan grinned, Mike grinned. "Ow." Thought he. "Let's go!" Yelled Dan. A few scattered guards managed to appear on the way back to the shuttlebay, but Ray just hacked through them like a lawnmower. "Not yet." Said Ray. Ray opened his stomach and removed a small, glowing green canister. "This is the matrix of Loserforce." Said Ray. "This is the prime objective of my mission." Ray pulled the canister, and engaged a few levers on it, and hurled it through the metal wall into who-knows-where. "We must leave now." Said Ray. The three grabbed a ship and blasted off quickly. "How long do we have?" Asked Dan. "About 15 minutes and 17 seconds until meltdown and detonation." Said Ray. "How about for the stereo?.... OOOOWWWW!!!" Asked Dan. "30 minutes. It is now on level 6." "We have to get security clearance to the Nirvana." Said Dan. "Look through the ship, there must be some entrance codes somewhere." "Dere ain't no entrance codes in here, ya fuckin Losers." Vanilla Ice was hiding in a storage behind the cockpit. He had a very powerful rifle on him. "You is gonna turn dis shit around, and turn off dat bomb." "Yes sir, anything you wish." Said Dan, glancing quickly at Ray. "Good. You is smart fuckin Losers. I is from da streets a Miami, I tuffer dan all a you. Ya see....." The opportunity was as plain as day. Ray used his lightning quick hands to grab the rifle, however, they underestimated the Emperor. He managed to sqeeze off a shot, basically frying Dan's ankle. "GREASY ROB HOMEWORK SPEWING SUBWINNER!!!" Yelled Dan. However, Ray was now the one with the rifle shoved basically up Vanilla's nose. "You cheesy zit!" Yelled Dan. "Get us into the Nirvana or we melt your sinus!!!!" "Uhhh, okay!" Said mighty Vanilla. "Just don't shoot, okay?" "You Winners all suck." Said Dan. From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 30-APR-1993 "Umm.... Dis is da emreror." Said Vanilla over the radio to the Nirvana, with the rifle still jammed up his nose. "Security clearance homeboy one." The sheilds of the Winner battle cruiser went down. "I should have guessed that," thought Dan. "Okay, we don't need you anymore, dweeb." Said Dan, as he wailed Vanilla across the skull with the rifle. "I want to save the shots in this rifle, because we're going to need them ..... OOOUCH!! Zlorfik!!!" Said Dan. "The Winner stereo is now on level 7. Their heads will implode within 20 minutes, severely damaging the entire Loserforce network with it. Meltdown aboard the Win-O-Rama will occur in about 5 minutes. Once aboard the Nirvana, we will have to move it as far away as possible, as the meltdown could destroy the entire fleet." "Eek." Said Jen. She quickly taped up Dan's ankle, so he could walk, but it would hurt. At this moment in time, however, Dan didn't feel a damn thing. Upon landing aboard the Nirvana, they immediately noticed chaos, as Winners all around were scattering toward escape pods, as they had just learned of the existence of the massive bomb on the Win-O-Rama . There was a repeating message over the Winn-tercom: "DON'T PANIC! WE HAVE HYPERSPACE RESTORED! THE WHOLE FLEET IS GOING TO JUMP TO HYPERSPACE! REMAIN CALM!" The Winners were too stupid to notice. They were jumping into escape pods left and right. "DO NOT PANIC!! WE CANNOT JUMP TO HYPERSPACE WITH ESCAPE DOORS CONTINUOUSLY OPENING!!" Dan had a great idea. The explosion on the Win-O-Rama should be enough to wipe out the entire fleet, provided the rest of the ships don't hyperspace. "2 minutes until detonation." Said Ray. "Jen, you take Ray right to the bridge and take it over. The Winner fleet is interconnected, so there's probably away you can disable the hyperdrive of all of the other ships except this one! Hurry, because these idiots have actually begun to stop panicking. I'm gonna find Mike + Cueball." They took off. Jen knew everything about any kind of ship, and located a tunnel right to the bridge immediately. They took off, Ray mutilating some random Winner civilians along the way. He captured a Winner infant, and upon reaching the bridge, he threw the infant at the Winner captain. The captain, dazed and confused, shot the infant, and Ray jumped him and made cube steak out of him with the chainsaw. Jen managed to blow away a few herself, as Ray just went completely off, as he was shot several times, yet, nothing seemed to be able to stop him. Quickly enough, the bridge crew was dead. Ray seemed to be moving a little slower. "24 seconds until meltdown. The fleet is powering up hyperdrive right now." "I don't think so." Said Jenn. She had tapped in to the override circuitry using Vanilla's keycode, and had just disabled the fleet hyperdrive. "Just one more adjustment" Said she, as she tinkered...... "10 Seconds." Said Ray. "There!" Said Jen, as she punched the terminal. The stars quickly deformed, as the ship took off. "Hang on," Said Jen, "These Winner ships aren't all that fast...." The ship violently shook back and forth for a bit.... and then stopped. Jen disengaged the warp drive. There were several hull breaches, and most basic systems were fried, but she couldn't have possibly cared less. "Losers rule!" She yelled, and went to slap Ray's hand, but he just stood there, quizzically. "Don't worry, we'll fix you up when we get out of here. Let's find Dan." MEANWHILE...... Dan was cruising down a corridor, while he knew he was being followed. He felt the tremors of the Winner fleet destruction, and grinned with extreme joy, as he was forcfully thrust to the ground. His head also began to hurt real bad, as he knew he was nearing the crucial 10 minute mark. The basic ligthing went down, as an alarm sounded. He was trying to feel Mike, but was having extreme difficulty as they were so weakened from the torture. He stepped into a cargo bay, where the big black figure of Darth stood. The door behind him closed shut. "Shove me into and escape pod, do you? You have destroyed my mother, and my fleet, now, it is my turn to destroy you." "Crud cheese homework!! NOT NOW!!" "Your friends are on deck 23, in the acoustic chamber. They're probably dead already." "WHAT? DECK 23?" Dan yelled. MEANWHILE, "They're on deck 23!" Said Jen. "We have to hurry!" From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 30-APR-1993 Subj:The end. Jen and Ray took off toward deck 23, while Darth started pushing Dan around. "Come on, man! My head really frickin hurts! NOT NOW!!!" Darth just ignored Dan. Dan, now quite angry, began to sing. Darth stopped. Dan continued to sing. "That's great!" Said Darth, as he was temporarily detained..... MEANWHILE, Ray and Jen found deck 23 as Jen's head was pounding horribly now as well. "The stereo shall reach level nine in 7 minutes." Said Ray. "This is the room!" Discovered Jen. "I can feel it. These walls must be really soundproof." Ray struck the door a few times, yet was not getting very far. "My positronic cells are very low. The door must be blown open." Said Ray. Just then, the ship's structure began to fail, as the systems switched over to emergency life support. "This ship is falling apart!" Went Jen. "We need this door open now!" She ran up the hall some way, and found an open quarters. She discovered a pistol under the bed. She then ran back to Ray and proceeded to program the pistol to its highest setting. "4 minutes." Said Ray. Distant sounds of surviving Winners screaming in the distance still remained. A teenage Winner managed to limp over to Ray, begging him for help. "I shall help you." Said Ray. "Th....thh.... thanks, man!" Went the Winner. "You...you...you're okay.......BLLORRCCHHH!!!!" Ray proceeded to slowly slice through his skull with his chainsaw. MEANWHILE, Dan suddenly developed a slight cough while singing. The cough just made his head hurt more, preventing him from singing. "Why do you stop??!!" Asked Darth. "Hack! Hack!" Went Dan. "You dare disobey me?" Said Darth, as he shoved Dan around a bit more. He then noticed him favoring his ankle. "That ankle hurts, doesn't it?" Darth then proceeded to step on Dan's ankle and laugh. Dan had never felt this low in his life. "Lick my boots!" Commanded Darth. Dan's head felt like it was in a vice now. His ankle hurt real bad, and Darth was basically standing on top of him. So, being the Loser he was, Dan had to give in and say... "Go suck an egg." Darth became really cross, and proceeded to pick up Dan and hurl him into some Winner food stock stored up. "Ow." Said Dan. MEANWHILE "I got it." Said Jen. "These Winner weapons suck, but I think I've modified it enough. Cross your fingers." "1 minute." Said Ray. The pistol slowly melted a hole through the door. The sound of the music was so intense, that in instantly knocked Jen back to the ground. She had already blown a big enough hole that Ray could smash the rest. Ray stormed into the room and immediately smashed the stereo, speakers and all. After they were sufficiently broken, he broke the components. Then, he smashed the broken components some more. Picard awakened first. "Ow." Said Picard. Ray cut them down and carried them into the hall. MEANWHILE Darth stood over Dan again, and said "Lick my boot, Loser!" This time, Dan didn't feel quite as sure about himself. His head was about to explode from all this being thrown around and the disturbance in the force and this schmuck constanly standing on his already shot ankle. Dan thought a few seconds, and began to stick out his tongue, when, it stopped. The banging in his head just stopped. He slowly looked up at Darth, and said, "Oh mighty Darth Winner! Please spare me! I will serve you forever!" "That's what I wanted to hear, Loserboy." He stepped back, off of Dan, when he heard a voice that sounded kinda like Mike say "Beat the Rob out of him!!!!!!" Dan grinned. MEANWHILE Mike and Picard were both up and standing, just kinda dizzy. "Dan's gonna waste Darth Winner!" Said Mike. "Let's go find him." MEANWHILE Dan jumped and landed a flying side kick with his non injured ankle right across Darth's helmet, knocking it off. "I know you! You're Jose Cruz! You used to play for the Houston Astros!" "Yes. I was not proud of that. It does not matter now." Darth AKA Damien AKA Jose leaped on Dan as they began a horrible struggle.. MEANWHILE "They're down here!" Said Mike, as they ran down a dark hall. "Do you still have ammunition?" "Yep" Said Jen. Jen shot the pistol and blew open the door of the cargo hold. They saw Dan beating on some guy that looked like Jose Cruz. Dan looked possesed. "DAN! Relax! It's over!" Dan laughed maniacally. Mike, Dan, Jen, Ray and Picard all limped toward the shuttlebay. Ray helped load Jen, Mike, and Picard onto a shuttle, and just as he was about to load Dan up, Vanilla Ice jumped off the top of the shuttle screaming rap lyrics. Just as he was about to hit Dan, Captain Picard jumped out of the shuttle and tackled the ex-Emperor, and proceeded to beat him into the ground. Ray and Dan then joined in, followed by Jen and Mike. The 5 of them managed to rip his arms and legs right out of their sockets. "I IS FRUM DA STREETS A MIAMI!! YOU CANT DO DIS! OWWW!!!" Yelled Vanilla. The Losers then continued to pound on his lifeless carcass for a good 10 minutes, making them all feel a whole lot better. "That was a real Loser thing to do, Cueball!" Said Mike. "Dan, this dude is definite Loser material." "Cool," Said Dan. "He's in." The Losers took off in the cheap Winner shuttle, after setting the self destruct on the WSS Nirvana. They were all quite happy. Just then, they felt a shot across their bow, which actually came very close to blowing the shuttle open. "All systems down!" Yelled Mike. "What the..." "You can not dispose of Darth Winner that easily." Went a transmission. "As usual, we Winners shall have the last laugh. Bye you damn Losers." From:WCSU::BALDOUMIS001 "I wanna be 10 when I grow up." 30-APR-1993 Subj:The Other Generation. The End - and this time, I mean it. "ALL SYSTEMS ARE DOWN!! THIS ROTTEN WINNER HUNK OF CHEESE!!" Yelled Mike. "BRACE FOR IMPACT!!" There was a massive explosion, as the Winner shuttle careened around through space like a feather. Suddenly, balance was restored. "Mike! Open your eyes, we're not dead!" Noticed Dan. "No way." Said Mike. "Way" Said Dan. "COOL." Said Mike. "Look!" Shouted Jen. There were 2 fighters flying beside them. "Transmission influx." Said Jen. "Losers! We knew that was you! Who would have guessed Jose Cruz was Darth Winner!" "K?" Asked Dan. "What?" Answered K. He continued. "Dave had been monitoring spaceball ever since he was banished. He never liked Jose Cruz, yet he would have never guessed he was the ultimate Winner defect Loser and son of Ludwig van Amadeus Einstein and the evil princess Jack-Me. We heard your transmissions from the Nirvana." "Cool." Said both Mike and Dan, as they grinned. "Well, we gotta get going again. Stay Loser!" They took off. "Wait!" Yelled Mike. We don't have enough power to get out of here!" It was too late. They were stuck again. There was then, as if it couldn't get any worse, another massive explosion. The WSS Nirvana went up, meaning the complete annihilation of all that is Winner in the galaxy. The shockwaves sent the shuttle carrening toward who knows where. "Dan," Said Mike, "Someone out there must really hate us." "Uh huh." Said Dan, half asleep. "Tam! Are you there?" "Yes, my child." "What happens now?" "Do not worry," She reinforced, "I have seen something wonderful for you, you'll just have to wait." Mike went out, as did the rest of the crew. Suddnely, Mike woke up. He remembered the shuttle, as he had nightmares about it, along with Donnie Wahlberg (Bleah!), and he realized that, he was no longer in a shuttle. He was in a great white chamber, and it was soft and warm, and there was a huge table covered with food. "Dan! Get up!" Said Mike. "Shut up." Said Dan. Mike ventured to the table, and proceeded to wolf down what he could get his hands on. An old, majestic individal entered the room. "Hello, son." He said. "I knew you would be the first to hit the food." "Uh huh." Muttered Mike. "Dis ib goob foob!" "I figured as much." He went over and woke up Jen, as he knew Dan would just mumble again. Jen looked amazed. He then proceeded to get a basket of tomatoes from the table, and was pelting Dan with them. "You stinky Loser! I'm gonna kill you!" Yelled Dan, just before he realized that he had no clue as to just where he was. "Huh?" Puzzled Dan. "Dan, you forgot to use your teleportation crystal!" "Oh yeah! Geez, that might have really helped, huh?.....Who are you?" "It's Dad." Said Jen. "No way." Said Dan. "Way." Said Amadeus. "You have done very, very well, young ones, as I knew you would. I have conquered your dimension, and am now in a much better one, yet, you must return." Picard heard his magic words. "Home!" He thought. Then, he thought again. "Why would I want to go back there? I Like it better here!" So, he just kept his mouth shut. "I shall teleport you all back to the Fart now. You will not see me again for a long while, but you shall always feel me." "Wait!" Yelled Mike. "More food!" "Take all of it, I don't need it." Mike looked happier than he had ever looked before. Mike, Dan, Jen, Picard, Ray, and a huge load of food suddenly materialized back onto the bridge of the Fart. "Men! Glad you could make it!" Went Capt. Troc. "Thanks." Said Mike. "All of the Winners are dead." "All of them??!" Asked Troc. "Uh huh." Said Dan. "That is so damn Loser!" Yelled Troc. "We also have to make this dude a Loser." Said Mike. Picard Grinned. "Okay." "But first," Said Dan, "We hafta get all of this DWEEB'S food off of the bridge!!!!" "Look, I was hungry!" Said Mike. Mike, Troc and Picard went to the Captian's ready room, and Troc pulled out a medal. "With this, you are an official Loser. Be honored. Give a speech." Picard let out a juicy belch. "He's perfect." Said Mike. That evening, after unloading all of Mike's food from the bridge into his closet, (who needs clothes?) Picard was lying in his new chambers, admiring his new medal. Then, of all the rotten things, entered the old friend. "Greetings, mon capitian." Chimed Q. "There you are, you filth! Actually, I'm really not that mad at you, because, well, I kind of like it here." "Gooood!" Went Q. "Then it's time to go home." "WHAT? I hate you!" "Good!" Said Q. "And I looooove you. You don't belong here. I just brought you here to show you that life is much more than just being a stiff." "But they LIKE me here now!" "They like you at home, just maybe more now, that you have learned so much. You have no more use here. The war is over, the galaxy is safe here. You need to be home where you can do some good." "Q! DO NOT! Q!!!" Picard yelled. "DAMN YOU, Q!! Q!!!" "Captain!" Said Commander Data. "Are you all right?" "Data! Is that really you?" "Yes captain. It appears that you have fallen asleep right here in your ready room. The pressure from this peace conference must have you very stressed." "Then.... it was all a dream?" "I did hear you calling Q. I do not know if you just dreamt of him." "The meeting with Tahj Rexlin! I remember now! Scan for a trap where the beam down coordinates are!" "Yes sir." Data went back to the bridge. Picard grabbed his head for a minute, then followed. "Sir! You were correct! We have found that the site was heavily mined to detonate immediately upon your arrival. How did you know?" "Just, don't ask, dude." "Excuse me?" Asked Data. "It's very complicated." Said the captain. "No, I was referring to the word, 'dude'." "Oh, that's just a fun Loser name. Don't sweat it." Data nodded and turned. "Ensign! Radio the schmucks on the planet and tell them the trap was a nice try. Then set coordinates for the nearest starbase." "'Schmucks', sir?" "You know what I mean! Just do it! Like Nike!" "'Nike'? Uh, yes sir!" "Good! I really need to rest." The captain left for his quarters. "Q, did you really do this? Oh, it's no use." He said to himself. When he entered his quarters, he noticed that there was a medal hanging around his neck, it was under his shirt the whole time. On the back of the medal, was the engraving "J.P. 2nd Lt. Cueball, Honorary Loser." Picard fell asleep. The Winners shall all be dead soon. You never know......... &